Prose before hos

It all became clear to me while I was waiting for the signal to go green. As I sat in the auto, cross legged to hide my striped underwear for becoming the reason for the driver to shag off later in the day, I was what scholars call it enlightenment. The underwear isn't exactly pretty. It's actually quite old and I bought several pieces in the same pattern and colour because I was mildly fond of the no-nonsense design behind it (no puns intended). Anyway, I had my earphones plugged to my iPad so had it not been for my slut summer dress, I'd act pass off as a corporate on job on Saturday. Outer-ring road's an odd sort of a place, with all the eunuchs trying to make some cash or just scare the living daylights out of you. I'm particularly wary of my belongings each time while I am there, while I am driving or otherwise.

Anyway.

2012 was the defining year of my life. Defining everything that a transition from a school girl to a college girl to a fucking thug entails. Leaving no stone undaunted to hide the fact,  it was perhaps the toughest year that I've lived (this inclusive of the time when my grandmother passed away and I was on a roll failing all my math and science exams in school). I disliked everything that I did. I graduated and hated the fact that I was compelled to leave the institute I then disliked and later loved, I joined work (again disliked and loved working when I found it was the last week), joined a grad-school that I continue to despise and don't think the moment of glory will happen here. I also met some cunt-holes that I call them friends, at moments. Don't confuse that for lifelong or a decade long shit. It's temporal for most. At the same time there were a lot of changes around me involving other people. One of my closest friend left Delhi for Hyderabad- job and our group sort of came apart. I seeked solace hanging out mostly with the people I played music with in college and forged connections everywhere as opposed to looking at the people I loved and still do, perhaps because of the space I was in, did not allow me to lead contrary lifestyles.

I can very comfortably say, fuck you to the world or the part that made me the way I was last year. I just missed being around with people who knew me inside out, with whom I could be the way I was when I was the happiest and now that they're back (yes, my friend got a transfer and she's back for good!) I do not need to look at anyone for anything.

I know, this could be Hyderabadi biryani, raita, biscuits from Karachi bakery and ice cream from London Dairy talking but I felt like I could do anything, in that brief ride home. I just needed my confidence back and I didn't know of all things that could help, it was a lunch with friends from college that would do that.



The rest of the world can go eat dung. I am positive.

To the years after 21, I promise, even if am jobless, wreck, out of a broken marriage or abusive relationship still, I won't be this miserable as I was until, well, today.

I got deep house, some whiskey and girls to last me a lifetime. 

For a rather long time now, I have actually been focusing on the work that I am suppose to be working on. Semester 2 is harder than anything I've encountered- dick or academically. It's worth all of my mental energies and the fact that I poured one third of what is expected in my dissertation this week is a proof to all that. 

That uncomfortable list where I talk about my insecurities and other issues that I hate addressing and become a recluse, mostly.

1. Having to listen to my music on shuffle. Can't bring myself to do it. I can't disturb the order of listening to my favourite song from any album without having to listen to the entire album. The world will crash if I disturb the order to please my preference.
2. Sharing my recommendations. One thing I take pride and absolute delight is knowing that I am the final authority (atleast for three quarter people) for friends when it comes to music, food, destination- pretty much anything that defines leisure. I can't stand the idea of letting these trade secrets go out. Credit? Them turning into hipster trend? All that.
3. Showing unhealthy amount of possessiveness. It's hard finding close friends who will stick around. No one does. No one gets that. The other party freaks out when they figure that I voted for them as our President. Scarred in childhood by being the second/third/last alternative for people, I have trouble letting people come halfway close. Either you're there or not.
4. Obesity. The belly's been there, ever since I can consciously remember. Fat people discrimination affects me more than female safety issue. Fat jokes make me awkward. Fat women rarely get looked upon, I told you, female security and safety is secondary. Curse a woman on her 'fatness' and see me never returning to answer your phone calls. Or not (return to point 3).
5. Mathematics. Numbers. Figures. Definite solution as opposed to something factual usually scarred by personal bias and objective (or subjective) judgement- DOES NOT APPLY HERE. 
6. Dying alone. This one's in a lot of lists. Only second to going swimming and dying in a bathroom. Not a phobia but a major cause of worry.
7. Having to listen on my ipod with someone. What if they judge me on seeing The Best of Savage Garden album in the ipod (I bought it. Paid money for it. Yes). 
8. Saving up little treasures. That eraser I bought in second grade from the new stationery shop after having visited the dentist lays on my study table in my sixth pen stand along with the smiley body Parker pen that my grandmother bought me from Aligarh. I can't bring myself to use small nothings (think stationery, badges, belts, shoes, outfits, cosmetics, jewellery) just like anyone else would. This one time, I saved the chocolate gifted by someone for three months, only having to throw out at the end of the tenure because ants were treating it like their motel.
9. Lending. Books, clothes, shoes, cosmetics, electronics, money. Strains relationships and causes a lot of hives on my hand.
10. Pushing people away. I am great at this one. The minute I feel someone's taken a fancy to me (romantic, asexual- any which way), I flip out, turn 360' degrees and run! I can't have the baggage to deal with. This has a domino effect on sexual things and causes mental havoc overall.
11. Vision. My body gets tied into knots just by addressing the topic. Can't. 

Do you, as a writer, plan your blog posts under the shower after a long day? I know, I do. Perhaps, because I lack an emotional blanket to hear me out at the end of each day- what went on, who did I torture and murder mentally,  discuss the times my car stopped on the way- all that. I refuse to believe that most people get past this daily by having it all bottled out. It nestles between my mind and keyboard- only to be manifested by painted, fat fingers.

March's always been a hard month. Hard because for the last couple of years I am always at my finest low. Either academics or people bring me down and that causes trauma and agony (specially exams). There is always baggage and to top it, fresh stock loads up only during fucking March. I don't wish to go into detail or make it sound like I've lost my limb or my boyfriend died (none of which happened so far). I need to put an end to introversion- as an activity on daily basis that I have started enjoying, much like driving. It involves a lot of thinking and some external participation which is generally tolerable as they are not directly meeting me.

I have lost my chain of thought but I wanted to talk about the upper hand in the scenario of breakup. Of episode 5 & 6 of Girls, season 1. Marnie's indecision towards her nice boyfriend, their breakup, them getting back together and her dumping him. Isn't it saying something?

Like a friend said, I should stop watching Girls and move to Modern Family.

At some point, on this page, I announced how I cannot bake a cake to save my life. It's time to announce that I've overcome the devil and now I can do mean icing as well.