Is it too late to now say I quit?

Friday, August 11, 2017

I have got egg yolk remains stuck in my nail bed from last night's dinner (fried egg), so I suppose, this will keep the post short. It also calls for washing hands, but let's be real, my office smells like turd factory and despite loading on soap + shampoo + loofah + handwash + shower, it hasn't been helpful.

Washing hands means getting up from the chair and looking at my face in the mirror. Absolutely not looking forward to that since I may jinx the beauty that I am.

Besides keeping my nails dirty, I'm trying to spice my life as well. Other than downloading Tinder, I haven't washed my hair since Tuesday and I really am avoiding looking in the mirror at this point. What if it cracks? I can't afford to replace the only functional washroom in my life. This bad hair thing has become a trend. At the blog party, the best compliment I may have received sounded something like this,

"Are you going to put on some makeup and fix your hair? It looks like you used your hair to sweep the entire terrace?"

Haven't had an opportunity to look anything different, since.

What's been up? Besides storing food in my nail bed (for reasons such as starvation or hoarding of grains), I've managed to store food in my muscles (wait, is that fat?) or somewhere only I know (I'm sorry). Yeah, so the whole cleanse thing has been a bit of a fail since I tried a cocktail of things. Only eating fat-free greens, only eating proteins, eating under 1000 calories a day, eating chole bhature...the works. Spoiler alert- some of that worked. However, what I do have sorted is the idea that I like certain food groups a lot more than ever, for example, bring me poha and I'll show you my breakfast. This from a person whose standard breakfast used to be French Toast and cheese everyfuckingday.

What started as a "Haha, let's do this eating clean thing" turned into, "I've had a total of 1000 calories in two days", now going into "I NEED MOMOS" on a fucking Tuesday- all been absolutely dangerous to my cleanse. Thankfully, today it ended in Dal Makhni and Roti and lot of other carbs but this ten-minute minute piece on clean food, isn't exactly hard to do, or for that matter write about. I mean, I never thought I'd hit a day when dal-roti for dinner would qualify as a fucking cheat meal. However, here we are. Some kilos and inches lost and looking forward to more. Yet, it doesn't mean I could shake the demotivation off. If I blogged about fussing over academia for ten years, it's hopefully going to be fussing over myself for the next ten. I recall going from not having any fucks to give for my grades and school to actually bursting out in hives over my grades. Surely, the transition was maddening but I am looking out for something similar here. Or not. I'm not sure. Although, I do truly care about vanity so it probably will be.

I really fucking need to lose ten pounds like Regina George and also on a lookout for someone to tell me if butter's a carb. Man Friday tells me peanut butter on bread should be a meal but are those carbs or what? (Spoiler alert- those are carbs and fats and I recently read peanut butter is unhealthy cause it's filled with palm oil so feel free to ask me for my bottle.)

I came across a Summer post from 2013 on the blog today. It talked about becoming a domestic goddess, putting on weight, working out, not losing any, eating and cooking endlessly, and complaints about being single. That post literally sounded like everything 2017 has been this Summer. Including the same workplace where I interned back in the day. As of today, I have a day job there and well, let's just say I'm hitting the tipping point. Mama needs a paid vacation for a year. Or maybe, it's the air conditioning in my room which isn't working.

As far as I remember 2013 was also the year where I ate 1000 calories a day, much like I am trying now. Although, I do believe I am doing way better at the moment. I remember guising fries clocking at 700 calories and surviving the rest of the day on sprout salad and boiled eggs.

Anyhow, I'll cut myself some slack. I ate a little over 1000 calories today, all inclusive of carbs and fat and it hasn't done much of a difference in so far as that meal acting as uppers.

Then ofcourse there are days like today when you're so stressed that the idea of carbs itself is comforting, you don't need to go out there and consume them. Binge writing- just like binge eating- is for days when your employer won't stop screaming, the freelancers continue to disappoint and the service providers are a big let down. When you want to should a loud fucking, "FUCK YOU ALL MORONS." into the universe but all that you end up doing is slapping the keyboard in a haphazard fashion and bore people with the details of your calorie deficit, nutrient-heavy diet.

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