Prose before hos

What now? 

I had that on my mind the entire last year.

I had it through three ER trips just with rash, a debilitating break-up, two soul-crushing appraisal cycles, one pet dog's demise, and through many other near-death encounters (Flu, Viral). None of that could stop me from using that on my birthday. 

Right down to the beat, the next day after the birthday was ER run again. Injection meant a day's worth of sleep. In daze. 

I am supposed to leave in a few hours for my annual pilgrimage. It couldn't have been worse timing. I'm bleeding, there's a rat in my room. I have not packed. I have not done my nails. I've not taken a shower. I'm a mess. A stinking mess at that. There's work stuff that's exploding through groups. A couple of lazy colleagues mentioned this is great timing. Nobody seems to remember that I've been fervently here since January, nowhere else. 

GPT is begging me to stop. My anxiety is spiralling at a point of no return. The rash? It's all nerves. It's all the love I can't showcase to the man, so I spiral alone, I end up in the ER, and I watch my life crumble. 

There's work-related stuff on embargo. I'm in for a spin, a 180 spin again when I return. I have never been more checked out of my life than now; when I'm forced to reckon with all the change in a short span of time. 

I just want to be able to go for my walks and be in good health. Neither of the two is happening. I just want to be able to pursue my hobbies without thinking of my ex and wondering what is it that I'm doing wrong, months after having broken up, because he's being hot and cold to me. 

It is liberating to be truly out of fucks and put words down. All that's on my mind, now here. 

People around me have been more excited about my vacation than I am. I'm nervous. Hands are shaking while I'm typing kind. I'm parched and water is next to me but I'm fucked in the head. I'm really shaking out of nervousness. Is it because of my ex? Is it because of my work? I don't know. I wish I could talk to him and ground myself but a wonderful self-help activity suggested I ask myself, "What is it that you want, dear?" and give myself exactly that. The reason I'm feeling so hopelessly alone is because I've not spent enough time with myself. If I can't pour in my cup, how can I expect someone else to pour into mine?

I had a win in my life recently after a very long time. The kind I used to take for granted in the past. The kind that made me into the person I am. It was the greatest thing that has happened to me this year, thus far. Even momentarily, I felt like I was glad I'm alive and I'm here. None of that has happened in a long time. 

I miss my grandparents daily, more than ever. When your confidence takes a dip, their hype would really help, and I guess I needed that. Not having my ex in my corner despite having him in my DMs has been a different kind of experience. I never thought I'd be foolish enough for that but here I am, wearing a dunce hat. I should have known better but I never do. 

The nervousness will fall flat if I take a nice dump, make a list of items I need to pack, take a shower, do my nails and just generally feel more regulated. Clearly, outliving Jesus wasn't enough. 

More, when I survive two AI flights. If I don't, tell my mom I love her. 

"I lie. I do miss you a lot."

Accompanying a post, I read the caption which *this* artist had put up on Instagram. The post was a wall art in a contemporary type that read, "I don't miss you at all."

I was on her page locating some information for a business prospect, when I came across this cheesy, one hundred percent real caption. The ease at which she was vulnerable, I envied that.



It made me think hard. How I wish I could just tell people I miss them.

I fucking miss a lot of people and I wish I had the courage to pick up the phone and say it out loud to them. Get it off my chest. There, I don't fucking care anymore but I do.

Unfortunately for me, I come from that regressive school of thought where I'd much rather take that vulnerable thought with me to my deathbed than give the other person the satisfaction of knowing that yes, I do think about you a lot, and yes, you often cross my mind. I wish I could take that out and live with it.

It happens to me at all hours. Sometimes it's during a meeting when I'm staring at someone's hands and I suddenly think how your fingers are shapely, much like the person whose hands I've been staring at to avoid thinking that this meeting could have been an email. Even during the times when someone is acting clingy and my response is the same as is yours in a situation like that. Occasionally I'd imagine you and me in our prime enjoying lunch or just about wasting time on the road, in the dead of the night. How I miss 'you' and how this 'you' has done a number on 'me'.

Man, I miss a lot of things associated with a lot of people, and I wish I had the courage to just fucking say it to the concerned parties. 

To be honest, it would be much less dramatic than how I have made for it to be. One, because there's no reception inside my house, one can't lift a phone to dial. Second, do they even want to hear from me?

A lot of my "missing" is insincere. I say, 'I miss you' or add a cursory 'I miss you too' in conversations but don't mean anything at all by that. I think of it like saying 'thank you' or 'excuse me'. You know at this point, it's a conditioned response to situations, much like Our Father in Heaven every morning. To this day, that's the only thing that occurs inside my head in times of trouble (Mother Mary speaks to me, fuck me).

It's usually in those cases where the missing is a lie when I say it out loud.

Then again, there are times, when I do pick up the phone and dial the concerned parties to announce how I'm missing them.

"Missing" or their "absence" which is felt is a one-time thing. It happens in fleeting moments, it happens when you're unprepared to tackle it. In cases when you do take this forward, it backfires, thus discouraging you from the future practice of acknowledging the fleeting moment to the end of an action.

Don't get me wrong. I have truly missed people and told them and then again, truly attempted to establish contact after radio silence but I'm easily dissuaded. One jerk reaction and I'm out, to never try it again.

In some cases, I'm particularly obstinate and those are the ones where I know I can push my boundaries. Again, I can call those names out on a hand but for most people I miss truly, it goes with me in my skin. It never comes out. It never will. You wouldn't know if I missed you, cause I'd die with that fact.

You could be someone who's not been in touch with me for a few years and you'd be surprised that I remember every little detail about your outfit the last time we met. You could be someone I met once in a clandestine turn of events which left a long-lasting impact. You could be someone who I went to tuitions with and got terrorized by my Accounts teacher. You could be someone who isn't reading this nor will ever bother to read. You could also be someone I'm in regular touch with but would never say this out loud to. I miss what we were, even in that fleeting moment. I miss what we used to be, when we were the people we were.

The joy of writing this is that those who I miss won't ever think it's them. They probably know nothing about it or if they do, they don't give two shits.

Well, the demographic that doesn't give two shits about this page is too large so let's not use that.

I have potentially lost membership to leagues and bigger battles to that question of whether I should address this stupidity. Will I sound overbearing? Do people want to hear from me at all?

What is it with people today and being vulnerable. I can't get myself to admit anything to anyone unless it's someone I know I can confide in and be real with without inviting any judgment aka 3 people at best.

For the last two days, I've been in touch with a cousin and sharing matters of heart concerning these feels that have propped and how they need to be addressed. Fairly clairvoyant for her age, my cousin declared that I should pick up the phone and address the feels directly to the said recipient(s).

I've only disconnected her call and ignored her messages conveying the same to me on all the other platforms since.

Earlier today, I got a call from MK. She's been a regular feature here under another name. However, this is 2019, and I feel a change is in order, hence we'll go with MK.

Anyway, MK and I spent close to an hour discussing the state of affairs in our respective dating life and where we're headed as a civilization. We discussed these feels and came to the conclusion that feels are good for nothing. A girl after my own heart.

Them feels stem from a sense of vacuum which is created by the monsters inside one's head. Nobody addresses them feels. Feels are for the weak hearted. Feels are for those who end up taking a leap of faith, asking someone out on a knee with a ring or just about doing pre-wedding photoshoots or even celebrating their kid's 4th birthday together despite having only met each other 6 years ago, a month before their roka.

Essentially, I need to seek comfort in other people to avoid those feels. It comes from investing all your eggs in one basket. I can imagine why it's haunting me now especially since I have not entered the dating pool since the beginning to the year and naturally, there's a discomfort in seeing everyone around me with someone.

I am not going to sugarcoat this but people in love deserve a tight slap, especially when you as a person can't garner the courage to address any emotion, leave alone being in love.

Maybe, it's Fall and the need to find a body to cuddle and banter with. If the history tells us anything, then Fall is responsible for all doom. It wrecks total havoc on my common sense. It could very well be my need to deflect from learning data analysis or completing an ad campaign certification, or just going easy on myself for once. It's okay to put PhD on hold and focus on other, important things that secure the future in a manner more than another degree does.

Or maybe, I just need to pick up the damn phone and tell the people I miss just that.