A colleague at work quit his job the same day I broke up with my (now) ex. 

It went something like this— my ex and I had the break up conversation while I was on my way to work. My colleague called me shortly after I had reached office. 

I was sitting numb, nauseated and wondering if I should get to checking numbers for the week or go to the washroom and attempt to cry. Instead, I took his call. He started screaming; he was complaining about the person seated in front of me, and told me they're the reason he wants to put in his papers. I am not particularly fond of the person, but in that moment, I was barely able to comprehend anything that he was saying. 

After 15 minutes of his monologue, he told me he has a job interview and if I could help him prepare. Two questions in, I realised I had to hit the washroom. 

"I just broke up. You're the first person to know. I am feeling sick. Can we talk in a bit? I'm really sorry I'm just not okay." 

I felt guilty as hell; I remember my outfit. I remember what he texted me after. He was the first person in my life to know. 

I think it sank when he was talking to me how much he loathes the person who was seated in front of me. 

This colleague and I worked together closely for a year. We had nothing in common, we have nothing in common. He was always a call away to help me and I'd like to think I was always bothering him asking him for one too many things. 

Shortly after my break up, the project I was assigned to do with him changed and I was no longer an associate there. I was told both our replacements were extremely thrilled. His resignation had gone through and my break up was well underway. 

Coming Monday marks his last working day. 

Through the first month of his notice, he had reached out asking if he should rescind. "Don't even think about it." They had extended his notice and had refused to accept his resignation. My break-up was instant. Atleast, I think so. I don't think he (aka my ex) would agree. 

He (my colleague) was asked to extend this notice, it's been over three months since he first dropped that he's leaving and now five months in, he's almost out. 

Kinda like my break up. 

On most days, I know it's gone through and I'm single. I tell confidently, and I believe every word when I say the closure was helpful. 

And then I come home and have an ugly cry. I think of all the times last year I had both these people in my life and I could just count on them to be there, to root for me on my bad days and support me through low points. 

Today was one such day, I was reminded this colleague is on his way out. I was reminded it's been over three months since we discussed break up. 

I wish I could rescind the grief, that I'm so tired of holding out and waiting for my ex to come and hold along with me. I wish it wasn't me crying in bed but moving on, like my colleague did. I wish I was brave to see through endings when I know I'm done. 

Instead, I'll wallow. Another night of despair, another year into this job, another failure. 

I think I finally understood what my friend meant when she said break NC. She saw how much he meant to me and felt I deserved to have people who root for me in my corner. 

It's okay, I guess, to have them in my memory alone.