Prose before hos

I am also at peace and rest because I'm glad I'm seeing the year on it's way out without any resentment in my heart for the men I've dated this year. I have come close to dealing with bullshit but nipping it in the bud each time was remarkably helpful. I think there's a lot to learn here, especially in perseverance. I may not be anywhere close to finding the one or just anyone but I have met fantastic men this year who tried their best to set a remarkable example to pick from. Sure, not all of them but the few who did should be equally acknowledged. I've also possibly seen the most unhinged version of myself yet so I guess we've hit a real balance between the gents who indulged me in my tomfoolery and then those who were there for me through it. 

I want to say I have hope for 2024 to be a bigger, badder, meaner version of all the peace and patience I got out of 2023 but who am I kidding, I can't get lucky every year. Or, can I?

 Choose your fighter

No writing for a whole month versus squeezing writing between shaving cooch, showering, baking, getting ready, and paying a credit card bill because wow I had an epiphany that writing can cure my yearning

Ghosting every single man cause he's not him versus putting all eggs in the basket for a man who's so emotionally (and physically) unavailable that my ADHD friend has now remembered him for 4 whole days

Attending all occasions in life make-up-free and avoiding putting a single thing on the face versus having a whole eye-shadow routine that makes you second guess if you're now a woman-possessed

Falling for every damn writer—ugly or otherwise—at the drop of the hat vs cringing on a date with a writer when he's seemingly on the same page as you

Not questioning a damn thing when the man in front of you love-bombed the hell out of you versus screaming, crying, throwing up cause someone you went out with that the better sense of taking things slow (so slow that it is fading out so what's even the point)

Putting in an aggressive workout versus eating deep-fried bread rolls for dinner the same day

Taking 10 days off from work to repair your relationship with yourself versus not staying home for a minute, not rotting in bed but just travelling and prancing around the city

Sporting a heavy bush versus cutting yourself trying to shave aggressively

Going out with the hope of meeting a cute guy and falling in love eventually versus getting upset at the end of a date cause we didn't bone and nothing of the sort suggested we're down that road soon enough

One man off the street is worth 15 from an app;

I believe you're cautious and not avoidant, I don't like when you call yourself that; 

I have no intention of meeting the men again;

Why am I being accosted by men who met me a lifetime and three personalities ago? It's cute to be vulnerable but heartbreaking when you've written them off and they attempt to look back. No, stay gone. You sang to me, held my hand and showed me off, but you didn't do enough. Okay fine, you also showed up again when I needed you and when I was down in the dumps but also, was that enough? You were doing things for yourself and now it's my turn to stay gone because I'm choosing to be with me. Perhaps in an alternate universe, you'd have a 13-year-old daughter and some feelings for me and I'd be the one who loses you because I don't want to go down that road. 

I came full circle in Gurgaon a few days ago when I was taken to the same party spot where it started from. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, I wouldn't. Instead, I would just hug myself and tell her to be strong and do it. Sometimes you need to live through the heartbreak to see yourself look like the best version of yourself.

I want to be worshipped, and adored, and admired and if you can't step up then goodbye. 

I'm sorry, I didn't respond to your photo in bed and then another one. Instead, I went back to touching up my make-up and thinking about the pasta I'd eat for dinner. I am sorry that I didn't particularly flirt back when you came out of woodworks months later, when you promised to make things work with me and move to be with me. You did no such thing and yet, had no courtesy to apologise for painting a picture. I had men who paint with words. 'Label them, name them,' my friend said earlier on the call today. You need to spell things out and call them out on it, you don't have to live with it in your heart. He is after all a mid low-life, bore and you are a goddamn star. 

Yeah, it's okay to put down people. They get what they deserve. 

Perhaps next year, I'll make fresh, new mistakes. I'll do new quarterly personality shifts and consider climbing ambitious ladders over climbing on men and demanding equal rights in raising my unborn children with them. Honestly, what the fuck was that temporary baby fever? I don't understand. I keep revisiting the time when I was a woman possessed wondering if I'd be single in a few weeks or be prepping to have a man's baby and it puts the fear of god in me because was I willing to trade my precious life in exchange of what I believed was a safe space when it wasn't looking out for me. 

Maybe, it's us. We give people enough chances to prove us wrong, for people to be unavailable so we can fully fawn over them when all we want is a good reset. Instead of just asking for the same, we go for a man, an excuse to let us down so we can turn things around. Every time I have made a breakthrough professionally, it has been followed by something tremendously soul-crushing in my personal life. Maybe, at this point I just know, when I need a change in scenery, I need to look for an excuse to get my heart crushed and achieve another goal.