A brittle pie shell

Sunday, March 10, 2013

That uncomfortable list where I talk about my insecurities and other issues that I hate addressing and become a recluse, mostly.

  1. Having to listen to my music on shuffle. Can't bring myself to do it. I can't disturb the order of listening to my favourite song from any album without having to listen to the entire album. The world will crash if I disturb the order to please my preference.
  2. Sharing my recommendations. One thing I take pride and absolute delight is knowing that I am the final authority (atleast for three quarter people) for friends when it comes to music, food, destination- pretty much anything that defines leisure. I can't stand the idea of letting these trade secrets go out. Credit? Them turning into hipster trend? All that.
  3. Showing unhealthy amount of possessiveness. It's hard finding close friends who will stick around. No one does. No one gets that. The other party freaks out when they figure that I voted for them as our President. Scarred in childhood by being the second/third/last alternative for people, I have trouble letting people come halfway close. Either you're there or not.
  4. Obesity. The belly's been there, ever since I can consciously remember. Fat people discrimination affects me more than female safety issue. Fat jokes make me awkward. Fat women rarely get looked upon, I told you, female security and safety is secondary. Curse a woman on her 'fatness' and see me never returning to answer your phone calls. Or not (return to point 3).
  5. Mathematics. Numbers. Figures. Definite solution as opposed to something factual usually scarred by personal bias and objective (or subjective) judgement- DOES NOT APPLY HERE. 
  6. Dying alone. This one's in a lot of lists. Only second to going swimming and dying in a bathroom. Not a phobia but a major cause of worry.
  7. Having to listen on my ipod with someone. What if they judge me on seeing The Best of Savage Garden album in the ipod (I bought it. Paid money for it. Yes). 
  8. Saving up little treasures. That eraser I bought in second grade from the new stationery shop after having visited the dentist lays on my study table in my sixth pen stand along with the smiley body Parker pen that my grandmother bought me from Aligarh. I can't bring myself to use small nothings (think stationery, badges, belts, shoes, outfits, cosmetics, jewellery) just like anyone else would. This one time, I saved the chocolate gifted by someone for three months, only having to throw out at the end of the tenure because ants were treating it like their motel.
  9. Lending. Books, clothes, shoes, cosmetics, electronics, money. Strains relationships and causes a lot of hives on my hand.
  10. Pushing people away. I am great at this one. The minute I feel someone's taken a fancy to me (romantic, asexual- any which way), I flip out, turn 360' degrees and run! I can't have the baggage to deal with. This has a domino effect on sexual things and causes mental havoc overall.
  11. Vision. My body gets tied into knots just by addressing the topic. Can't. 

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