Can't be left alone with my thoughts- year end edition

Thursday, December 30, 2021

We made it, another year. 

My end-of-the-year playlist has been the same since 2010, with lots of Miles Davis and then more. I've replaced it with Jason Derulo and Lil Nas X. 

That should tell you everything you need to know about me. 

I don't know what kind of year I've had. The highs were very high and the lows were rock bottom. Writing for publications I imagined at 15 and then getting dumped on Instagram DM, there's been no middle ground. I enjoyed most bits, including watching the whole Abbas-Mustan filmography over 4 days while my reports were fucked enough for the senior doctor to ask me to pray for my well-being. 

"Shouldn't we rely on science?"

"Prayers, too."

Aapko dawa ki nahi dua ki zaroorat hai etc. Imagine (dragons).

To say anything other than calling this year unimaginably unhinged would be a lie. I'm making the transition in the same way. Five hours with my old bookshelf and I lived through a decade of memories today- books I bought myself, books I was gifted by my (then) beloved, friends, the award(s) from college as books for academic consistency, a handwritten note that my grandfather gifted with the book when he went to the bookstore and put the advance down so I could read Deathly Hallows in time. 

I think looking at my old books was cathartic, and I finally realized when it all went down- when I stopped writing the date of purchase and my name in books. Growth for some, disassociation for others. 

This year I wrote. Not as much as I would have liked and not as much as I could have, but I did put out stories with my name down, felt like I served a purpose in taking a lot of important stories forward, and felt proud of myself, first time in a decade now. It was all me, all alone. No colleague, no partner, no friend, nobody and let me tell you, the feeling is unparalleled. 

For my next year, I want to hustle. I want the grind. I want to pitch harder and write every day of the year. Be aggressive, make a fuck tonne of money and be the best version of myself. 

Among other goals, I want to be able to binge eat less, cut back on processed food and sugar, and really pace myself to get back to the body I had in December 2018, jaw-dropping hot and unapologetically sexy. I don't know how that will be possible given the raging pandemic ensured I was on steroids and couldn't even cut back on my food with the medicines but I'd really, really like to be able to do that.

Basically, I got goals, newfound determination (courtesy an "I'm out" and lots of gaslighting) in being ten times more hard-working, sexier and competitive. There's a lot of anger and grief and I'd like to do nothing more than to transform that into tangible results about my life, my body, my self and my personal life. 

If you're an old-timer, you'd know I do a year-ender and write on the last day of the year. But tomorrow night I plan to be in the hottest outfit I own, best make-up and hair done. Gotta bid a solid goodbye to the year that was 2021 and honestly, it deserves. 

Jason Derulo tells me to talk dirty to him. Brb, more later. 

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