Tuesday, December 11, 2012

This post could have been reserved for 12 December, evening, perhaps. Or not.
I'm going to face an interview that may define the course of everything I've aspired for- in the last four years and it's perhaps my last shot at getting close to it. If the things do not work out, it'll probably end very differently than how I want it to be. Ergo, the end won't be what the means were aiming at. It never works that way.

A couple of days back, I was considerably drunk. It started out as a pleasant evening. I'd written my first final and it wasn't too bad. It exceeded my expectation. Naturally, it meant celebrations were in order. It doubled up when I checked my mail and saw the acceptance letter from yet another university that I applied for ten days ago. Getting acceptance in the span of time was an upper that I required at the point of time. Cutting a long story short, I decided to indulge in a little socializing and I would lie if I'd say I didn't enjoy it. I think I'm comfortable enough to enjoy little getting together with lesser known people. Makes me want to survive the rest of the evening as opposed to being stuck with the people I choose to be with at such places, more often than not.

Either way, I got home only to end up crying my liver out for a few hours- first in front of a friend on skype- making a fool of myself. Emotional drunk, the category I despise, I became just that only in the matter of a few seconds when I was chided for something silly. When I was slightly conscious, I realised, I'd achieved everything that I had aspired for, it's simply not putting it properly on paper what I wanted.

I wanted to escape. I asked and strived for admission in anthropology at several institutions abroad. I got that but couldn't escape- manage to get out of there due to my several reasons- some rational while other foolish ones from the list. I just wanted to go out and do things on my own accord.

Here's what kills me every day, little by little. I'd molded myself into a model child at college. The place and time where everyone goes wild and does act like a clown, I'd made myself into what they sought out. Again, selfish reasons. I wanted to get that offer letter from institute so bad that I ensured I attended every solitary class on each day, come rain or shine. I ensured my life revolved around my department, my class even if it meant killing yourself with work load.

I see no reason to continue leading a life like that. A lot of people have told me, this behaviour, or any for that matter is usually not for acquiring an end but for personal satisfaction. If that is so then I've failed at it miserably since I'm fighting battles in my head everyday- whether to be that model student yet again, do everything as desired or take things in the lazy stride that I want it to be in since there is no future I see for myself. I wouldn't say my dreams are shattered. It's too big a statement to make, honestly. I've everything at my disposal, a family that cares and enough funding to take a loan and get the fuck out of here the minute I want but the point is do I want it that bad now? It's like a tape set in my head that I play every morning when I wake up. I'm obsessed with the idea of getting this scholarship and going but do I want it that bad? Do I really deserve to be bestowed with this tag of representing the country? If it so then why have I become too lax and callous in life that I don't give half a flying fuck to what I am doing right now. I wanted this college and course nearly as bad as I wanted London, just when I was on the wait list for a month and now I am at a stage where it wouldn't hurt to even work as an analyst or just about anything since it's not even about the fulfillment of goals or 'studying' something that I want to do for a bit. Now, it's all about waking up and playing that tape in the head and doing everything in a mechanical fashion.

If not for myself, I really want this scholarship for my HoD. I cried a lot when I heard that she's really fond of me and thinks highly of me. I don't deserve any of this. Not with the person I've become here. I miss the last three years more than anything else. Given a chance between this scholarship or going back to college, I'd choose the latter any day. I want to work sincerely. That's all I want from life. Time to make changes- where ever I be heading towards. 

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