This *is* the first thing that I am typing from my new laptop. Made it into a momentous occasion by recording it here by typing it out. 

I've never had maternal instincts but given how I was shying away from using this machine all evening makes me believe it's been a good idea to be aware that I don't think I'll opt in to be a mother, if ever. I don't think I adjust well to embracing any new addition, and losing my old work machine felt like I'm putting a part of my heart to rest.

There was something on those lines I wrote a few months ago— losing a part of your life and hoping for it to come back before it's too late. That, somehow, did turn around the last time, but not for long. 

This time for real, it's been a goodbye to this machine and a few others along the way. 

Am I dealing well with this parting? Not really. PMS, hangover and yesterday's race results did not help at all. Heck, I'm not even making sense here and I don't think I like the feel of working on this new machine. The screen's smaller, the keypad too feels too condensed and then there's that emotional trauma of losing a machine that's seen you grow from a graduate student to someone who's been burnt out with work and PhD all together. 

There's a breakup, and there's break up; neither addressed, neither processed. 

I should be celebrating but the congratulatory messages feel like someone piercing through my skin. I'll never be a 22 year old looking at my first MacBook Pro feeling like I've achieved the world, everything I ever wanted was granted via that machine- first trip to Europe for research paper, first diploma film, PhD proposal, grant applications, first major byline, my grandfather's obit, my job application— everything came was via that machine. 

A few hours ago, I had the strongest urge to cry. I asked myself if speaking to someone would help, but truly couldn't think of one person who would hear me out howling about the people I've lost and the laptop crashing. It's not a big deal- Lewis losing his eight, me blocking out folks who don't match my energy and my adjustment in a world where a new work machine came out of inheritance/savings of a man I loved most dearly. And yet, sometimes, all you need is an excuse. 

MacBook Pro M1 14" is the reason tonight. Tomorrow, it might be you. Who knows?