Prose before hos

I'm wrapping up my 26th year in India today. For the next week and a half- and possibly the last few days as a 26-year-old will be spent in the UK, provided the airport authorities don't tear my passport, I get to be on the right flight before and after the layover and my posterior and I survive 13 hours over multiple time zones.



This was a bad month for writing but I promise, or well intend to work on that promise in the next few days and write about the UK. For the most part, this was supposed to happen when I was turning 21-22 and since then, I gave up the idea of doing anything overseas.

Repeat after me- Thailand is not overseas. Thailand is home.

Onwards anxiety, panic and hopefully many interesting posts. 

I've drawn a list of things I need to-do, in addition to all the garbage I have listed on Trello. Bear with me because this is the closest I've come to organizing my thoughts. Prose will be back when this trial week is over.

Trial run from 9th-15th July for the following things-

1) Sleeping by 11 pm. It's 11:53 as I type this, if I make it to bed by 12, it would be a real achievement. Okay before 12, every day for the rest of the week. (At the time of posting- it's 12:01 and I need to brush so 12:15 am is final time)

2) Make. A. Budget. Factor in all the costs, losses, pros, cons, and everything else involved. Don't procrastinate. (I mean, for fuck's sake, you do this for a living at work every fucking week)

3) No overthinking. Not about the job, not about the lack of water in the washbasin at the job. Not about not having any real skill. Not about, "What will this PhD even do?"

4) DO NOT EAT PEANUTS. DO NOT COME CLOSE TO PEANUTS.

5) Minimize eating crap to not even once a week.

6) Pencil in HIIT at least four times this week.

7) Look for a birthday gift for grandfather. Something that he actually cares about.

8) Read a motherfucking book other than what you're making.

9) Watch Narcos.

10) REPLY TO PERSONAL EMAILS. PLEASE FOR FUCK'S SAKE RESPOND TO EMAILS FROM CONFERENCE ORGANIZERS, ADVISORS, POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS.

11) Organize your artwork for the room.

12) WRITE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PAPER.

13) Do not binge on dessert. You don't need dessert. Do not eat mango. Do not go near a mango.

14) Limit social interaction to one hour at best, after work. I repeat- 60 minutes or less. Or every 15 minutes spent with people you don't care about, add that to your workout.

15) Don't spend time on dating apps.

I've forgotten how to write. To assemble my ideas on a #ffffff digital sheet and twist them tight to breathe life into them; how does one do that?

I've forgotten how to do most things. I've forgotten to be myself. To know with confidence, that I own it and I can kick ass if I do it.

In my mind, I come across the strange situation, over and over again- what if I can't? 

I'd prefer forgetting how to, as opposed to failing at it once again.

Remind me again darling, how do I kickass. 

Eleven years ago, in the same neighbourhood as where I'm plonked at the moment, I wrote my first blog post. Snobster Dot Blogspot Dot Come was live on this date in 2007. On a rush to head to the tuition centre manned by a she-dragon, I was shitting bricks about the homework I should have done the night before. Today, I'm at work. Clearly, not doing the best job whilst being at it.

In these eleven years, I have jumped from red bricks to red salute, gained weight and lost some, contracted a few never heard of diseases for my age bracket (chickenpox at 26 was diggity bomb) and having done things no civil person should have indulged in, in public.

What I am saying is, there's no stopping. There's no growing up. There's only fucking things up royally and learning from there (no making out in public view- for one).

Last year, I promised myself to give my body and lifestyle the same amount of attention as I did to reading and writing for the ten years that elapsed. After dropping a few kilos (17, betch) and finding out that I possess a collarbone after all, I am here. Stuffing my face with sugar and celebrating this day.

Here's to another year of fucking this shit up and hoping there's one person who reads all about it and never brings it up to my face.

A PhD synopsis defended successfully.

Two complete cycles around the Sun whilst being gainfully employed.

Two new cookbooks enroute.

17 kilos of body weight down.

 Life's on the fifth gear, in the fifth month of the year. I'm not complaining.

I came across a post a friend had shared on my Facebook Wall- back when Wall was still a thing.

Four years ago today-

"26 has happened, someone was supposed to meet me!"
"Can't la, *insert author's name* has discontinued his column in the newspaper and I need time to get over this trauma."

I remember that too well. It hit me enough that I called Man Friday to rant- back when talking to Man Friday (MF) was still a thing.

"I promise you, one day we'll have breakfast in his house. Bacon, eggs, sausages...he's going to make it all for us. I'll make it happen."
Broken hearted, I believed. I lapped at every word MF had to say. To be honest, his words were all I had in times of sadness. When sadness truly meant no column by my favourite author in the newspaper.

2018, I'm working on a book which will be co-authored by him. Hoping I wouldn't have to do it. It's not the easiest book to work on, he's not the easiest guy to deal with. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with him or my fifteen-year-old self would die of anxiety thinking about it.

If only, I could go back in time and tell the little girl who started reading his work back in the early noughties, hang in there, you wouldn't want it one bit in time to come.

Writing, like most notable arts, comes from the darkest corners of despair.

Also at this point, I would like to confess, I know not what other corners actually offer despair besides darkness. Bear with me, in all these years, this is by far the worst post I have written at the end of the year. My year end posts are legendary, so hilarious and thus, coming from a spot which is so dark that it could put coal matcha ice cream to shame.

It's kinda not the same this year. Well, just not as much as I would like.

I recall the last year's New Year's eve and my state of mind. I was fighting against all odds to keep a straight face, determined to make it through to the next, knowing that it would be a battle to weed out my insecurities.

My insecurities, you ask. What can be possibly wrong when you're young and virile and have a job and friends who like you and a house to live in with a stable WiFi connection.

My braces were in tact, I was covered in chicken pox marks and life was at an all time low. I was at least ten kilos fatter than what I used to weigh and look. This page was dead. I wasn't writing. I wasn't reading just as much as I would have liked myself to. I had no semblance of a life besides spending money on food takeaways tri-weekly. That was my source of entertainment.

I knew, this was the point when I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my shit together.

It took me year but I was able to tick a whole bunch of things off my Summer bucket list, by which time I had just started my "eating clean" regime. I was struggling to keep it all together. The only thing that truly helped was that my jaw looked fantastic. The braces had come off and I was writing twice a week.

In the last six months, I have done things that I never imagined I was capable of doing. Physically, mentally and emotionally- on all counts I have really stretched my patience thin and realized I am made of steel. I can give so much more and change just so much if I put determination to it.

Of course, there's that thing about luck as well. But things just as simple as putting a work out together requires little luck. This year was all about cutting luck out of life and working smartly, and puttin in hard work.

It sounds like a lot of gassing but if you're me, you're only going to have this sense of satisfaction.



I made out of 2017 alive, kicking and being even more sassy than ever. I have done a whole bunch of books which adorn the shelves at bookstores in India. I am working on making a better version of my body every single day, I write with an unabashed sense of freedom, one that I never experienced before this. I have people who take me seriously, who value my opinion and read my painful bi-weekly deadline reminder emails from me. I have been told I give real good head and I have managed to make myself look good in cropped sweaters. I have managed to stop eating chips and stop pegging my happiness on food.

This is as good as it gets. With one too many hiccups in this year,  I was able to pull off a whole lot.

Bring it on, 2018. I'm going to nail you down just as hard as Jaysus was nailed.

Ah-men.

When I started my cleanse, I swore to myself I wouldn't do two things-

1) Post before and after comparison shots of myself.
2) Lecture people on how to, and what to do, in order to be clean.

Some six months into it, I'm guilty of having struck both as yes.

Sparing the point one to public at large, I'm delving straight to point two.

Long story short, I'm eight kilos lighter; couple of inches have cinched and I think I'm better than Regina Fucking George now. I'm literally eligible to qualify as a "#healthblogger". However, will spare everyone the horror and dive right into what's demanded.

Umang Sabarwal, maker of that exceptionally rad Bobby Deol birthday video asked for my "diet" as a gift on her birthday. I may have promised another friend to share the same. Well, this is it.

There's no particular diet or magic to do what I did. It's incredibly simple. You have got to train your mind to not give in to the temptations.

It may read like utter bullshit but for someone who was an emotional eater, I had an eating problem to tame. With my salary reaching my bank, I was only ever focused on one thing, where and what am I eating next. I had a job to eat, which my salary was funding and I was more than happy leading that life.

You see, food is the blood type for my family. It's the elixir that keeps me going. And them going. It's all that I ever need to fill the human shaped vaccuum in my heart. Food is everything. And, I don't mean it in a meme manner.

My family and I are obsessed with food. Most of my best friendships are forged on the relationship of how obsessed we are with food, and good food. Devil lies in the details so my friends and I can possibly tell you how to pair your Butter Chicken with the Naan, what kind of Naan, what texture of Butter Chicken Gravy (disclaimer: I hate Butter Chicken but I can still do the aforementioned).

Long story short, to do that for a person who's surrounded by food, the discussion on food and was ironically employed at making cookbooks breathe to life was a task.

Most of it came from determination and will power.

I can assure you, I've been eyeing food just the way I used to six months ago. The difference is the conversation I have with myself.

"Yo, do you want a bite of that?"

"I do, but do you think we'll stop at a bite?"

"Probably not, do you still want it?"

"Okay let's do this."

"Fiiine..."

"Wait a minute, how many calories are there in a bite?"

"Uh. Dude, I remember the article said no bites. It ruins the cleanse."

"So, this is it?"

"I suppose."


That's the conversation which plays inside my head, every single time I look at food that I want and can't have.

Drawing two conclusions-

1) No taking "one bite" or "bite" or "tasting" or "touching". The minute you do it, there's no going back. EVERY BITE COUNTS. Every tasting adds to your body.

2) You have to avoid certain foods.

The good news is, you get to decide what you'd like to avoid. The bad news is, there will be somethings you like.

Most diets fail because people either fail to implement them for the long term or that they're too tempted to cheat and, as rule one goes, there's no going back from one sampling.

Quick science lesson- all the food we eat comprises of one or more of these three essential nutrients. These are categorized as Protein, Carbohydrate and Fat.

From most reliable sources that I have researched, you need minimum of two core groups for sustenance and long term goals, as well as building muscle to survive.

By muscle, I don't mean your bulk weightlifting veinous stuff that you can show off in a fistfight. Muscle is well...important. Let's leave it at that. You need muscle is all you need to remember.

Which brings us to the next point, for cleanse/losing weight/being clean you need to take a call on what food group you need to eliminate. Since we established that muscle is important, we also need to establish that muscle usually comes off feeding on protein.

That means, Protein is a must in your diet. Some cheap sources of Protein are eggs, chicken, fish, shrimps, turkey, oats, cottage cheese (paneer), broccoli (and family), legumes.

Rajma Chawal is legit diet food, repeat after me. Protein and Carbs together, a healthy fucking meal.

To answer your question, what should you eat, you need to take your pick from Carbs/Fat to team with Protein now.

For me, the breakdown was between cheese and potato and I chose potato. Cheese being a source of Fat and potato being a source of Carb. I love me my pepper sprinkled Curly Fries and while I can leave anything else, Fries would be unrealistic. I picked my devil and eliminated Fat. As much as possible.

Since, I live with my parents who love food just as much as the Pope loves Jesus, it was incredibly hard to be 100% true to these amazing things I read off the internet or the inspirational speech all my former fat friends gave me.

To fill those gaps in, I added a few additional things.

3) I cut off most processed food from my diet. This included bread, cheese, sausages, cold cuts, sauces, pureés, ice creams, chocolates and anything really, that came from a pack. I restricted packaged bread consumption to two slices a week. Thereby ensuring, everything I was consuming was made fresh and came with a short expiration date. Believe it or not, it really helped me with understanding nourishment better.

Because I had drilled it in my head that I can cheat with French Fries once a week, I had to trade EVERYTHING ELSE. Which also included chips.

If you know me, you'd know chips are my highest rated vice. My umbrella term included chips and fries as one, except, my calorie count for the day restricted chips since they constituted for a lot more calories and less satisfaction.

Which leads me to two additional points-

4) You need to go on a calorie deficit diet if weight goal or losing inch is your goal. There's a whole lot of literature available on the internet, including how to calculate how much calories you need in a day to be on a deficit, using your body weight and height. There's also a lot of literature on the science behind it. I wouldn't recommend any because I want you to do your research and read enough to know the logic behind it first.

However, be wary of measurements and actually counting calories.

I can clearly help you in understanding that unless you invest in a kitchen food measuring weighing scale, your calorie counting would be at far worst. You'd be speculating since nutrients in an uncooked cabbage are very different than nutrients in a patta gobhi ki sabji (cabbage stir fry- Indian style). You need to understand a bit of cooking, a wee bit of counting calories, and have an app handy on you to mark your calories. My Fitness Pal is a great app to begin counting calories. You'll feel guilty each day as you log in your report and eventually be cured of reducing your eight small meals (real stupidity) in two or three big ones to satisfy yourself.

5) Packed chips and most things packed by the manufacturers come bearing a lot of calories which are nothing but empty and do not provide nourishment or energy or sustenance. They're all about taste. Think of a ridiculously hot man who can't spell and is a xenophobe.

That's your pack of chips. Empty inside.

Yet, 60 gms of that amounts to over 400 calories.

On my diet, I was on a 1200 calorie a day. The BMI calculation allowed me 1400 to lose weight but because I was leading a completely sedantary lifestyle, I ended up reducing 200 further.

Realistically speaking, most of our cooked Indian food messes the logged in calorie value on these apps so I'd say, keeping a buffer of 200 less than what your BMI calculator and calorie deficit score suggests but I'd also recommend speaking to a nutritionist before you do that. Please consult your doctor or a stable/responsible adult before doing any of this.

Which brings me to the next point-

6) There are plenty of diet fads on the internet, don't fall for them blindly. Read all about them before you step on the accelerator. On Keto, you can't fuck around with alcohol. You can lead to bone trouble (osteoporosis and the likes) if you stop consuming good fats in the forms such as butter, ghee and other dairy products. Basically, every diet, fad comes with a problem. Read up, research. Pick what works for you.

But before you jump on it, let me ask you a question. Why diet? Why do you want to do this?

7) I wanted to diet because I was doing zero to no physical activity. There was a time, I would go to office, eat a whole lot of crap and come back, only to eat more. I'd stress some more and stuff a pack of chips, some bites of namkeen and biscuits (and for the record I hate biscuits) and then dinner. I was eating and stressing on repeat.

I needed to not only lose weight but control my mind against all that there was on offer and all that I was so madly obsessed with.

Since I got to doing this, I feel like I have been writing better, focusing on my work sharper than ever and definitely more mindful of my surrounding, including what I eat and how much of it do I need. it.

8) Portion Control is magical, try that. I used to be obsessed with breads of all kinds. Roti, Naan, White, Sourdough...you name it and I would want to eat it. Controling that really helped. While I had friends who told me to quit it completely, I couldn't because I wasn't quite fond of picking my vegetables without the comforting blanket of chapati and I needed some carb shaped happiness in my life.

My balance of Carbs and Protein was 40-60 where I would eat bread for one meal along with vegetables and the other two meals would be light and easy. Thereby, eliminating bread from two meals and replacing with things that could be potentially made better.

If you like snacking like I do, try things made with besan (chickpea flour). I consumed Besan Ka Chila (chickpea flour savoury pancakes) for dinner on the occasion when I did not want to eat Protein alone. While this allowed me some variation, my craving for breaking a bite like I would do with a chapati was eased as well. I was mentally and physically quite satisfied with the replacement.
Dhokla (made at home), Upma, Poha are all healthy alternatives to breakfast ideas. Since I prefer eating an egg-y dinner, I make sure I do my snacks first thing in the morning so as to eliminate any feeling about buying a pack of murukku and polishing it off.

Snacking also means forgoing your choice of snacks and eating something different.

I had to replace wads of salamis with carrots and cucumber, paneer. Six months in, I'm slightly better and barring that trip to Thailand, I think I have only had salamis twice. This, from a person, who would eat cold cuts as passing snack every fucking day.

To the next one,

9) Cut yourself some slack. It's okay if you do end up cheating or find it hard to take so much in. Take baby steps. Make things simple. Read, as much as you can, on nutrition, on food and on all that you like. Chances are, the more you read, the more disheartened you will be about your favourite snack or food.

It's a great guilty trip to read about Papdi having close to 600 calories to a plate minus the condiments including yogurt, chutneys and the additives like sev etc.

I am allowed 1200 calories a day so if I were to eat a plate of that, I'm only left with 600 calories. Reading that used to terrify me and I'd never look in the direction of Papdi, ever again.

10) Don't rush into things. All good things take time. In the beginning, I started to run and eat salads. Both of them were terrible ideas since my physical level was sedentary and salads were not cutting for me. Today, my idea of a salad consists of a plate of chicken tikka with lots of yogurt chutney and my exercise would be 10 minute dance video and that's probably healthier than the hell hole I was putting myself into everytime I tried to eat clean. Make your own rules, find your middle ground.

If you really want to do this and can afford, chicken/paneer tikka will be your best friend. Make some at home, there's a lot of recipes online and most of them are extremely simple. These are two things that you can eat out while you're on cleanse, cook at home or order in. If you're out on a dinner with friends, family or anyone, these are diet friendly and tasty.

If you don't like tikkas then find an alternative that works for you, is high on protein and edible quotient. You'll find diet getting easy.

11) Workout when you think you've controlled your eating habit. Because I was doing something entirely correctional and changing my lifestyle, I was told by Mia K that I need to work on it first before jumping into working out. It could take anywhere from 6-18 months where I have to break habits of a lifetime and get better than ever. Fitter, mentally and physically to control any and all temptations.

Working out prematurely would mean going back and eating crap. You'd justify in your head, "I worked out today, I deserve an ice cream."

Sure you do, except it doesn't stop there. While you end up complaining about sore legs and a terrible leg day, you will take the liberty of eating crap the next day and not working out for a full three day schedule. You not only fall back on result but also end up exhausting your body, confusing it and retaining water weight.

Don't do anything stupid. Give it time. Give your diet time.

12) Don't expect results for a minimum of six months. I'm addressing this for the first time now, six months in since I can feel it now. You'll feel dejected when you check your weight and inches and nothing would show initially. Give yourself time till a year to implement these.
Just as how you didn't gain your weight and inches in a month, it won't go in a week or a month. Remember, the slower you shed the higher your retaining rate of weight loss will be.

14) Hydrate yourself plenty. Hunger rises from being thirsty. I highly recommend indulging in fucking water, as much as possible. 3-4 litres a day if you can and have a washroom to your disposal. I have been told hot water does wonders but I find it hard to drink so I'm still trying to get used to it. The more you hydrate, the less scope for snacking or being hungry there will be. Make it a point to drink water each time you stare in your phone screen, that's easy to do.

15) Intermittent Fast is your best friend. Look, it's mine at at least. I learnt from a friend that 8/16 is a thing but before I get all technical, let me explain in short what this does. It makes you sleep better at night if you eat four hours prior to bed, at the very least. No taking a bite or tasting after. You basically give yourself a window of 8-10 hours in a day to eat and eat only within that time, keeping in mind your calorie deficit count. The other 16-14 hours remaining you stay hungry, you sleep and rest. You be chill, minus any food.

My get togethers involve me having dinner before and joining my friends with a glass of water. I try and not eat beyond 7-7:3o pm and start my day with breakfast at around 10 am. It's not perfect 8/16 but that's the best I can pull. Your body will have time to digest food and you will give yourself the window to burn fat when you're not eating.

13) Lastly, focus on your goal. My goal is very different than yours. I wanted to change my lifestyle, eating habits and lose weight. I also wanted to be flexible in bed, more than ever. I wanted to lose inch and fat. I also wanted to be healthy and happy. It took a while to get here but I'm more than pepped now. Charged to drop some more, even if it means I choke to death while working out in the polluted af city I live in.

You'd be pleased to know, I have tried and I'm still trying and I'm getting there. Slowly.

I could tell you on why sugar is a terrible idea, on why I'm divided on fruits being bad for you, but I'd rather have you take the first step to making sure you're completely into this idea. If that switch is turned on in your head, now's a good time to do this. If not, come back another day. This may appeal to you someday.

A little over three weeks since I drank alcohol.

52 days since I smoked a doob.

33 whole days since I went on a first date.

Gained a kilo since after losing eight (and probably more as I type).

Was able to clock in on non-stop high intensity workout for 20 minutes.

Commissioned 31 photo-shoots in remote parts of the country, scheduled to be completed this month.

Consumed no McDonald's.

0 weddings attended all of this month, when my entire social media list was basically living from Mehendi to Reception.

Finished two books and one TV series (first season) in a fortnight.

Missed a handful of people I love and miss, every single day.

Ate 1.5 pack of chips. Took a dump in the office washroom when we had two rolls of toilet paper.

Couple of years ago, I got into a whim of getting a line tattooed on my body. It seemed harmlessly personal, insofar as the longevity of the design/idea was concerned.

I truly thought that I'd live by the words and in good faith, they'd live back with me. I can't quite pin the circumstances that lead to this whimsical thought but it had something to do with a bit of a mix, personal upheavle with some manchild and professional inability to sustain a job.

Those were the days when I'd fail no job interview and kick all jobs in a fortnight. The days prior to getting the wretched research degree which makes everyone question, "Sorry, you're overqualified (On paper, bitch). Why do you want this job again?"

x

Where were we? Skin.

I suppose what prevented that tattoo was costing. An odd similarity I share with my workplace (where I've been at for close to a year now). All life decisions boil down to whether or not it's "worth" the money. I used to think my parents are strange for drilling that idea in me, and probably because their parents were strange for drilling that idea in their head.

It took me one year at a massive Art and Design firm in the country to realize, it's all our parents and probably a very Punjabi thing in practice. "Is it worth it to skip office and stay at home for your mental health?", "Is it worth it to pay INR 23000 for an image when you can send someone from your organization with a camera, who's on a monthly pay roll of INR 20000. Imagine the number of images he can click while making the sale pitch at the bookstore?". Everything is always equated in contrast with a commodity, service or even a situation which will be created, just to be able to satisfy your question, "Can I?", "May I?", "Shall I?"

The answer is always no.

x

There's this urge to get a tattoo again. This time, I'm clear I want no text, and probably hold that for life. While I love words and only ever know what to do with them, I wouldn't want to get that on my body. I used to be very blasé about the tattoo idea/design and would want to go with the first instinct but never reached that far (which monetary factor prevented- a thing I can be thankful to my parents and work place for). On the other hand, I was extremely protective of how my skin is, whether it has marks or lines or wounds or vestiges of scars so deep, which I no longer am.

I recently read something which boiled down to the idea of why would you want to take the same body back to Earth after you die? Wouldn't you rather show it the years it's lived with their marks, their signs and their strokes? You should, if you didn't already. Stop with the facials and the creams and fussing. It's great to get down and dirty and wounded and carry them proudly because they're all yours to claim. Every inch is yours to proudly own and customize, so to say.

That thing hit home. I knew two things instantly-

1) My body physically no longer belonged in the set up of "it has to be the same, au naturel, no marks, wounds or tan". Since then, my body is multiple shades of Sun, crow feet, faded and smudged tattoo and many, many wounds deep. I wear it all proudly, hoping to take the most last updated version to the grave whenever the day comes.

2) I no longer wanted words on my body.

I live words. I breathe them. I know them inside out. Do I want a blue print on my body or do I want them to go with them? The latter, cause I can't discriminate. I want every word I know on my body, I want every inch to be covered in statements I stand for. Can I physically get it tattooed and trivialize them? Probably not.

When today, another one of the groundbreaking things went down, the line played in my head. I knew why that tattoo wasn't meant to go on my skin.

It's been a year of minor falls and I'd rather wait to live them than to take them skin deep with me to my death bed. Maybe, it's a life time of minor falls and major lifts are only in comparison, a contrasting value to how minor the incident is. Yet, it's not worth it to mark the skin with words. Not on me. Not for me.

I'm a big birthday baby. Which is to say that I am shamelessly obsessed with birthdays and ridiculously fuss about my own day. The kind of effort and nonsense people do for their weddings, I try and make the same about my birthday every fucking year.

Things were okay till when I was in school. It was almost a pardonable offence. In college, fewer people gave fucks about my nonsense but the fucks given were quality material. The friends I made catered to my whims and fancies and one time threw a fantastic surprise party. In short, they were onboard with my crap.

College to college, I've had a range of parties, crazy house parties, lame house party, sober house party, pizza party, no-party, drink wine and cry about braces party...you get the drift. In some odd, twisted way, the party I have had set the tone for the year to proceed.

So, pardon my superstition but last year, I had the best party. All my close friends brought my birthday in together. I had cake from my favourite place, I looked like a million bucks (complete with nude stilletoes) and the works. It was understated, chic and annoying- very carefully crafted version of me in a night. I would like to believe we all had fun.

Now that I'm under a fortnight away, I'm truly in a fix. While I don't want to do nothing on my birthday this year, I also don't want this superstition to overtake my happiness. As it is, the work is not quite working out, people are losing it by the minute. I've switched my head off to the point that I curled up and lay in my bed for over two hours without exchanging as much a word or thought. Eyes opened and stared at the ceiling, just to come to terms with how work is progressing and what is my next plan.

I hate not being in control but in the last two years, all that I've been able to do is when I'm not in control. While, I don't know where I'm headed or how long can I take shit from people at work, I don't want to know the answers to the questions. Each time I come close to solving my problems, they only seem to aggravate.

It really feels like a rant tonight. Not the way to set the tone to my birthday month.

Here we are, here is what's up.

My will to live has depleted to a point that I had no lists to handout to my parents when they left for vacation. I'm usually a person who has lists made on hourly basis for things to do-buy-see-eat. I'm quite fucking dead inside and if there's one thing I can blame, it's my job.

The exhaustion/tipping point is near and unfortunately colliding with my birthday. It's been a year of learning, hustling and getting my hands dirty with things I've never done before. This year marked a period of learning to shut my mind, not speaking my heart and definitely not using my emotions. All I've done is to use my brain, pick skills- from negotiation to arriving at the first step of diplomacy. While it's a long road home, chances are, I'll snap, break and combust at the first poke now. I've had my share of shit from everyone. One year worth of frustration is pouring out. As much as I gave myself two years, the people I work with have truly left no stone unturned to press all the wrong buttons inside of my head, together. It's like trying to defuse a time bomb but instead, you set it on.

I see a period of 60 days but then I also see my sanity not lasting that journey. One of these days, I'm going to be poor again and will have no fucks to give until I put myself into something which pays me nothing and drives me to an extent where I take this bullying and sadistic orders from a moron in exchange of pittance.

I've been told at 25, this is real life.



Somehow, I have sympathy for people who publically put things like "I don't work, I'm daddy's princess." Atleast they know very well what they want, as opposed to people like me who continue with this because we truly don't know what's working and what's not.

A friend tried explaining me that how a job is an okay transaction since in exchange of abuse, they pay me money. I thought so much and thought hard but in my head, there's a paradise, a just world where things are not inherently bad and people are kind. That idea prevents me from taking the abuse seriously on daily basis. That, there, is my downfall.

I'll take the next ten days to be ever so grateful for the year I've had. Am I looking forward to the next 365 after that? Hell no. Not one bit. Am I looking forward to my birthday, fuck yes. Somethings shouldn't have to change. Birthdays being the reason of happiness, is on the top.

In no specific list of want/need, here is my list of crap that I desire to be gifted (if you're planning to buy me something for my Twenty Sexth) -

1) Personalized sticky notes and letter heads - Complete with the title on the top "From the desk of *insert Aadhar card name*. Contact me for design ideas.

Location - Can be done at Nehru Place.

2) Adidas Stan Smith - Been a while since I invested in footwear and what better than these nummy ones which can be teamed with a dress and jeans alike. I wear a size 8. Prefer yellow colour but green will also do.

Location - Multiple (including Adidas' website, go lookitup).

3) Neon Glow Sign Board - I have been trying to get this done for two years now, never managed a day out to execute this. There's a quote I'd like and a colour I'd follow. It'd be great if a bunch could get together, put their resources and get this done!