Winter's gone on for too long

Sunday, January 16, 2022

I know Adam Levine sang that Summer's gonna hurt like a motherfucker, but man, did he not take into account the Winter that will suck balls? 

Let me explain. 

It's gone on for so long that I've had a break-up, a rebound, a whole misunderstanding when I realized the rebound was not required and the break-up wasn't a break-up cause were we even official? It's gone on long enough for me to adjust working on a smaller screen and hammer out 8 different pitches in a day. It's for another time that 7 of those got rejected and I am currently dragging the only accepted pitch to as a sliver of Sun in these gloomy days. I'm putting in more work than I need to and hurting my sentiments when my brain has to process the beautiful relationship stories I'm offered. "Did you guys have arguments at that stage when you weren't official?" "no, we never had arguments." 

Shit, fuck. That's probably why we're not working. We're fighting and pulling our armours out when this should be the best time. 

V tells me we need to meet and pounce on each other so we know it's just frustration. We should plan a vacation. Does he even want to meet? Am I wasting my time with someone who cares too little but claims he cares too much? I won't know until we see each other and feel the blood rush to different parts and dull our brain. I think we should pull the band-aid and get it out. It's hard and it's gonna hurt but we are hurting even now and who's to say we won't get better. The bleeding stops, eventually and the blood clots for us to reflect on the wounds. 

The Winter's gone on for too long. I can't remember the last time I was happy with him. I only remember the bits of intimacy. "I'll be busy through November with work and then there's the death anniversary. I'll need space. Will you be okay with that?" was once a deal-breaker for me in my head when I assumed he would flip if I disappear without any intimation. He said he'd be there throughout and the response freaked me out. I had hoped for a violent reaction to my sentiments of needing space but he stood strong through it. 

A week later, I went as far as saying I'm out of love and I feel nothing just so he'd understand it's not him and give me the space and the hate for us to get out of it. I can't believe that was something I did. Reflecting back, I wish I'd stuck my ground over those months when I knew this would end badly. Of course, we got back and we got back stronger than ever. Now, it is ending badly cause we could hold our stance. But not the Winter. This Winter isn't ending. For a season with shorter days, the whole fucking lifeform is moving so damn slowly, that it feels like I've lived a lifetime in the last two weeks. It really does. Is this how it feels like when you are forced out of your comfort zone? I've lived without it for so long that this brief support felt like a lifetime of love and I can't seem to wrap my head around the trick that oxytocin's pulling on me. 

I stare at the bed blankly, nearly three times a day, and wonder each time if I felt the same in the Winter of 2019 when I'd returned after losing my savings or in Winter 2020, after a freak medical episode followed by a family wedding followed by a grand disaster in a different city followed by getting out of full-time employment. It's that same sight, the same angle of the bed and the same question. How was Winter of 2021? I don't remember much. There were restless periods of grief and lots of silence. We didn't talk and whatever social interactions we were forced to carry out were all as a family, another reality I had to cope up with. What was a family going to be in the light of death? None of us knew. There was uncertainty and silence. It feels unbelievably similar this time around, except it's my personal weight. This is why I hate the winter. It brings out everything from backburner— emotions, grief, neediness and stench of moth balls in our clothes. 

Honestly, this should be no big deal. I've hammered my emotions out. Tried to make sense of my grief and what he brought and what he's taking away and all that. It's as good as over barring the intermittent contacts we've made with each other in our moments of weakness. I should be done with this. Winter's what, another month? My grief should outlast the Winter but in the current situation, neither is working. One of them needs to halt and reflect on the damage they're causing. 

We've been talking again. Nothing serious most of the times, but enough to leave me miserable for the remainder of time. Almost, every weekend or every 3rd day after the weekend when one of us feels like our head will explode if we don't reach out, we share a meme that the other will "like". That heart react on a meme, that double click of validation and hoping they smiled looking at it, that is such an upper, man. It's mad. 

I've devised a way out of it, where I send everything to V and tell him it's not for him since he knows exactly who it's for. Except, my brilliant idea forgot that V and I have a certain equation, the one that doesn't involve kink sharing and opening up our lives like partners or anything. I succumbed horribly and ended up sending some in an exchange over the last two days. "Have you made a decision or is this a moment of weakness?" I asked and it was, indeed, a moment of weakness.  

Moments of weakness add to hourly mental damage. Whatever progress I'd have made over 7 days, goes in the trash the minute my phone shows a notification. Yeah, yeah, I know I can mute/unfollow/block, and believe me, I've done each of those, across all platforms and done things I'm not proud of, only for us to go back to it and get hurt all over again. Maybe I'm addicted to my own toxic behaviour. 

We did ask each other if we're toxic. That was exactly the first conversation in probably weeks of being cut-off and I knew at that moment, the ice had thawed. We were willing to look at each other as concerned adults about our own behaviour towards each other and ourselves. Usually, the telltale sign of normalcy is when I'm told it's us against the world. There was none of that this time. It was all different. We take two dialogues seriously, and none of those were uttered this time. That did break my heart a little but mostly it felt like we had it coming. Again, it was unexpected but I guess life happens when we are least expecting it. He says it often, "when we are good, we are very good." 

It's true. The oxytocin that flows in my body knows it's like I'm floating on a cloud and anything is possible. In the last few weeks, I've not been able to do anything. I don't feel like eating and that's the biggest sign of things not working. My system is broken. Winter needs to end. He needs to leave so I can move on with my life and he can focus on his life that he intends on making big. We have no room for each other and dragging each other along like Winter is dragging my bones is truly the worst thing you can do to someone. That's not it. I need to stop clinging on when we've made a decision. I can't go back and have a cry and restart this again. It's more on me than on him. But some problems are out of my control. Like, the Winter. I can't control it. It needs to stop clinging on to me like I cling to him. 

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