I have this friend at work; she's great at personal questions. I mean, for real, I don't think she knows this but she's led me down rabbit hole each time our conversations transcended work to personal life boundaries.
This evening as we were ranting to each other and I allowed her to see me in a more personal light than ever (third-degree yearning, yawn) she called me out in a way nobody lately has, not even my therapist;
"See you say you don’t get emotionally invested but you do too,"
COURSE I FUCKING DO.
I'm just surprised people don't see it as easily as I feel it. Someone recently called me a softie and the way I ran away from that interaction, only I know it.
Sometimes, you just need to know and keep it to yourself that I'm a yearner, and not call me out on not being one or being one.
It's made me sick all evening, thinking what she asked me and what I admitted on call.
"Do you think this is the weather or just you feeling it for real?"
Man, she needs to consider a career in therapy because I haven't considered pausing that long before answering since my last session with a professional therapist.
It's not the weather, I know, well, not all of it. It's also me. I am feeling the gaping hole in my heart and despite best attempts to fill it with hobbies, people, passions and overworking the day job till it kills me, some days it just aches for plain old familiarity.
This is me sounding like the guy who I called out for wanting to be with me cause he is a nymphomaniac.
"Well lust isn't the only factor. I mean, it's the top factor but it's not the only one though its an important one"
We all just know and yet we say no.
Dating is a little bit like clown show and I like a wholeass Ronald McDonald or clowns in sewers, bad for you but oh so easy to read.
I just miss the familiar, you know where you know how someone's gonna hurt you and how things will unroll. As much as I don't have another talking stage in me, I also don't have another new heartbreak in me.
Break my heart in ways I know so I know how to put it back together again, yet again.
This whole new unfinished, unfamiliar and yet unsettling business feels like it's gonna make me sick and be more aggressive and arrogant to people around me (actual words uttered by business professionals during two professional calls labelling me so).
Man, I'm so sick, like physically sick and mentally exhausted that I went down another rabbit hole reading up about everything that went down with Taylor and John and it was severely underwhelming. Sometimes it is what it is and there's nothing more, nothing that deep.
All I want to do is deep dive and go down on devil and get to the details but alas. All I have is a pathetic little beating heart and unmeasured quantity of anxiety that I don't know where to put in the absence of adoration for anyone besides men who write music to express disdain after being wronged by Taylor Swift (John Mayer will never beat yearner allegations and neither will I)
Ovulation is INSANE.
