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Tuesday, December 19, 2023


One man off the street is worth 15 from an app;

It's too cold to do anything except acknowledge how cold it is. Mentally, I'm done with the winter but physically it's only just begun. Each day is worse than the last with physical aches and matters of the heart all rising to bite you together in the ass. I can feel the tart salad aftertaste despite covering it up with fluoride. I need to see a dentist, probably more than I need to see my friends but I've made no effort to see the former. 

What is my plan for the next 10 days? Idk, rotting in bed, reading, gaming, catching up on TV, meeting friends who are in town and definitely trying to find some time to unwind for me, clean my room, to workout strong and find time to help my heart feel at home. It's been displaced, it gets displaced. 

I believe you're cautious and not avoidant, I don't like when you call yourself that; 

I don't think the marker of being rich is having an Apple ecosystem. Sure, at 15 that was my definition and at 21, I was it-girl. I had an iPad, a MacBook, a video iPod and basically iPhone hadn't come out or something so I was essentially there and it didn't make me feel any different. It's like a face-card but only you buy it which doesn't make it that special at the end of the day. 

Today, I can walk out feeling smug af without an Apply ecosystem. Sometimes when I look at myself, I'm the realised vision I had on a mental mood board for myself at 15, probably here on this page. Never articulated but always aspirational. I seek and I get, not without the hard work and/or the effort but definitely, there's a way towards the will but more than anything, it's not come easy. The road was paved with ten years of effort. I recently shared that ten-year glow-up photograph with a man who has no context to my life. He validated that image with an emoji. If he knew, he'd straight up push for a national award or something. 

I have no intention of meeting the men again;

Why am I being accosted by men who met me a lifetime and three personalities ago? It's cute to be vulnerable but heartbreaking when you've written them off and they attempt to look back. No, stay gone. You sang to me, held my hand and showed me off, but you didn't do enough. Okay fine, you also showed up again when I needed you and when I was down in the dumps but also, was that enough? You were doing things for yourself and now it's my turn to stay gone because I'm choosing to be with me. Perhaps in an alternate universe, you'd have a 13-year-old daughter and some feelings for me and I'd be the one who loses you because I don't want to go down that road. 

I came full circle in Gurgaon a few days ago when I was taken to the same party spot where it started from. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, I wouldn't. Instead, I would just hug myself and tell her to be strong and do it. Sometimes you need to live through the heartbreak to see yourself look like the best version of yourself.

I want to be worshipped, and adored, and admired and if you can't step up then goodbye. 

I'm sorry, I didn't respond to your photo in bed and then another one. Instead, I went back to touching up my make-up and thinking about the pasta I'd eat for dinner. I am sorry that I didn't particularly flirt back when you came out of woodworks months later, when you promised to make things work with me and move to be with me. You did no such thing and yet, had no courtesy to apologise for painting a picture. I had men who paint with words. 'Label them, name them,' my friend said earlier on the call today. You need to spell things out and call them out on it, you don't have to live with it in your heart. He is after all a mid low-life, bore and you are a goddamn star. 

Yeah, it's okay to put down people. They get what they deserve. 

Perhaps next year, I'll make fresh, new mistakes. I'll do new quarterly personality shifts and consider climbing ambitious ladders over climbing on men and demanding equal rights in raising my unborn children with them. Honestly, what the fuck was that temporary baby fever? I don't understand. I keep revisiting the time when I was a woman possessed wondering if I'd be single in a few weeks or be prepping to have a man's baby and it puts the fear of god in me because was I willing to trade my precious life in exchange of what I believed was a safe space when it wasn't looking out for me. 

Maybe, it's us. We give people enough chances to prove us wrong, for people to be unavailable so we can fully fawn over them when all we want is a good reset. Instead of just asking for the same, we go for a man, an excuse to let us down so we can turn things around. Every time I have made a breakthrough professionally, it has been followed by something tremendously soul-crushing in my personal life. Maybe, at this point I just know, when I need a change in scenery, I need to look for an excuse to get my heart crushed and achieve another goal. 

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