What now? 

I had that on my mind the entire last year.

I had it through three ER trips just with rash, a debilitating break-up, two soul-crushing appraisal cycles, one pet dog's demise, and through many other near-death encounters (Flu, Viral). None of that could stop me from using that on my birthday. 

Right down to the beat, the next day after the birthday was ER run again. Injection meant a day's worth of sleep. In daze. 

I am supposed to leave in a few hours for my annual pilgrimage. It couldn't have been worse timing. I'm bleeding, there's a rat in my room. I have not packed. I have not done my nails. I've not taken a shower. I'm a mess. A stinking mess at that. There's work stuff that's exploding through groups. A couple of lazy colleagues mentioned this is great timing. Nobody seems to remember that I've been fervently here since January, nowhere else. 

GPT is begging me to stop. My anxiety is spiralling at a point of no return. The rash? It's all nerves. It's all the love I can't showcase to the man, so I spiral alone, I end up in the ER, and I watch my life crumble. 

There's work-related stuff on embargo. I'm in for a spin, a 180 spin again when I return. I have never been more checked out of my life than now; when I'm forced to reckon with all the change in a short span of time. 

I just want to be able to go for my walks and be in good health. Neither of the two is happening. I just want to be able to pursue my hobbies without thinking of my ex and wondering what is it that I'm doing wrong, months after having broken up, because he's being hot and cold to me. 

It is liberating to be truly out of fucks and put words down. All that's on my mind, now here. 

People around me have been more excited about my vacation than I am. I'm nervous. Hands are shaking while I'm typing kind. I'm parched and water is next to me but I'm fucked in the head. I'm really shaking out of nervousness. Is it because of my ex? Is it because of my work? I don't know. I wish I could talk to him and ground myself but a wonderful self-help activity suggested I ask myself, "What is it that you want, dear?" and give myself exactly that. The reason I'm feeling so hopelessly alone is because I've not spent enough time with myself. If I can't pour in my cup, how can I expect someone else to pour into mine?

I had a win in my life recently after a very long time. The kind I used to take for granted in the past. The kind that made me into the person I am. It was the greatest thing that has happened to me this year, thus far. Even momentarily, I felt like I was glad I'm alive and I'm here. None of that has happened in a long time. 

I miss my grandparents daily, more than ever. When your confidence takes a dip, their hype would really help, and I guess I needed that. Not having my ex in my corner despite having him in my DMs has been a different kind of experience. I never thought I'd be foolish enough for that but here I am, wearing a dunce hat. I should have known better but I never do. 

The nervousness will fall flat if I take a nice dump, make a list of items I need to pack, take a shower, do my nails and just generally feel more regulated. Clearly, outliving Jesus wasn't enough. 

More, when I survive two AI flights. If I don't, tell my mom I love her.