Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Today has been harder than I thought. Too many things came back. I should have been equipped to deal with the relapse but this is how we roll. I'm full of rash, so fluid- summer has this effect. Everything around you just sways around in circles and you're left wondering why is it happening, more often than not too tired to question all that went past. My phone is full of unanswered calls, opened mails and texts that await some sort of reply. I feel like Hannah all over again although im Marnie when it comes to men. I threw Charlie away. I've recently found Gossip Girl which is like Therapy. Falling for Nate is useless. I should have known. Also, I know a real life Chuck Bass. Maybe, before the rains hit us this year. Maybe. An acquaintance's mother has been diagnosed with cancer. When I heard this, my stomach sank rock bottom. Something as harsh as Summer couldn't stop the sinking feeling of knowing the departure announcement's come. Another really close friend lost her father last week. The speed at which my friends are losing their parents is fucking alarming and mind numbing. I hate funerals. I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying anyway. I cried like a baby on my way to college yesterday to submit my dissertation. I cried thrice over the weekend when I was compiling the data and writing the body of my dissertation. This weekend was hell. I cried in the evening when I woke up. My throat hurts- excessive crying. Almost like a lump is stuck and I can't consume anything. Ever since afternoon I found out about my friend's mother's diagnosis I couldn't bring myself to react it to except, "shit". I don't know what to say. Anyway, words are mere instrument that cause havoc in our lives. Better to avoid them. Summer works like a charm making everything so dusty and forgettable. Uptight winter keeps us all active to fight the frost bites. But summer? It works in mysterious ways. You might be grieving about death, illness, exams, friends, love, life yet you feel nothing. Not a bone in your body that forces you to take any action. Not as much as writing coherent sentences for mass audience. My dissertation is so shoddy I deserve to be shot dead. Only good thing that happened to me in last one year is that. I could have dropped the year and cried about it. I cried about college but I have one solid product that I am taking away from here and no motherfucker dare stop me. I know how it feels like to be divorced and reunited. I know exactly how it feels to not believe in marriages yet hoping somewhere in your heart that you'll dance to Hard to Concentrate. Just like that episode from The Big Bang Theory where Howard just hopes for one party. He gets it and he doesn't. Syadasti syadnasti. It is and it isn't. I revisited an example with Clumsy Eater Friend today, something that Spinoza said but none of us remembered. Another criticism on a similar topic by St. Anselm that Russell theorized, both of us remembered that. We deserve to be shot dead because Spinoza is backbone of Western Philosophy. I've been listening to Stadium Arcadium for over two hours. I am failing photography viva. Don't know jack about fucking flash. One more year for masters to end. I don't want to pursue a doctorate. I don't know what I want. I want to make a show. Only three things seemed to really make a mark on me in the last month.

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers- everything- from the band chemistry, to Frusciante's departure. I cried for an hour last week after listening to Brenda's death song post friend's day's funeral. I don't know why but I did. I take things for granted. All of us do. I love Anthony Kiedis. He fought with his addiction and god knows what all. I just want to see them live once before I die. Once in my life, I want to see Peppers do the entire Slain Castle set list.
2) Gossip Girl- it's the most shallow piece of entertainment churned out by Hollywood but isn't that what they sell the show on? You love it, you hate it, you are at awe of it. It's a exaggerated depiction of real life, much like Girls. Girls is raw, Gossip Girls is polished. I've always adored Josh Schwartz and Lena Dunham recently but these two have managed to shake me up a bit.
3) Death/Illness- this guy, teetotaler, charming and very sweet. I met him at a party where we were the only sober ones. He didn't deserve this. Neither did two of my other friends. Nobody deserves cancer. No one. It's the highest form of cruelty that mankind needs to fight and find a cure.

I'm listening to Snow. Crying. Don't know if it's because I'm full of rash, stressed about viva or that I'm incapable of handling anything which involves sickness and death.

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