Identity and Non Contradiction

Thursday, June 07, 2012

It's a little academic in nature, the title ie. It's got all reasons to be. For, the undergraduate course has come to an end and how. Three years seems like three split seconds. You could compact the moments filled with pain and anxiety before exams, excitement in the toes before hitting the stage in the back-wings and just making way for Dance Soc people to rush back. Spotlight. Smile. Plug. Play. Plug. Run. Time for Dram Soc to take over.

It's a little hard to imagine the course of life without running from room 24 to room 61 back and forth and simultaneously answering calls asking, 'lunch at big chill?', 'oye, rehearsal at 3 today. Staff ads are coming.', 'Can you give me your assignment on Zeno?'. Fuck, this is never going to happen again. We are never going to chill at backlawns (uniquely LSR) with food packed from Sachneet(always two plates of momos and two chicken chowmien), sipping lemonade and reading books. The carelessness mixed with the company is all over. There is a big void, sunya, the feeling of all being lost.

When I was in school and used to go through people's college pictures (call me a stalker, I insist), I could never understand the feeling of attachment towards subtle objects like benches or tables or even something as trivial as pictures outside the auditorium or admin-gazebo. For most part of my college life, I was way too occupied to ever sit back and think of these things. Today, when I am back home after 13 hours of non-stop partying post my last exam, this thing's finally hit me. There is going to be no more humid lectures, no discussion on philosis and simply no pictures outside gazebo. This is all over.

Oh my god.

I'm a graduate.

I was going through this senior's profile picture (hey, that display picture was groovy!) and was just wondering the perception I had about her. I was a first year and she wasn't exactly what I'd call a friend, however, she was patient and just about moderately friendly. One of those little things about LSR that I despised was this attitude, they would not be your chums there but just about friendly enough to get work extracted. Now, that I look back, I find myself like a dumb first year (most of my juniors remind me of me, what a shame). Anyhow, her pictures included lots of college shots and just generally her love etc. Three years of college life flashed in front of my eyes in just one picture. And I felt that someone had snapped that connection- the feeling of belongingness in just about something as trivial as punching my id-card and giving me my marksheets back. The whole idea of repeated hoo-haa, college's over and shit- it's actually come to an end. There is no more terms/rehearsals/shows/procrastination about classes to look about. I am not going to bump into Blahla and yell her name out. I am not going to shout, 'Marry me KP!' in the auditorium because there will be no me or KP there. New meat's out there- picking their admission form, looking longingly at cafe cats and wondering if they'd be able to pet them. New tongues will lick the unwashed utensils at much overpriced cafe that every first year loves (I refused to eat lunch at home for a year because i was amazed with the cafe concept. My school didn't have a canteen to begin with). There will be no bunch of philosophy students, wasting last five minutes of assembly borrowing lighter from any math student and lighting cigarettes for one another. There won't be bunks of any sort or proxies. Or, bbm pings saying, 'don't let her lock the door. I'm at the gate.'

I suppose it'll also be an end of an era, where we used to celebrate our free lectures by having sev-puri some minutes before an assignment and quickly lighting up Marlboro- only to be shared between 5 people and using up a bottle of body mist/sanitizer between classes to just 'freshen up' before date/meeting that friend/cousin/sundry. Of course, people will continue to smoke and meet their boyfriends under the alias of their cousin. All I am saying is, there won't be 'us' doing 'that'. Our time's gone. It's over. It's like death of beautiful- life (Maya).The bell that rang today at 12 noon was symbolic of this end. It's never, ever going to bring us back and put us in the same room, rubbing our noses with extra sheet, trying to fit in points on verbal testimony. It's a lot like previous existence according to Vedantin concept (some things have been embedded in my head from a lot of bull-shit I wrote/read during the preparatory leave yesterday).

A couple of people hugged me, I hugged and wished quite a few of them today, after exam, after our lunch, after our karaoke- all saying promises of never losing touch, never getting off BBM and missing me. I don't know how far will it be true- some will get married (P!), some will move to doing masters and some will work- rest may chill or just be ignorant of the fact that we were someone/once had something to do together.

At the karaoke few hours ago, some random drunk ass gyrating guy started doing 'Summer of '69'. As frustrated as I was (now, I need to understand that they won't play what I like but will instead insist on playing Adele, Linkin Park, Enrique Iglesias and Blue), I couldn't help myself but focus on the lyrics. It's such a fucking sad song. It's all about reminiscences- of that guitar, band and blah blah. Essentially, it's about remembering those times when you were carefree and experienced a rush, by something lame you or your friends attempted to do. That. That won't ever happen again. Period. Even though, I'm listening to Billy Boy by Davis, still there is a little part of me wanting to hear a recording of all of us doing lame farewell songs that we did as a group on the occasion of farewell of a teacher.

Karaoke was crazy. We did 'our' song- as a class, from 23 to 6 of us who went. I don't think anyone really cared for the track but for us, it was home-coming.

That last hug and last picture clicking before departing from the bar was where it stung me. It's over for good. There is no class/ or the representative. I can't ever meet these people the way we met in these years. It all got too comfortable for all of us. We loved and breathed in each other's joys and sorrows.

It's a hard moment I suppose when you just look at a picture and your mind shuts off and emits the signals that say, 'it's all over'. There won't be another tomorrow in college. It'll be elsewhere.

And, for those of you who are curious enough, this is our 'class' karaoke song'. I think, each of us, where-ever we are in life, will always think of each other when we listen to this playing.

I will miss you.

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  1. I had KP's comment in mind when I was reading this... and as I started off reading, the thing that I first thought I'd write back was that sunya isn't void, it's relativity and dependent existence. But by the end of it, it didn't matter. I too had tears streaming down my face. Man I'm gonna miss all this!
    The lump in my throat and the teary sniffs are just reminding me about how glad and grateful I am that I chose to go to college (rather than insisting on my mad plans, which I hope to pursue now) and more so that it was LSR and mostly because of the eccentric classmates of mine! I'm so happy that I can say after these 3 years I have known 22 amazing people who weren't just my classmates but friends, each one.
    As for you my wittle wabbit, you'll always be my google! I knew that in these past 3 years I could afford to be spaced out and be the carefree dreamer that I am because I had you who'd always be there to tell me how many questions to do (though I still manage to get that wrong sometimes) what's happening, where, when and what I needed to do about it. In the end all I'd like to say to you is : I'm hungry, because it's not the end and not the time for last words. True college is over, I'll cherish the memories and always miss the crazy antics of Philosis but as for you in particular I will not let you out of my grasp until we get you a boy, and once we do, then we'll start looking for the next one and so until we find the guy(?) to get you married to and till you have kids (shotgun on naming rights!) and then we'll continue being friends till we can complain of losing bladder control etc. (old age reference, just btw)....what I mean is basically forever...well until one of us dies.
    I love you Wabbit <3 <3 <3


  2. Sunya in this context seems just like what I've implied here. We are thinking of a void however it would actually be dependent existence of the memories. (correct me if I am wrong) wasn't this the same position as what Nagarjuna refuted for Sunyata to be?

    I hope all your mad plans work in your favour and that each of them brings to you more madness than Nietzsche and Schopenhauer's combined, ie to say hope you carve a niche for your madness :D.

    And, no, being wing woman is fine, let's forever be the sex and the city girls and not put babies in the picture. If at all the condom bursts or one if off the pill then sure you can name my kids.

    And, I love you, more.

    ie, I'm willing to make a heart here. <3

    Google wabbit


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