It's been a perfect day. Perfect because it started with a call from you. 

No, really. I didn't pay attention to the fact that I got rejected by two Uber drivers while on that call. I didn't even pay my Uber driver, and when I reached my desk, I realized that I owed him INR 576.44 for a ride Uber promised me for INR 424. Did I file a claim? You bet. This is even before I realised I hadn't paid him. Then I proceeded to panic and feel bad in equal measure that I hadn't paid him and he deserved his due for driving me when everyone else rejected the ride

I tried so hard (and got so far?) to get to the driver and despite leaving multiple helpless messages to faceless help chatbox, I got a call from the driver himself. Aisa hota hai ma'am, koi baat nahi. 

On my way out, I was rejected by two drivers again but the weather made me forget that it's okay to be denied a ride just when you're about to enter the cab. Cash payment nahi hai toh ride nahi hogi. 

Fucker. 

I walked over 5k, when all I wanted to do was nap. I changed my bedside table contents, I added a gorgeous tray and an open perfume— fuck, am I that ballsy/confident/rich? Or am I just bored? Perhaps, I'm bored. I switched the side where I sleep on. I am now fervently in the middle of a king bed alone. Living like a king. Not really, I've been living out of bags, two broken cartons, all old packaging. I repainted the room with the same colour. 0 risk, all reward; just like you reader no. 0. 

I love the fact that you go as far back as my memory allows. First annual day in school, our first Christmas lunch; you are the reason I broke NC with my latest ex and you'll always be the person I'll praise in therapy. 

Even when I've had horrible sessions when I've cried my eyes out and opened about my family (only took 5 years and a massive family announcement), I've praised you. "That's the only relationship which gives me hope at present."

My college friend disagrees. She thinks I'll never be able to purge my favourite ex; that he's a permanent fixture in my life. She hasn't met you, she'd change her stance if she did. He texted me ten mins ago; checking in. I wish my latest ex would do that lolololol. But, instead, you tell me to text him. You tell me to keep my ego aside, and let my love flow. I try. 

I am aiming to be forgiving this year. I've tried gratitude and I've tried kindness but forgiveness is a ,lost cause. I enjoyed trying empathy but not for me. Makes me too weak. I fought for a disabled couple at a cinema hall recently. I felt I'd write a whole thought-feature and request an editor to publish. But, like a lot of other things, reconciliation, forgiveness and writing are not coming to me. 

You're the only person who's consistently asked me when am I updating this page. Truth be told, there were days. All these days that I wanted to, but changing your routine and life by 180, and then finding any pocket of time to write is criminally hard. I'd rather crush the NRC app with personal goals (my cadence is decent but my pace stinks). 

Covid is back. Everything returned except him. It's so funny, I'm doing the exact thing I swore to myself I'd never do— befriend him— but forgiveness, that evades me. Not that he needs forgiveness. But, I do need a space to compartmentalize all the care and the love I have for him. I don't know where to take it. He doesn't need it and I can't burden him with it. I miss him, but I don't need him in my routine now. I spoke about it to my other pal- you know her. I told her between an uphill climb, I used to miss our routine but now I just love him and miss him from a distance. I don't know how to get rid of that but I'm trying to settle those emotions and trade them for sweat in 36 degrees that feel like 45 degrees in May. Humid, sweaty, but perfect. 

Like today; in 2007 when I wrote my first blog post here in May, you were the first person I informed. 

Nothing has changed. Except you got married and we're watching our siblings go down a road at the same time, once again. I'm still writing and you're still reading. You're still here. 

Perfect day. Couldn't be better and couldn't ask for more on a day when I'm in my ovulation cycle, the Sun is out till 7 pm and I'm glad I can move around.