Prose before hos

Madonna had four minutes and I have ten. She's also well over 50 and I'm barely able to keep up in my 20s. Let's see, an executive summary of where I am at.

Taking a break is a lot like working on an MPhil or PhD. It's the same routine, the same sense of never-ending guilt. The goals and plans for the day resemble the same PhD day schedule. Between reading and writing it is all- I'll drive the car today, play the game I bought, paint some and read some more. Instead, it becomes, I'll be on my laptop researching, wasting some time, taking a break to watch the Office season 9 that I don't even enjoy. Same old, new bottle.

Well today, I decided to shake my life and do something that I hadn't done in months.

Bake.

Baking is a solitary pleasure mixed with science. The latter, I'm pretty sure, is unforgiving as my cake has risen from the center from not as much from the other sides. The former, I tried to immensely enjoy and later failed. The endeavour to enjoy that solitary pleasure was interrupted by phone calls, doorbells, more phone calls, text messages, heck even video calls. Now while I wait for the cake to be done, I'm alternating between typing and painting my nails. Sunday after my own heart.

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster ride. Some old people revisiting life as I bid goodbye to the life I had curated in the last one year. I've done things I wouldn't otherwise, including going to Gurgaon, painting my toe-nails in a deep shade of Industrial Green, planned two short vacations, ate more than I did in the last three years, stayed up every night for no reason and then passed out early without my night routine. In short, I'm shaking things up to feel something and I'm pleased to say, I've felt a lot and done nothing.

It's exactly the kind of break people asked me to take and I'm on it. Including my toenails, feeling the blues. The unemployed blues. 

It sucks balls. I don't know how people do it and emerge better than ever. I'm sucking at even taking a break.

Meanwhile, if you're my freelance client, you'll have the piece soon. I promise. Here's some Shutterstock cake, meanwhile. I obviously didn't bake this.

A thing that no break-up or an equivalent parting teaches you is how to get past a job that ends. As a recruiter friend points out, nobody cares about your sob story and you need to be clear af about what you need from a half an hour chat, let me jump straight to the point.

What happens after a job ends?

Nothing is an incorrect entry.

Well, you'd imagine nothing because it's ended, right? Can't start new things when an old is wrapping operations.

Quite the opposite, if you're unlucky or me.
Lucky is the person who still has a place to go to on Monday morning other than turning sides in their bed. More on that at the end of the post.

Generally, there are numerous handovers, countless places to sign out of (god save you if you're running digital campaigns and have created pages for organizations) and just about half a dozen reports to wrap because life's short and the job shorter (said no hooker ever). If you are me, chances are you'll have to wrap six months' worth of work in three days.

I'll cut to the chase and share some of the finest parting words that loved ones have shared in times of things falling apart (and by that mean the gorgeous jumpsuit I saw at the Chinatown equivalent of New Delhi which was coming off at seams and at 80% off).

You want to come to Goa with me? I'm going next month. 

This is the universe telling you to take a break. Take a break!

What plans now? Are you taking a break?

Send me your CV. 

You need a break. Take a break. 

What are you planning to do?

Take a trip to Thailand and get a massage or two. You'll feel great!

Go back to grad school and do your Ph.D. What's a job giving you anyway? 

Why don't you come to Nainital with me? 

What next?

Apply here! (job opening attached; nobody has ever heard of the organization)

I told you, should have taken a break year ago. 

Do you want to transcribe medical bills? There's an opening I can hook you up with. 

Your grandfather is still alive and you don't need to worry about your expenses. 

Why don't you apply to that *insert a new startup that nobody's heard of* and write for them? 

Finish your Ph.D. now that this is over. You'll be a doctor. 

Just take some time and reflect on what is it that you want to do next. 

Send me your updated CV. I've sent you a referral. 

Why don't you go to Thailand? 

Omg, you should totally write a book!

Did you apply to the job opening I sent to you? 

Don't go to Thailand. It's infected with Corona Virus. 

What are you planning to do now? Are you applying to jobs?

You should go to Thailand but don't spend all your money shopping. 

Why don't you write for *insert a publication that I absolutely detest*? You'll be great!

Oh noo. What will you do now? 

You should move to Canada and find a job there!

Why don't you write your Netflix Original that you've been talking about? 

I think I met more people in the last month than I have met in the last fucking decade. The list doesn't include obvious suspects like the people I work with, my immediate family or the people I see on daily basis.
I would give all these people listed below a miss in a heartbeat just to be able to see my cat again (who has been absconding for over a month, thank you very much). Okay, not all but most. The things I've done in the last 35-40 days since Uggles left me, is beyond comprehension. At a point now where people who barely know me are walking up to me or texting to check if I'm alive and/or well (number of times I've received that in the last fortnight- 4).

For this list, though I've excluded people who I met just once. Which would have effectively meant the list would be longer. These are the people I met through the month, more than once, and we don't stay under the same roof. You can imagine this amount of socializing and meeting taking a toll on anyone. Mind you, this doesn't include some of my other close friends or people I'd much rather hang with. Very few here, make the cut to the people I'd much rather be with.

1. Su
2. Aashish
3. Madhuri
4. Udisha
5. Udisha's mom
6. Udisha's dad
7. Udisha's brother
8. Ritika
9. Roshni
10. Dr A (not me, haha)
11. Jolly
12. Yuvraj
13. AJ
14. Aashish's sister
15. Aashish's bff
16. Yuvraj's girlfriend/laash (can't remember her name- she's extremely sweet though)
17. Anuj
18. Abhishek
19. Ritambhara
20. Nilambhari
21. Akshita
22. Man Friday
23. Ananya (the friend)
24. Neelam
25. Sneha
26. Umang
27. Meghna
28. Ashmita
29. Deepika's mom
30. Deepika's dad
31. Deepika's brother
32. Kanika
33. Abhijeet
34. Dr PNS
35. Plastic Surgeon Dude
36. All of the first PR's staff (3 shifts, I'm guessing?)
37. Dietitian -1 
38. Dietitian - 2
39. Tailor
40. Tailor 2
41. Tailor 3
42. Tamanna
43. Tamanna's husband (aka brother in law)
44. Tanishq
45. Sampada
46. Anmol
47. Tamanna's mom
48. Tamanna's dad
49. Sampada's mom
50. Sampada's dad
51. Sampada's cat 1
52. Sampada's cat 2
53. Sampada's cat 3
54. Sampada's cat 4
55. Sheo
56. Shreejee (was most curious, apparently a woman)
57. Mini
58. Mini's mom
59. Mini's dad
60. Mini's brother
61. Sanjay uncle
62. Rekha aunty
63. Hitler Mamiji 
64. Timo
65. Timo's girlfriend
66. Timo's girlfriend's sister
67. Timo's mom
68. Timo's dad
69. 19-year-old Chinese dude whose name I can't remember
70. 19-year-old Chinese dude's mom
71. 19-year-old Chinese dude's mom's sister
72. Hitler mamiji's grandson
73. Random Meerut uncle who told me, "Chinese ke saath itna dance kara hai, humaare saath bhi dance karlo"
74. Random Meerut uncle who shared the table with me for breakfast
75. Random Meerut aunty (lost count)
76. Random West Delhi relatives
77. Mum's nephew who definitely has visible herpes (and he's on my friend list- shit)
78. Mum's nephew's wife (who I dragged to the dance floor and danced with- have never met her before)
79. all of Tamanna's in-laws (lost count)
80. Some 100 odd family friends (don't know who's who)
81. Khursheed
82. Arun
83. Khursheed's grandmom
84. Khursheed's sir
85. Khursheed's friend at the IAF
86. Khursheed's friend's mom at the IAF
87. Neharika
88. Neharika's mom
89. Aastha
90. Rajan
91. Rajan's wife
92. Rajan's kid with his wife
93. Neville
94. Matru
95. Salim
96. The dude from Accounts whose name I don't remember
97. Vijay
98. Vijay's son (Sagar, I think)
99. Veer 
100. Client in Delhi
101. Client's colleague
102. Another client
103. Client's senior colleague
104. Client's head of the department
105. Client's Director
106. Client's artist
107. Client's colleague
108. Client's colleague 2
109. Client at the JLF
110. Client's boss at the JLF
111. Client's Director at the JLF
112. Client's still photographer at the JLF
113. Client's colleague at the JLF
114. Client's Director's husband at the JLF
115. Vinayak
116. Sud
117. Another one of their friend
118. Yet another one of their friend
119. The angry dude who was their friend
120. The dude who brought the doob also their friend
121. Ankur 
122. Mohini
123. Pritish
124. Prityasha (I think that was her name, could be wrong)
125. Mr fucking Fox (fuck me)
126. Ag's sibling (I think)
127. White journalist
128. White dancer
129. White gallery owner
130. Arjun 
131. Translator
132. Famous environmentalist/filmmaker
133. Famous poet
134. Famous author/critic
135. Famous sculptor
136. Famous author
137. Priya
138. PK 
139. KK 
140. Kapil
141. Karam
142. Ritu Masi
143. Tanvi
144. Rachna Masi
145. Rachna Masi's husband
146. Old boss from my 2012 internship
147. Shaleen
148. The artist whose name I missed
149. Anna (whose name I first confused with Maria)
150. Navendu
151. Neha
152. eM
153. Ty
154. Anton
155. Amanat
156. Nirja
157. Sahaj
158. Another client's photographer
159. Same client's second photographer
160. Christie
161. SUSB
162. PP
163. KK 
164. The dude who I intensely dislike (hugged him, yuck)
165. The client's other team member
166. Udita
167. Udita, Vidhaat and Ashmita's friend
168. This big gallery owner's granddaughter
169. Akanksha
170. Dhananjaya 
171. Giriraj
172. Neeti

"Do you have a man in your life?"

I had been chasing a fat ginger cat at the party, a work event, and had just perched myself on a couch- one of many at a plush flat in central Delhi. The families in the neighbourhood were most likely aware that the owners amongst others have (amongst many) spare houses and have converted the said property into an exhibition space. The owner was hosting a pre-public viewing party for selected friends. The crowd had poured in from one party to the other. Some familiar faces, others page 3 familiar.

The large verandah could be good for playing with a dog, hosting a bake sale, heck even lawn parties. I've seen 8 member families stay in smaller spaces than the size of the back lawn but here I was, in my pencil skirt and blazer, clutching my kulhad filled with qawah tightly. I had stopped to pet the cat, chilling with the artist seated across me. The cat escaped me and I remembered the words, "network, talk to people. This is appreciated."

"Haha, well, if you must know, I don't."

The artist raised a glass to me, "I hope you get someone who deserves you, soon."

"Do you have someone in your life?"

"No, I don't. That's why I was telling you. Take a break. From everything and everyone. Just disappear for a while. I did for six months after fifteen long years in Delhi. You know, everyone outside knows me and I know them but I don't want to go out. I want to be here, by myself. Sometimes you need the space, and from all that you have just told me about your life in the last one month, my darling you need a break."

"Are you the sign I'm looking for?"

"Maybe I am. You should really just get out for a week, or try to cut people out and see the difference. You'll feel light-headed."

I took out a strip of medicine from my bag and popped out a pill.

"Well, I'll be light-headed in no time and it didn't need wine."

"Darling you have glowing skin. You could use aloe vera and get off medicines. Just take care of yourself and put yourself up. If you like a guy and he doesn't like you back, just cut him out. You'll see he'll come running back with more intensity."

"I actually don't, not really."

"No, I mean cut things out. People, work and respect your body. Your mind and body are pretty much giving up on you because you're not treating either with respect."

"I think, I will."

"You deserve to be loved, darling."

Apparently, spending it on a hospital bed with a hyper, frazzled mother is something I did not take into account. Neither did I imagine an arm with infection spreading to my arteries and veins. Guess we can say, what a welcome to the decade that will hopefully see me through my 30s. 

Hope is injurious to health. 

2020, I'm onto you. If you let me, that is. 

"I really think it's a make or break for me the way a guy dresses. I've literally called things off once cause a guy showed up in a green t-shirt."

"What's wrong with a green t-shirt?"

"Nothing's wrong with a green t-shirt and he actually showed up in a nice jacket but then he took it off and there was that eyesore of the t-shirt. It's very hard for me to take anyone seriously in a t-shirt like that. I also can't deal with a badly dressed man. I get your aesthetic and over time if we become friends or whatever I learn to deal with it. But the worst kind of problem is when you like a person's aesthetic and they show up in a terrible outfit. I think it's the easiest way to get over someone. Like this."

"Who is this green t-shirt person?"

"You know, that one."

"I don't know this one."

"Everyone in English speaking world knows of him and this outfit fail. For fuck sake, SSD was there with me and he saw it in person. I'm sure Pantone has the colour of his t-shirt under 'The worst green' and the t-shirt had Taj Mahal. No wait, it didn't have Taj Mahal as it is. It was a face with glasses and you could see the Taj Mahal in it.""

"No man, you didn't tell me."

"He is the same person who sent food for my entire office when we were all working late and everyone around me was head over heels for him except me."

"No idea."

"You know the one who was really nice to me and I was a complete asshole."

"You know you are an assh..."

"Before you say it, can you just say it, 'you're an asshole to every guy who likes you' and please get it out of your system?"

"You're an asshole to every guy who likes you."

"Thanks."

This is as close to a public apology I'm going to get to for our friend in the green t-shirt. I'm sorry for me not reciprocating to your bad memes, advances and efforts. You're a nice guy but only the Dude gets to dress bad and get away with it.



In the meantime, if you hear of a publicist who is willing to take up the role to improve my public profile on how I'm an asshole to one and all (been getting a lot these days), hit me up.

About two months ago, I booked myself a solo trip to the hills. To the ordinary, it may seem like another coping mechanism by an average day job slave. But to those who know me, they were appalled.

"Are you sure you're okay? Do you want to maybe talk about life?"
"Who on Earth is making you travel to the hills? This person must really mean a lot."

Well, technically she does.
D's been ferrying my cosmetics, mists and the sundry for my luxe-life from the Big Apple for the last couple of years. Sinner confused her as my 'school friend'.

Here's what: our foundation for me to travel to the hills goes all the way back to all the food consumed during 5 weeks of having lunch together. She may have been the reason I survived NCR for a month. It doesn't mean a lot yet it does.

I think the idea of travelling for someone no longer goes down well with me. I do it, sure, grudgingly but I can't feign a tiny bit of interest in the same. Naturally, weddings require a lot more effort. As much as I'm willing to put in the effort and time, the deterrent here is the hills.

I mean, I don't think I'll travel for a person anywhere, anymore. And perhaps that's going to cost me my upcoming review and appraisal (if I get out of probation) but no, I shan't do that for anyone or anything.



In a larger scheme of things (as I was told today 'you're not thinking THE BIG PICTURE'), I foresee losing people because of my obstinacy on not travelling for anyone. But I also see this as growth. Not giving a damn and a sense of ownership to my upcoming 30s.

I including 'moving' in the gamut of travelling. Do I allow myself to be moved by people? I would like to think yes. However, I can name people here who would not agree with me. Then again, those are the same people who read this page and I don't want to give them more importance than I do.

Speaking of my hypocrisy, I can't even get myself to travel for myself. I don't know what prevents that, and I have in the past, tried to address it. Yet, I struggle to put words to this situation of helplessness, anxiety and stalling decisions.

Let me give you a background; I'm expected to be on a work trip to a beach town (yay!) when I'm not getting to see the face of the beach whatsoever. Just before that, I sm supposed to be wearing a new Indian outfit to my friend's wedding in 3 degrees, which is this run to the hills trip of a lifetime. As explained in great detail, I'm probably getting out of that only to find myself initiating a plan out of the city with P. Which is also something I have stalled long enough and literally on a deadline. In the meantime, I have solidly dug my grave with a lot of people. Case in point.

Exhibit A.

"Let me know about DDN by Thursday?"

We are supposed to leave on Friday.

On the other hand, I find saying yes to unplanned plans easily.

Exhibit B.

"Hey, want to go to eat turkey tonight?"

"Sure."

(Narrator: no turkey was had. The name of the restaurant is misleading and they serve no turkey.)

Similarly, for the wedding weekend.

Exhibit C.

"Let's hang over dinner this weekend? Let me know asap."

*takes three business days after confirming three other plans and comes back with*

"Yes, let's do Friday night!"

Exhibit D.

"Don't you dare think of cancelling your trip. Go on that train and take pictures and send me some. You'll have fun."

Essentially, business is open for Friday night. I'm all over the place and yet nowhere. Certainly not travelling for anyone and if I do, you are either a terrible decision or a result of one.