Monday, April 15, 2024

You know when you feel the blues in all corners of your life, you have to pause and ask yourself, is it denim-tinted glasses, or are people farting indigo? 

I've been feeling the blues lately. Work, relationship, family, friends— I can't pick up a single area and be like—you know what, this is great and perfect and fine, while the remaining lot, you suck. 

Naturally, it's pouring out from all corners and collecting like sewage in the wrong buckets. I'm told I'm mean to the boy for no reason (there are 99, he heard), I'm told I'm not accepting feedback at work (why should I, when they drove me to act out), friends think I should sleep and not cry (fuck right off), and family thinks I should take unsolicited opinions on my life seriously (lmao, we didn't have expectations here). 

Safe to say, everyone's heard an earful and got it back. Will this come back to haunt me at a time when I don't want to? Yeah. Will I learn from it and shut up for the foreseeable future? Maybe, who knows. 

In my 16-17 years of writing here on this page, I've shown downward growth toward my commitment to myself and if that doesn't prove I'm not looking out for myself, nothing ever will. This is why I allow people to walk all over me, this is why I allow the man I'm dating to take me for granted and prioritise YouTube over me (just when I thought I snagged a good one, the ex returned). This is why I still attempt to talk to my folks when in reality the disjointed bits are only driving the wedge between us. 

With all the woo-woo astrology shit that's going on (eclipse, retrograde, Chiron...the works), everyone told me to look out for exes. Of course, my dumbass thought that meant actual physical beings (who suck) but instead, that meant old wounds and situations. Of employer ill-treating me, passing personal remarks and driving me to an extent where I act out, of a man putting a fucking video sharing platform over us and being casually determined to prove it didn't mean anything. If this has taught me anything, it is that exes don't always need to be in your block list, your old situations too should retire and take a hike and shouldn't come back to haunt you when you're living through the best time of the year- April. 

A week ago a dear friend told me to treat people like these like I'd treat a set of car-wiper; let them be and only use them when it rains and I need their shield to protect me. Unfortunately, some of us who've volunteered to be jesters are cursed to be the wipers ourselves; we exist to make everyone else's life convenient at the cost of us dealing with the rain and sun all day every day till our existence. 

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