Prose before hos

A PhD synopsis defended successfully.

Two complete cycles around the Sun whilst being gainfully employed.

Two new cookbooks enroute.

17 kilos of body weight down.

 Life's on the fifth gear, in the fifth month of the year. I'm not complaining.

This afternoon I expressed my yearning of quitting cutting sugar to my group of lunch companions.

"How are you consuming sugar?"

"In tea, that I have left."

"Ice creams?"



"Not a big fan. But I do dig in tea cakes."

Seven pm this evening, two cubes of milk chocolate. Because everyone needs chocolate (I hate chocolate) and since I had a salad for dinner, I could eat some crap. Even more crap a justification than the garbage I put together in my mouth.

Eight twenty pm this evening, I broke my intermittent fast. Gobbled a cup of Vanilla ice cream faster than you could spell that out loud. If I could do it any faster, I'd be a cartoon, an extra on Tom and Jerry.

Will quit sugar. Will do PhD. Will find a job that keeps me happy. Will also find the love of the life. 

Writing, like most notable arts, comes from the darkest corners of despair.

Also at this point, I would like to confess, I know not what other corners actually offer despair besides darkness. Bear with me, in all these years, this is by far the worst post I have written at the end of the year. My year end posts are legendary, so hilarious and thus, coming from a spot which is so dark that it could put coal matcha ice cream to shame.

It's kinda not the same this year. Well, just not as much as I would like.

I recall the last year's New Year's eve and my state of mind. I was fighting against all odds to keep a straight face, determined to make it through to the next, knowing that it would be a battle to weed out my insecurities.

My insecurities, you ask. What can be possibly wrong when you're young and virile and have a job and friends who like you and a house to live in with a stable WiFi connection.

My braces were in tact, I was covered in chicken pox marks and life was at an all time low. I was at least ten kilos fatter than what I used to weigh and look. This page was dead. I wasn't writing. I wasn't reading just as much as I would have liked myself to. I had no semblance of a life besides spending money on food takeaways tri-weekly. That was my source of entertainment.

I knew, this was the point when I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my shit together.

It took me year but I was able to tick a whole bunch of things off my Summer bucket list, by which time I had just started my "eating clean" regime. I was struggling to keep it all together. The only thing that truly helped was that my jaw looked fantastic. The braces had come off and I was writing twice a week.

In the last six months, I have done things that I never imagined I was capable of doing. Physically, mentally and emotionally- on all counts I have really stretched my patience thin and realized I am made of steel. I can give so much more and change just so much if I put determination to it.

Of course, there's that thing about luck as well. But things just as simple as putting a work out together requires little luck. This year was all about cutting luck out of life and working smartly, and puttin in hard work.

It sounds like a lot of gassing but if you're me, you're only going to have this sense of satisfaction.



I made out of 2017 alive, kicking and being even more sassy than ever. I have done a whole bunch of books which adorn the shelves at bookstores in India. I am working on making a better version of my body every single day, I write with an unabashed sense of freedom, one that I never experienced before this. I have people who take me seriously, who value my opinion and read my painful bi-weekly deadline reminder emails from me. I have been told I give real good head and I have managed to make myself look good in cropped sweaters. I have managed to stop eating chips and stop pegging my happiness on food.

This is as good as it gets. With one too many hiccups in this year,  I was able to pull off a whole lot.

Bring it on, 2018. I'm going to nail you down just as hard as Jaysus was nailed.

Ah-men.

When I started my cleanse, I swore to myself I wouldn't do two things-

1) Post before and after comparison shots of myself.
2) Lecture people on how to, and what to do, in order to be clean.

Some six months into it, I'm guilty of having struck both as yes.

Sparing the point one to public at large, I'm delving straight to point two.

Long story short, I'm eight kilos lighter; couple of inches have cinched and I think I'm better than Regina Fucking George now. I'm literally eligible to qualify as a "#healthblogger". However, will spare everyone the horror and dive right into what's demanded.

Umang Sabarwal, maker of that exceptionally rad Bobby Deol birthday video asked for my "diet" as a gift on her birthday. I may have promised another friend to share the same. Well, this is it.

There's no particular diet or magic to do what I did. It's incredibly simple. You have got to train your mind to not give in to the temptations.

It may read like utter bullshit but for someone who was an emotional eater, I had an eating problem to tame. With my salary reaching my bank, I was only ever focused on one thing, where and what am I eating next. I had a job to eat, which my salary was funding and I was more than happy leading that life.

You see, food is the blood type for my family. It's the elixir that keeps me going. And them going. It's all that I ever need to fill the human shaped vaccuum in my heart. Food is everything. And, I don't mean it in a meme manner.

My family and I are obsessed with food. Most of my best friendships are forged on the relationship of how obsessed we are with food, and good food. Devil lies in the details so my friends and I can possibly tell you how to pair your Butter Chicken with the Naan, what kind of Naan, what texture of Butter Chicken Gravy (disclaimer: I hate Butter Chicken but I can still do the aforementioned).

Long story short, to do that for a person who's surrounded by food, the discussion on food and was ironically employed at making cookbooks breathe to life was a task.

Most of it came from determination and will power.

I can assure you, I've been eyeing food just the way I used to six months ago. The difference is the conversation I have with myself.

"Yo, do you want a bite of that?"

"I do, but do you think we'll stop at a bite?"

"Probably not, do you still want it?"

"Okay let's do this."

"Fiiine..."

"Wait a minute, how many calories are there in a bite?"

"Uh. Dude, I remember the article said no bites. It ruins the cleanse."

"So, this is it?"

"I suppose."


That's the conversation which plays inside my head, every single time I look at food that I want and can't have.

Drawing two conclusions-

1) No taking "one bite" or "bite" or "tasting" or "touching". The minute you do it, there's no going back. EVERY BITE COUNTS. Every tasting adds to your body.

2) You have to avoid certain foods.

The good news is, you get to decide what you'd like to avoid. The bad news is, there will be somethings you like.

Most diets fail because people either fail to implement them for the long term or that they're too tempted to cheat and, as rule one goes, there's no going back from one sampling.

Quick science lesson- all the food we eat comprises of one or more of these three essential nutrients. These are categorized as Protein, Carbohydrate and Fat.

From most reliable sources that I have researched, you need minimum of two core groups for sustenance and long term goals, as well as building muscle to survive.

By muscle, I don't mean your bulk weightlifting veinous stuff that you can show off in a fistfight. Muscle is well...important. Let's leave it at that. You need muscle is all you need to remember.

Which brings us to the next point, for cleanse/losing weight/being clean you need to take a call on what food group you need to eliminate. Since we established that muscle is important, we also need to establish that muscle usually comes off feeding on protein.

That means, Protein is a must in your diet. Some cheap sources of Protein are eggs, chicken, fish, shrimps, turkey, oats, cottage cheese (paneer), broccoli (and family), legumes.

Rajma Chawal is legit diet food, repeat after me. Protein and Carbs together, a healthy fucking meal.

To answer your question, what should you eat, you need to take your pick from Carbs/Fat to team with Protein now.

For me, the breakdown was between cheese and potato and I chose potato. Cheese being a source of Fat and potato being a source of Carb. I love me my pepper sprinkled Curly Fries and while I can leave anything else, Fries would be unrealistic. I picked my devil and eliminated Fat. As much as possible.

Since, I live with my parents who love food just as much as the Pope loves Jesus, it was incredibly hard to be 100% true to these amazing things I read off the internet or the inspirational speech all my former fat friends gave me.

To fill those gaps in, I added a few additional things.

3) I cut off most processed food from my diet. This included bread, cheese, sausages, cold cuts, sauces, pureés, ice creams, chocolates and anything really, that came from a pack. I restricted packaged bread consumption to two slices a week. Thereby ensuring, everything I was consuming was made fresh and came with a short expiration date. Believe it or not, it really helped me with understanding nourishment better.

Because I had drilled it in my head that I can cheat with French Fries once a week, I had to trade EVERYTHING ELSE. Which also included chips.

If you know me, you'd know chips are my highest rated vice. My umbrella term included chips and fries as one, except, my calorie count for the day restricted chips since they constituted for a lot more calories and less satisfaction.

Which leads me to two additional points-

4) You need to go on a calorie deficit diet if weight goal or losing inch is your goal. There's a whole lot of literature available on the internet, including how to calculate how much calories you need in a day to be on a deficit, using your body weight and height. There's also a lot of literature on the science behind it. I wouldn't recommend any because I want you to do your research and read enough to know the logic behind it first.

However, be wary of measurements and actually counting calories.

I can clearly help you in understanding that unless you invest in a kitchen food measuring weighing scale, your calorie counting would be at far worst. You'd be speculating since nutrients in an uncooked cabbage are very different than nutrients in a patta gobhi ki sabji (cabbage stir fry- Indian style). You need to understand a bit of cooking, a wee bit of counting calories, and have an app handy on you to mark your calories. My Fitness Pal is a great app to begin counting calories. You'll feel guilty each day as you log in your report and eventually be cured of reducing your eight small meals (real stupidity) in two or three big ones to satisfy yourself.

5) Packed chips and most things packed by the manufacturers come bearing a lot of calories which are nothing but empty and do not provide nourishment or energy or sustenance. They're all about taste. Think of a ridiculously hot man who can't spell and is a xenophobe.

That's your pack of chips. Empty inside.

Yet, 60 gms of that amounts to over 400 calories.

On my diet, I was on a 1200 calorie a day. The BMI calculation allowed me 1400 to lose weight but because I was leading a completely sedantary lifestyle, I ended up reducing 200 further.

Realistically speaking, most of our cooked Indian food messes the logged in calorie value on these apps so I'd say, keeping a buffer of 200 less than what your BMI calculator and calorie deficit score suggests but I'd also recommend speaking to a nutritionist before you do that. Please consult your doctor or a stable/responsible adult before doing any of this.

Which brings me to the next point-

6) There are plenty of diet fads on the internet, don't fall for them blindly. Read all about them before you step on the accelerator. On Keto, you can't fuck around with alcohol. You can lead to bone trouble (osteoporosis and the likes) if you stop consuming good fats in the forms such as butter, ghee and other dairy products. Basically, every diet, fad comes with a problem. Read up, research. Pick what works for you.

But before you jump on it, let me ask you a question. Why diet? Why do you want to do this?

7) I wanted to diet because I was doing zero to no physical activity. There was a time, I would go to office, eat a whole lot of crap and come back, only to eat more. I'd stress some more and stuff a pack of chips, some bites of namkeen and biscuits (and for the record I hate biscuits) and then dinner. I was eating and stressing on repeat.

I needed to not only lose weight but control my mind against all that there was on offer and all that I was so madly obsessed with.

Since I got to doing this, I feel like I have been writing better, focusing on my work sharper than ever and definitely more mindful of my surrounding, including what I eat and how much of it do I need. it.

8) Portion Control is magical, try that. I used to be obsessed with breads of all kinds. Roti, Naan, White, Sourdough...you name it and I would want to eat it. Controling that really helped. While I had friends who told me to quit it completely, I couldn't because I wasn't quite fond of picking my vegetables without the comforting blanket of chapati and I needed some carb shaped happiness in my life.

My balance of Carbs and Protein was 40-60 where I would eat bread for one meal along with vegetables and the other two meals would be light and easy. Thereby, eliminating bread from two meals and replacing with things that could be potentially made better.

If you like snacking like I do, try things made with besan (chickpea flour). I consumed Besan Ka Chila (chickpea flour savoury pancakes) for dinner on the occasion when I did not want to eat Protein alone. While this allowed me some variation, my craving for breaking a bite like I would do with a chapati was eased as well. I was mentally and physically quite satisfied with the replacement.
Dhokla (made at home), Upma, Poha are all healthy alternatives to breakfast ideas. Since I prefer eating an egg-y dinner, I make sure I do my snacks first thing in the morning so as to eliminate any feeling about buying a pack of murukku and polishing it off.

Snacking also means forgoing your choice of snacks and eating something different.

I had to replace wads of salamis with carrots and cucumber, paneer. Six months in, I'm slightly better and barring that trip to Thailand, I think I have only had salamis twice. This, from a person, who would eat cold cuts as passing snack every fucking day.

To the next one,

9) Cut yourself some slack. It's okay if you do end up cheating or find it hard to take so much in. Take baby steps. Make things simple. Read, as much as you can, on nutrition, on food and on all that you like. Chances are, the more you read, the more disheartened you will be about your favourite snack or food.

It's a great guilty trip to read about Papdi having close to 600 calories to a plate minus the condiments including yogurt, chutneys and the additives like sev etc.

I am allowed 1200 calories a day so if I were to eat a plate of that, I'm only left with 600 calories. Reading that used to terrify me and I'd never look in the direction of Papdi, ever again.

10) Don't rush into things. All good things take time. In the beginning, I started to run and eat salads. Both of them were terrible ideas since my physical level was sedentary and salads were not cutting for me. Today, my idea of a salad consists of a plate of chicken tikka with lots of yogurt chutney and my exercise would be 10 minute dance video and that's probably healthier than the hell hole I was putting myself into everytime I tried to eat clean. Make your own rules, find your middle ground.

If you really want to do this and can afford, chicken/paneer tikka will be your best friend. Make some at home, there's a lot of recipes online and most of them are extremely simple. These are two things that you can eat out while you're on cleanse, cook at home or order in. If you're out on a dinner with friends, family or anyone, these are diet friendly and tasty.

If you don't like tikkas then find an alternative that works for you, is high on protein and edible quotient. You'll find diet getting easy.

11) Workout when you think you've controlled your eating habit. Because I was doing something entirely correctional and changing my lifestyle, I was told by Mia K that I need to work on it first before jumping into working out. It could take anywhere from 6-18 months where I have to break habits of a lifetime and get better than ever. Fitter, mentally and physically to control any and all temptations.

Working out prematurely would mean going back and eating crap. You'd justify in your head, "I worked out today, I deserve an ice cream."

Sure you do, except it doesn't stop there. While you end up complaining about sore legs and a terrible leg day, you will take the liberty of eating crap the next day and not working out for a full three day schedule. You not only fall back on result but also end up exhausting your body, confusing it and retaining water weight.

Don't do anything stupid. Give it time. Give your diet time.

12) Don't expect results for a minimum of six months. I'm addressing this for the first time now, six months in since I can feel it now. You'll feel dejected when you check your weight and inches and nothing would show initially. Give yourself time till a year to implement these.
Just as how you didn't gain your weight and inches in a month, it won't go in a week or a month. Remember, the slower you shed the higher your retaining rate of weight loss will be.

14) Hydrate yourself plenty. Hunger rises from being thirsty. I highly recommend indulging in fucking water, as much as possible. 3-4 litres a day if you can and have a washroom to your disposal. I have been told hot water does wonders but I find it hard to drink so I'm still trying to get used to it. The more you hydrate, the less scope for snacking or being hungry there will be. Make it a point to drink water each time you stare in your phone screen, that's easy to do.

15) Intermittent Fast is your best friend. Look, it's mine at at least. I learnt from a friend that 8/16 is a thing but before I get all technical, let me explain in short what this does. It makes you sleep better at night if you eat four hours prior to bed, at the very least. No taking a bite or tasting after. You basically give yourself a window of 8-10 hours in a day to eat and eat only within that time, keeping in mind your calorie deficit count. The other 16-14 hours remaining you stay hungry, you sleep and rest. You be chill, minus any food.

My get togethers involve me having dinner before and joining my friends with a glass of water. I try and not eat beyond 7-7:3o pm and start my day with breakfast at around 10 am. It's not perfect 8/16 but that's the best I can pull. Your body will have time to digest food and you will give yourself the window to burn fat when you're not eating.

13) Lastly, focus on your goal. My goal is very different than yours. I wanted to change my lifestyle, eating habits and lose weight. I also wanted to be flexible in bed, more than ever. I wanted to lose inch and fat. I also wanted to be healthy and happy. It took a while to get here but I'm more than pepped now. Charged to drop some more, even if it means I choke to death while working out in the polluted af city I live in.

You'd be pleased to know, I have tried and I'm still trying and I'm getting there. Slowly.

I could tell you on why sugar is a terrible idea, on why I'm divided on fruits being bad for you, but I'd rather have you take the first step to making sure you're completely into this idea. If that switch is turned on in your head, now's a good time to do this. If not, come back another day. This may appeal to you someday.

A little over three weeks since I drank alcohol.

52 days since I smoked a doob.

33 whole days since I went on a first date.

Gained a kilo since after losing eight (and probably more as I type).

Was able to clock in on non-stop high intensity workout for 20 minutes.

Commissioned 31 photo-shoots in remote parts of the country, scheduled to be completed this month.

Consumed no McDonald's.

0 weddings attended all of this month, when my entire social media list was basically living from Mehendi to Reception.

Finished two books and one TV series (first season) in a fortnight.

Missed a handful of people I love and miss, every single day.

Ate 1.5 pack of chips. Took a dump in the office washroom when we had two rolls of toilet paper.

3rd May | Guy Curious Executive Lesbian

1 KF Ultra = 140
1 plate French Fries = 510
3 piece Pork Wonton = 55 x 3 = 165

Guy Curious Executive Lesbian casually threw shade about my lack of a jaw line. This triggered my 1200 calorie a day regime. It may have been PMS but this guy's shade makes for a better inspiration story. A couple of months later, Guy Curious Executive Lesbian and I were briefly catching up and he expressed instant regret at my weight loss, "Your tits were the best thing about you. Now that they're gone, there's nothing".

Total = 815 calories


June 24th | Guy Butter Chicken

6 small Bacardi Rum x 3 sodas = 65 x 6 = 390
Some insipid chicken starter (I tasted and then a little more)  = 400

Guy Butter Chicken offered to accompany me to McDonald's but I had a flight to catch = - 1700

Total = 790 calories


July 2nd | Guy Cute Filmmaker

2 small Bacardi Rum x 1 soda = 65 x 2 = 130

Guy Cute Filmmaker was surprised that I have dinner at 6:30-7 pm so we both skipped food = -500

Total = 130 calories


July 21st | Guy Cute Filmmaker's birthday

2 small Smirnoff Vodkas x 1 soda and fresh lime juice = 70 x 2 = 140

A friend I met at the party where I was at asked me if I wanted any dinner. I didn't.

Total = 140 calories


August 16th | Guy Strange Stringer

2 large Smirnoff Vodkas x 1 soda and fresh lime juice = 140 x 2 = 280

Total = 280 calories


September 18th | Guy Goofball Polyglot who I'm totally crushing on but he has no fucks to spare unless he gets drunk and purrs my way with a "hi" and I am usually, almost, always asleep

1 KitKat Ice Cream = - 201
1 7-Eleven slurpee = - 65
45 minute long walk culminating to my hotel room = + (-42 burnt)
Cardio (aka cuddle) in bed = + (- 24)

Guy Goofball Polyglot didn't meet me cause he was *cough* busy and I shall live with that regret for the rest of my life (or until I find his replacement to fuss over, whichever happens sooner).

Total = -200 calories


September 30th | Guy Passive Aggresive Hotelier

2 large Smirnoff Vodkas x 1 soda and fresh lime juice = 140 x 2 = -280

I didn't meet Guy Passive Aggresive Hotelier for a few logistical reasons at my end.

Total = -280 calories


October 3rd | Guy Passive Aggresive Hotelier

1 cup Espresso = -5

 I didn't meet Guy Passive Aggressive Hotelier cause I met SSA instead and consumed 480 calories in a healthy protein packed lunch at a healthy café. I kinda ditched. Did feel a tad bit guilty.

Calories = 480


October 4th | Guy Blind Dog Date

1 small Smirnoff Vodka x 1 glass water and fresh lime juice = 70

Total = 70 calories


October 12th | Guy Ridiculously Witty and Fun

2 small Smirnoff Vodka x 1 glass water and fresh lime juice = 70 x 2 = 140

Total = 140 calories



October 27th | Guy Rustic Filmmaker 

3 Mutton Seekh Kebabs = 112 x 3 = 336
2 pieces Chicken Tikka = 190
Salad = 60
Slow paced walk for 120 minutes = + (-100 calories)
Tea = 60

Total = 546 calories


October 28th | Guy Rustic Filmmaker 

Yellow Chicken Curry (with sweet potato) = 850
Sticky Rice = 97
Summer Spring Roll = 120 x 4 = 480

That explains why I wanted to throw up through rest of the date. That was more calories in one meal than I have in a day

Total = 1427 calories


October 30th | Guy Rustic Filmmaker 

Tea = 60

Total = 60 calories

I have got egg yolk remains stuck in my nail bed from last night's dinner (fried egg), so I suppose, this will keep the post short. It also calls for washing hands, but let's be real, my office smells like turd factory and despite loading on soap + shampoo + loofah + handwash + shower, it hasn't been helpful.

Washing hands means getting up from the chair and looking at my face in the mirror. Absolutely not looking forward to that since I may jinx the beauty that I am.

Besides keeping my nails dirty, I'm trying to spice my life as well. Other than downloading Tinder, I haven't washed my hair since Tuesday and I really am avoiding looking in the mirror at this point. What if it cracks? I can't afford to replace the only functional washroom in my life. This bad hair thing has become a trend. At the blog party, the best compliment I may have received sounded something like this,

"Are you going to put on some makeup and fix your hair? It looks like you used your hair to sweep the entire terrace?"

Haven't had an opportunity to look anything different, since.

What's been up? Besides storing food in my nail bed (for reasons such as starvation or hoarding of grains), I've managed to store food in my muscles (wait, is that fat?) or somewhere only I know (I'm sorry). Yeah, so the whole cleanse thing has been a bit of a fail since I tried a cocktail of things. Only eating fat-free greens, only eating proteins, eating under 1000 calories a day, eating chole bhature...the works. Spoiler alert- some of that worked. However, what I do have sorted is the idea that I like certain food groups a lot more than ever, for example, bring me poha and I'll show you my breakfast. This from a person whose standard breakfast used to be French Toast and cheese everyfuckingday.

What started as a "Haha, let's do this eating clean thing" turned into, "I've had a total of 1000 calories in two days", now going into "I NEED MOMOS" on a fucking Tuesday- all been absolutely dangerous to my cleanse. Thankfully, today it ended in Dal Makhni and Roti and lot of other carbs but this ten-minute minute piece on clean food, isn't exactly hard to do, or for that matter write about. I mean, I never thought I'd hit a day when dal-roti for dinner would qualify as a fucking cheat meal. However, here we are. Some kilos and inches lost and looking forward to more. Yet, it doesn't mean I could shake the demotivation off. If I blogged about fussing over academia for ten years, it's hopefully going to be fussing over myself for the next ten. I recall going from not having any fucks to give for my grades and school to actually bursting out in hives over my grades. Surely, the transition was maddening but I am looking out for something similar here. Or not. I'm not sure. Although, I do truly care about vanity so it probably will be.

I really fucking need to lose ten pounds like Regina George and also on a lookout for someone to tell me if butter's a carb. Man Friday tells me peanut butter on bread should be a meal but are those carbs or what? (Spoiler alert- those are carbs and fats and I recently read peanut butter is unhealthy cause it's filled with palm oil so feel free to ask me for my bottle.)

I came across a Summer post from 2013 on the blog today. It talked about becoming a domestic goddess, putting on weight, working out, not losing any, eating and cooking endlessly, and complaints about being single. That post literally sounded like everything 2017 has been this Summer. Including the same workplace where I interned back in the day. As of today, I have a day job there and well, let's just say I'm hitting the tipping point. Mama needs a paid vacation for a year. Or maybe, it's the air conditioning in my room which isn't working.

As far as I remember 2013 was also the year where I ate 1000 calories a day, much like I am trying now. Although, I do believe I am doing way better at the moment. I remember guising fries clocking at 700 calories and surviving the rest of the day on sprout salad and boiled eggs.

Anyhow, I'll cut myself some slack. I ate a little over 1000 calories today, all inclusive of carbs and fat and it hasn't done much of a difference in so far as that meal acting as uppers.

Then ofcourse there are days like today when you're so stressed that the idea of carbs itself is comforting, you don't need to go out there and consume them. Binge writing- just like binge eating- is for days when your employer won't stop screaming, the freelancers continue to disappoint and the service providers are a big let down. When you want to should a loud fucking, "FUCK YOU ALL MORONS." into the universe but all that you end up doing is slapping the keyboard in a haphazard fashion and bore people with the details of your calorie deficit, nutrient-heavy diet.

I find former fat kids an intriguing place to look for answers. Answers to questions, their being, the outlook and their outwardly appearance of things which are often covered up by the elephant in the room- the weight loss-that made them who they are.

Confession- I fantasize about being one. Perhaps someday, I too shall be one. I may get to be one and live that life.

Love them or hate their luck, they're quite the rhinoceros who made the cut off to be unicorns. I know so many of them; some very close to me and the others, I want to get close to. They're elusive. I have seen them talk with their eyes, better than the communication post graduates who got a fucking degree in expressing themselves through different media.

Former fat kids is that coveted club, a Gymkhana of sorts, where one in a thousand makes it through. When they do, all eyes are on them. Sure, they have their own grievances to deal with. Their shortcomings that could not be fixed by working out or eating clean or doing weights, but god, they're so fucking attractive.

I know this because I've crushed on a few such. They're creatures who were just as regular as us, but made it to the other side. They're demigods, for they worked on their body and made it their own. It's something no normal person can understand. You have to be a fat kid to know the premise of making it to the other side. It's a lot like new money getting new money. Generations of rich kids won't ever know what's it like for having made it for the first time, on your own. Imagine, that effect but on your body. That's when you truly own them and the world around you.

The world talks money and understands attraction. You have them around your fingers, curled. Just because you worked hard and made it. A friend who's in that club reminded me, "But the fact is, the same 3 people who liked me when I was fat are the ones who truly like me. The rest are only turning their head to the changes my body made. Not at the person I am. The people who liked me, liked me when I was 150 kilos fat."

To be honest, I'd have liked my bunch, just the way they were- with or without the effort. But, effort always counts. Especially if it's your crush who's put that in.

This is another fact confirmed by so many people I've spoken to over the years. Former fat kids grown out to be hotter and more in demand than those who's consistently been 'healthy', 'skinny', 'regular', 'medium', 'average'. Not only do former fat kids get noticed for their sculpted new bodies, their chiselled face yells a lethal combination of confidence and arrogance. It's like a pass to life, you made it through your time as a former fat kid, now you have an all access card to fucking anyone's happiness. Go on, live it. You completely earned it after years of having people look down at you. Here's your card to do it now. For the record, I completely and wholeheartedly support them in this motion.

My new motto to life is- "Don't be afraid to hate" and it coincides just right with these fellas.

One thing, that always baffled me about them former fat kids is their closet. What do these people do with wardrobe full of clothes they sourced over the years, painstrikingly, for their size? Again, I know this because even though I love to shop, finding things that coincide your style, your pocket and your body together is a hellish experience. Half my trips abroad are spent lurking from store to store, finding things that can last me through the soirees thrown by my former fat kid friends. I love them to death but god, I can't match their sass.

I have had this question repeat itself, each time it saw a transformation. A girl from class who got married, another who's chilling on a yacht, yet another friend who's been there with me. This man, who I swore to myself I'd do at the backseat of his car (spoiler- didn't happen there)- him- and another crush amongst other people; this question remained in my head. I could never bring it up. Ofcourse half the time in my head I felt bad for the outfit and how it would be chucked out for snug, snooty fitted outfit to match the lethal personality of the person wearing it.

It's as if you shed the person you are, along with the weight you lose. You have a reincarnation over night, with the fat you dispose. There's no other explanation to this.

This morning, after my shower, I was attempting to wear my outfit. My new lingerie, picked out from my last vacation after having hunted it for over a week hung loose despite wearing it on the tightest clamp. A tshirt, which used to be body hugging, now hung loose over the ill-fitted bra.

I came out of the shower to stare at myself. I find myself doing it a lot more these days. The flab from my sides hasn't shown itself in a week, the tyres re-appear only after the dinner and I see the appearance of a waist line. The boobs have shrunk, but I can't say the same with surety. It's almost as if I don't want to jinx it.

This morning is when I learnt my answer. You don't fuss about the clothes. Instead, you constantly worry about putting something in your mouth and that thing translating back on your body. On the sides, in your tits, on your back, in your tyres- everywhere. Former fat kids don't give a fuck about the outfits. They only care about one thing- they don't ever want to go back from where they've come and how far they've worked to reach where they are. They'd rather spend their life making money to buy new outfit than to go back to the mediocrity that a "normal" body brings.

I was all of 16- when I first found out what they called me behind my back.

"Baby elephant"

At 16, I definitely had better legs than that adorable thing on the left.

A girl filled that as an entry in response to her "Favourite Pet" in my slam book. Looking back, I barf at the idea that I went to her in the first place to have it filled.

Regardless, I was 16. Weighing 49 kilos- an average of over 9 kilos than most girls in my class. Blessed with a round face, filled cheeks and hair tied in a single braid (pretty much all of the school tenure), I was hardly the size of a baby elephant, my arch nemesis at the time.

I don't quite remember what my reaction was (besides shock). Shock, that they were picking on me for my physical appearance. You see, unlike today, there wasn't quite an outlet for "awareness" and making memes such as "best swimsuit size is whatever the fuck you have" and so on.

I didn't have heavy boobage, or legs or waist. Hell, I'd kill to go back at 16 (but with the boobs please) and be the same person. I truly think the 16-year-old me had the kind of spunk that present 25-year-old (thirty kilos fatter and three cup sizes bigger) doesn't have. I digress but this "baby elephant" instance came to me, as I spiralled back into thinking about how trolls are made.

Last evening, I found out that Writer/Comedienne Supriya Joshi apparently put out a thread in response to the trolls who have been fat-shaming her. If this were an academic piece, addressed to people aged 30 and above, I'd explain every fucking term in my previous sentence. However, since it's my blog, clocking in under 50 fucking views, I feel I have the liberty to move on. She wrote a long thread, addressing her issue against those who reduce her body as a currency into shaming her for what she is/she does. Joshi's thread was absolutely compelling read, especially for someone like me, who's been at the receiving end of it.





To begin with, the problem here at point zero isn't trolls alone. The rhizomatic structure from where these trolls emerge always tend to go towards the can of worms, aka conditioning. You grow up to be a person, a reflection of who you were while growing up, by and large. A mirror image of your parents, of the friends who shaped you (aka the asshole from school who started the "baby elephant" label). You've been in a place where you've learnt to point fingers at anyone with a visibly different shape of body than you all your life. A thread on Twitter, educational creatives on Facebook and Instagram can barely help you. They can probably make you sympathize with them for like 20 seconds or more (depending on how thick in the head you are). The discourse moved from pointing and laughing at you after filling your slam book to trolling people online. Bullies acquired a form in Trolls, where faceless identities can do the same to you, what spineless gits attempted in school/college.

For me, the ordeal ended when I left school. During the college admissions, I was convinced of not wanting to go to a girls college because our convent school was a hell hole, nothing short of penance to live through (despite Jesus dying for our sins). Thankfully, people at college, even at 18 were far more mature than cunts from school. To this day, I don't feel judged for occupying space, when I sit, when I eat or when I walk. Basically, I thank all the people I ever brushed shoulder with at college (and believe me, there were quite a few in the three colleges that I attended) for being fucking normal about how I look.

At 25, I no longer am affected by what people say for me, call me or tell me to my face. The only opinion that matters about my body is mine. So, when three months ago, I looked in the mirror and did actually see a stranger look back, I knew I had to take the matter in my hand. After many trials and errors, I'm now attempting to work on my body, mostly because I don't want to subscribe to the same lifestyle I was living in the last eight years of my tenure at different colleges. I want to be able to go back at where I was when I was 16. Look back at the same body and marvel at it.

The most critical thing in looking back, ofcourse, remains facing my demons. I was once told by a dear friend, that kids who grow up fat and are called names for it are forever fat kids in their head. No matter how much weight they lose, or what they turn out to be professionally or personally, or how many packs of abs they visibly sport, the fact remains that a part of their mental health is forever stunted. Somewhere deep down, I knew she was right.

But as someone who wants to look back at being 16, and wanting to change my life, I need to address these bullies and trolls I've encountered in the process.

As Joshi rightly said, when you call someone fat, there's nothing more than a physical description you're explaining. That's an adjective and that's who they are. More often than not, a fat person is pretty self-aware that they're fat. However, when you call someone a terrible terrible person, you should know there's something off about them. Sometime back, a man I went out with (and was actually beginning to enjoy his company) randomly told me that how any Indian family I aspire to get myself married into, will not "traditionally" accept my presence for how I physically look. However, he did add that atleast my skin colour will work in the favour. Was that man a bully? Probably not. Was he a troll? Hardly so. Was he concerned about what the world truly thinks of people like me, ten-twenty-thirty kilos overweight, obese, chubby, "healthy"? Fuck yeah.

If everything came down to looks, Charles Sobraj would make for Nepal's president and not a terrible fucking individual. However, given his sweltering looks and suave attitude, he would surely make an Indian man and his family truly happy. As for that girl from school, I sincerely wish she comes under a speeding car and breaks her triple chin (oh did I point at the obvious now?) that she proudly sports in all her pictures. Umm, is my favourite animal a giraffe? I don't think so. Not that petty, but still, petty (enough to point my vanity and pitch it against hers, convent school women only understand one language).

You know what they say, being bullied can turn the victims into becoming a bully themselves. Aka the plot of Mean Girls. Or, how I'm not sorry about being the venomous, unapologetic asshole that I am. Thank you, moral science classes. You truly helped my personality in its complete development. 

When I think about Summer, I'm taken back to playing in the park opposite Sehgal market. If you're raising an eyebrow, wondering what sort of royalty am I, then please know that I've nothing to do with the name of that park. Although, I may have been responsible for naming a park with rocky terrain and running field, "Dingdong Park". Yeah, I was twisted even as a child. 

A disclaimer before you begin reading this- I'm at an all time high. Endorphins are fucking amazing; you know what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Channelizing my inner Kelly Clarkson just this minute.