A Colossal Fuck Up

Wednesday, February 02, 2022

I'm tired of being a fuck up on the regular.

If my 28 year old saw me today she'd jump off a building. Sure, I have all these cool bylines and a fancy new life that treats me to being broke more than usual but fuck up? I don't think I ever found that cool and now that I am one, I don't know how to bounce back. 

I think I'd cope better today if I was fucking up shit when I was younger, I told ziggy earlier today. He came back with a wholly rational explanation to that and we went in a loop. My point being the same, if I'd experienced being a failure say in grade 8, I wouldn't be breaking down about my professional life blowing apart today*. 

This today* has lasted two years, and we'll be entering the third in under a week. Come February and I'm reminded of how all the grand plans ended and I thought it'd be a temporary funk that I'd crawl out of shortly. To be fair, everyone around me thought the same. Until a month passed, then two, then six and all of a sudden it's been two fucking years of the same shit. 

Sometimes I think would it be easier to start again. Imagine being born as a child in an orphanage with no access to healthcare or education and trying to figure out life from scratch. The burden of expectations and failure rate would be different, I'd probably turn out to be more of burnout and less of an overthinker like I am. Or maybe, I need a day out in the Sun. A day in a park with sunlight would do me good if I managed to get out in time. 

Maybe 9 months ago, the struggles were making my body work. A month ago struggle was making things with a man work. Today the struggles are questioning if being alive as a whole is worth an exercise and somehow I'm struggling to find any reason in support of that. 

I was not cut out to be a failure and yet every step of the way I am being called out as one. I am at a point where hanging out with friends is a constant reminder that everyone has their shit together and me? I'm just touching the grass. They have sorry faces on when they hear me talk. "It'll change, things will get better." follows silence. Their personal stories are radically different. Someone's getting a spouse, a baby, a house and I know they have worked very hard and invested a lot of their life and time and this is a reminder to me. A call out that sometimes it's okay to follow the beaten road and get results handed than going down the road less taken and encountering a dead end and stopping there and crying after kicking the wall and breaking your foot. That's where i'm at. I've kicked the dead end, cried alone and my friends can hear my sobs from the other side of the road. They're sorry for me. Thank you for hearing me out, I tell them, knowing fully well their sorry can't change my life and my gratitude serves nobody. I serve nobody. 

I think failure kicks in when you realize you're out of people to blame. Where do I trace this? My family's lack of initiative in putting me through paid hobby classes to cultivate things other than what I know? Being a failure with numbers? Being introverted to a large extent? Opting degrees that are one worse than the other? That's not true cause friends with the same degrees are doing well and being introverted has nothing to do with being a failure and hobbies that I cultivated without any external stimuli are the only ones that are somehow saving my ass. Do I complete that degree? No. 

Even for simpler things- I can trace back. Wordle, you know that word game everyone's wanking to? Yeah, so, suppose the word is "light", my first five guesses will be "adieu", "right", "might", "sight", "tight" until the sixth is "light" and by then it's too fucking late. Everyone on my feed is talking smack. "oh my god, I got in the first guess!!!!" You can all shove it up yours. I even suck at the fucking word game now, even when the word is simple. Then people think I know words. 

I think CBSE adjudged me fine when they did. Maybe I am not all that bright or sharp and I don't actually shine. I have no interest in being mediocre at anything and that explains why I abandoned everything that requires practice, maybe except the bass. That's still a part I blame on my family. If they'd invested any money on my hobby there, maybe today I'd be a hit bass player act somewhere in the MENA or something. That wasn't on me that I had outgrown my bass and for years I was asked to work with the same one. 

That's another thing with my family and my fucking growth as a professional. They'll invest in skills or resources if the "family can use it". Oh, a professional camera? Let's get you, so we can have birthday shots. Do you need an iPad? Next time your mom wants to play music on the go maybe we can use it. There's never been an approach towards working on "you" as a person. The goal was always "us" and never the children. Most Indian families go all out on their kids. Everything common between most success stories today is ruthlessness from Indian parents in making their kids shine through. Oh, you need a partner? Here's our sanction, go marry. Okay, you need a house to work from? Here, take these keys and start. I've had my share of things granted to me- most of them were edible and lasted less than 20 minutes on the dining table. The focus of providing for things worked differently, perhaps cause of the family background. You can't fight your roots, you have to accept them. 

I've never been a fan of January or February, well not in the last 18 years at least and that's more than enough to claim "never". I can't wait to cry my eyes out all of this month and to mark the celebration, I'm posting this big announcement of being a fucking failure on 2/2/22. I hope everyone who reads this breaks their arm and crashes their car today. If it's not evidently clear, leave this blog alone.

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