Not too bad

Saturday, December 30, 2023

My hands are swollen and kinda blue; I'd get into the details but I'd have to kill you. 
Didn't intend on rhyming. I think rhyming is mid and silly but that's just me. However, since this is my page I think my opinion can fly. 

Everyone around me is kinda moping on the fact that this year sucked hard. Look ma, I am no different but I have to be real. This year was kinder than 2021 where I nearly died and then survived only to date a pos. 2020 took me out without being gentle, with every blow more severe than the last. It was really survival of the fittest and we lost my grandfather. 2022 fucking sucked with not one but two whole heartbreaks, a corporate job that I had no idea about, and a lack of will to live. I am not going to say omg it was horrible but god it wasn't easy. 2023, so far (I believe I have close to 25 hours in hand so not gonna take my chances and make it definite) was interesting. 

I also do know, why I'm confident about labelling 2023 not too bad. For the most part, it has to do with not losing the essentials (so far, we still have 25 hours) including family, job, health and sanity. The pillars that form the basics of life are all intact and here with me and that's all that matters. Heartbreaks were brutal (and we came close to a few) but nothing that retail therapy and other therapy can't resolve. I'd happily take romantic heartbreaks over losing the important ones. At the end of the day, whether crazy or sane, family and good health mean the world so I'll count my blessings for the year and wrap. 

I experienced the fall from grace, not once but twice. Two different breakdowns, terribly low lows but also fucking fun highs. I actually enjoyed myself this year. I reinvented parts of myself and chose to rewrite everything—happiest memories were lived not because they were happy but because I chose to look at the glass half full, sad moments were experienced and processed without intellectualizing it and I felt responsible, for a change, to take on the fact that one day this will pass. That day may not be the one when every hour feels like hope lost but it'll be felt in a moment that is unrelated to the grief of losing someone you perceived a life with. 

Take for example this short break. I don't think I thought of any boy—past—and dwell on it. I happily grew out of the ones from 2022 and I feel it's a long shift from the person I have been. No longer the victim of my life or holding shackles. All you need to do is give it a break and let yourself take care of you. We're no longer accepting the bare minimum but also not falling for what-ifs. If it stays, it stays and if it wants to leave, you should give them a wave out. Nobody wants anyone to overstay their welcome. 

I am also at peace and rest because I'm glad I'm seeing the year on it's way out without any resentment in my heart for the men I've dated this year. I have come close to dealing with bullshit but nipping it in the bud each time was remarkably helpful. I think there's a lot to learn here, especially in perseverance. I may not be anywhere close to finding the one or just anyone but I have met fantastic men this year who tried their best to set a remarkable example to pick from. Sure, not all of them but the few who did should be equally acknowledged. I've also possibly seen the most unhinged version of myself yet so I guess we've hit a real balance between the gents who indulged me in my tomfoolery and then those who were there for me through it. 

I want to say I have hope for 2024 to be a bigger, badder, meaner version of all the peace and patience I got out of 2023 but who am I kidding, I can't get lucky every year. Or, can I?

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