Prose before hos

The most befitting end to the first month of the year, resembled the finale of Mukkabaaz (2018; dir Anurag Kashyap). Without giving much about the film, let me jump straight to my point.

I dropped my phone inside the pot.

Pot where one takes a dump. A commode. Or whatever you call that space in your culture.

This cover is my calendar, only less fun than seeing the "dentist".

Semantics aside, this was truly the cruellest way to end the cruellest month of the wretched year. Amongst other notable things that took place, here's the highlight of this year in badly organized point format (because fuck me, I'm truly not in a state to think of beautiful, prosaic words that make sense).

1) I started smoking after four years of being clean. I also got sick enough to lose my hearing ability. That had something to do with smoking and little something to do with the fact that I sneaked out of my house and had a run-in with the cops, all in the same evening.

2) I am truly out of fucks to give for deadline and work. Here's something that everyone around me has noticed. A sample-

a) We need images for the opening pages. Oh my.

Me- Don't worry. I'll do it in an hour.

b) We need to send the book to the press. Tell them this is the deadline.

Me- Yep, will be done.

c) I basically need 10 posts to have gone up on Facebook yesterday.

Me- I'm tracking the delivery of the time travel machine. Could you hold a minute please?

3) I'm eating crap. Mindlessly. All day, every day. I have no chill with regard to my diet so I'm taking bites (sin), I'm eating butter and oil and fats and dairy all day (sin), I'm also piling on carbs and how (sin), eating ketchup by the bucket (sin), no working out (biggest sin).

4) This page. I am single-handedly responsible for the dwindling numbers because if I don't show any interest, nobody else does either.

5) Went to the theatre one whole hour before the designated time of the film. Entered the exhibition space, a whole ten minutes late. Don't ask why.

6) Terrible, terrible personal space issues. Concerning an almost pleasant past experience. Or the beginner's charm. Either, or. Just not the way things were supposed to pan out in a personal space.

7) The phone. After dropping it inside the pot, I carried it with me again each time I went to take a dump- just to challenge the universe.

Come at me motherfuckers.

This should be happening over a dinner table but my friends and I aren't in the same 10km radius and we sure as hell don't agree upon dinner time or meals anymore so this page it is.

It's Thanksgiving 2017 and I have a lot of people and things to acknowledge. Bear with me since that book deal didn't come through.


To mom, for specialised meals where I throw a tantrum regardless of how and what's been made. I am one step closer to what life I envision for myself in the future and while it's not been easy for her to understand that, it's been harder for me to implement. Wouldn't have been possible had she not taken that charge.

Dad, for keeping up with the madness at home despite doing a fabulous job with work. I have seen how people run family businesses now and I have new found respect for the passion he puts in his work daily.

To all the anciliary people who make my work possible every day, from my colleagues who are always ready forced to hear me crib and cry about uncontrollable situations with commissioned photography to the freelancers who come around when I am commissioning work. Even the people at Snake pit, who make magic happen occasionaly with their turn around time. Gratitude and a tip of the hat to most of you, for working at the pace at which I work, which is maniacal to say the least. Just because I don't have the semblance of a life doesn't mean the other key players don't. More often than not, they place work the way I do and it's commendable, for I am not making any sacrifices to do that.

To the team at the university, from my mentor to my colleagues. Everyone who came in to support me during my research thesis defence. It was quite a sight to see people hear me talk for what seemed like a whole afternoon. This lot  made me realize I no longer belong in academia since I was controlling my anxiety to quite an extent.

To the cast of Thanksgiving and the people who made the film. It's the worst art I've ever made so it's safe to say, there's only way but up. In terms of moving image only.

Uphill climbs bring out the worst in me, whether on feet or in the car. The market where I work is located on a relatively uphill slope. Naturally, I'm at my worst every single time I'm asked to lug my ass anywhere around the area.

On one of my last ATM hangs with Mia K, I was ranting to her about a friend. I believed the said friend had fewer fucks to give about me than in comparison to her SO's friends. That should irk anyone.

Mia K being Mia K (ahem) looked at me calmly with an expression that read, "This child." and continued to hear until I shut up with all my ranting and replaced it with panting.

Speaking of panting, Mia K has a great joke on how dogs wear coats and they pant in the Summer due to the same coat (haha fuck me, hilarious). It's something that's a part of her overcompensational behaviour since she put in her papers.

I digress, but coming back to the uphill climb and Mia K, she responded with a counter example on how my friend was giving me all the fucks and how I have been forgetting about the same (citing two academic papers and four parties from the last one financial year).

"You know what's your problem? (mental note, not verbal.) You keep a list of grudges only. Instead, why don't you focus on a list of gratitudes?"

"You know what, I hate you (mental note, not verbal.) You are right. I have never done that. Maybe, it's time for me to make that."

What better than the last post during my birthday month, to recall the kindness and the large heartedness of the people I've encountered.

To the girl who didn't show up to take admission at my second college - You helped me secure a seat. Without your input (of staying out of admissions) help, I wouldn't have managed to meet the people I call family today, the degree that taught me everything about images, still and moving. That made me realize that there's a life outside academia and that it's worth pursuing. You also ensured I didn't go to the UK since I got admitted in Delhi and that was the only one condition upon which I skipped all the colleges I got through there god I hate you so much (how does one not add grudges to the same list man?).

Mum - For being oh so nonchalant about dating, bringing men home and for being all round resourceful by ensuring me the tastiest present from my birthday wishlist this year.

The Japanese passerby who told me to pick the John Coltrane Tshirt - He was my Yoda and I had a full padawan moment with him. He appeared out of nowhere when the Thai woman was charming her way in and ensuring she sells me three t-shirts including Chili Peppers ("We don't stock Chili Peppers, but we do keep Red Hot Chili Peppers hahaha.") and Oasis. He came in nonchalantly, not looking to buy anything and when I was hyperventilating over the Coltrane t-shirt he asked me to pick that over the Chili Peppers. "Classy, definitely. RHCP is more rocker like. Which one are you?"
All of a sudden, I no longer needed Sinner to help me with my purchase. The Thai woman looked a bit disappointed.

Speaking of which, Sinner - For being the most compassionate travel partner despite travelling with me since 2010 and knowing I throw up at the drop of the hat. For fussing over me when I didn't sleep enough and for calming me down when she lost her wallet full of monies and cards. For baking that cake on my blog anniversary party (it wasn't this month but still) and being one eye roll away from knowing what's up with me. Recently, she pronounced I liked a guy before I knew I liked him. I don't know about you, but I need more of her in my life. "He's crazy, just like her.", she told her Catfish friend, and he nodded in agreement. This, when I knew nothing about the person. All that we (Sinner and I) are missing is an umblical cord. Really. She wouldn't agree though.

My University - For making sure I exited academia with an A, and nothing less. It was an absolute pleasure and my gratitude to the people who feigned well at tolerating my work and vice verse. Quite a ride.

My workplace - For trusting in me and giving me a chance of a lifetime on projects that people usually take a long time to reach to in their career. 

Thai Airways Ground Staff in Delhi - For blocking the middle seat and thus ensuring I slept through the flight with my feet curled up on the next seat. I make a silent wish for everytime a ground staff personnel does that for me.

The lady at Platinum Mall who exchanged our pants two days later - She's my hero, for not only did she recognize me and gave me stuff my size in a plethora of colours, she also agreed to exchange sizes and allowed us to try outfits (despite so, we came to exchange). She was more than happy helping Sinner and I pick pants and skirts. In a country where you're asked to not enter a nightclub cause you're not a guy and not allowed to touch clothes which don't fit your size, she was quite something. I hope she makes a fortune selling those soft as hell, skinny pants.




Circuit - For fighting through the time I was traveling. After I came back, there were days I wondered how he survived. I am so fucking glad he did, I would be devasted otherwise...

The lady who gave me change for 1000 baht in exchange for buying two rubber bands worth ten baht each - You make me want to move to Bangkok and embarrass myself asking people to help me get a job there. Recently, I was out trying to buy a bottled water in exchange with a 100 rupee note. I was shown the door by FOUR fucking shopkeepers because they did not deem a 20 rupee purchase worth giving 80 rupees worth of change.


Fuck you guys, learn a thing or two on how to treat people.


His Holiness The Dalai Lama - For making that miraculous entrance during my vacation and ensuring I didn't come back to a situation where my ass was on fire trying to hunt rare images from the cesspool of shit that the internet is. Youdaman.

The men who played Charlie "Putz" at the drinks trucks - You gave me a reason to laugh at myself, besides stiff drinks.

Man Friday- Very few people can drill facts in your head without an ulterior motive. While I'm ducking my head in the sand and not coming out to the reality, he's pushing me to face the facts and pick my life and look at what I intend on doing for the next couple of years. In his words, "fun and games are over."

Mia Khalifa - There's no easy way of doing this. I'm high out of my mind and to write this after giving her a farewell isn't exactly simple. While I'm at being sentimental, let me count the times Mia K was the bomb.

For rolling me a doob in the conference room. For the reverse psychology that made me stick around the job. For drilling in me that clean eating is completely possible regardless of being fussy and picky. For proving to me that incest is real by playing both, the role of my elder sister and potential lover. For always being a phone call away (yet never answering). For single handedly standing against everything that went wrong in the last one year and making sure I remember none of that. For making me into a better person. For telling it to my face that my IRL game sucks and for planning my mayyat. It's been a real pleasure, Mia.

It's 2:08 am, I'm sentimentally sloshed, buckled and tied to 6E177 or whatever my flight is. I booked my tickets a couple of hours ago now and the only thing that's hitting is what the actual fuck am I doing with my life.