Prose before hos

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that could have been you if you did not spend all that time hating on the right-wing and JNU administration did not fuck your fellowship application over. 

Me: That could have been me if you had completely funded my admission to an Ivy League college as opposed to leaving me to figure my own higher education plans out.

Dad: ...

Me: ...





Yeah, should have thought twice about dropping out of that PhD that my life now resembles a fresh meme format on Twitter.

Probably, never will I understand why and how people react to things.



In the middle of watching "A Death In The Gunj"


A- This is Om Puri's last film. He looks great.

Man Friday (MF)- WHAT? OM PURI IS DEAD?

A- Dude he died long back. Like November 2016 type. What's wrong with you?

MF- I HAD NO IDEA. WHEN DID HE DIE?



On the middle of the road.


A- "This Hao Shi Nian Nian was owned by Jagjit Singh. I don't know what happened after he died."

ChatBot- "WHAT? Jagjit Singh is dead? I actually liked him."

A- "Dude he died like long back. Some couple of years ago. Why do you not know this?"

CB- "WHAT? MY LIFE IS A LIE. NO ONE TOLD ME THIS."



Whatsapp conversation

A- "HAHA I will never understand why people don't know Kader Khan is alive."

BCB- "WHAT? KADER KHAN IS ALIVE?"

A- "I literally just tried making that point and now you?"

BCB- "Oh yeah, I had no idea. I thought he was dead."

A- "Kader Khan is alive. I won a bet last year against my mum. She also thought he's dead. He's very much alive."

I have this friend who's all kinds of pretty. You probably know of  her, if not her directly. This friend and I have spent many a long Summer days trolling each other, after helping each other get over the respective (might I add multiple versions of) loves of our lives. 

She's seen me through smoking myself to death mouth ulcers phase. I've seen her through justifying and rationally explaining a break-up present. 

"I'm demanding a pen drive because I've lost mine. What do you think of it?"


That, there, was my first taste of being dead inside, but savage outside. 

This dead-inside business is amazing. On a spectrum of Narendra Modi cheerful to Arvind Kejriwal upset, you're one step short of serious therapy and one step under a straight face towards life. 

You know everything about you is crumbling down. Nobody can help you sleep at night (not unless you search memes for an hour on 'gram). You barely get by a day's work without referencing to suicidal memes or being sullen. It's a bit of a paradox. You can explain dead inside in memes by invoking the dead inside memes. 

Hard to get? Here's a cheatsheet. 




The ones who face your ferocious dog - No person in their right mind should bond with our pet dog. That's a suicide wish granted.
Last month, a friend dropped by. She insisted on playing with the raging monster. Our monster, who's not seen any human company besides the members of the house attempted to kill my friend. She (dog, not the friend) barked her liver out. She also attempted her best to literally eat my friend alive. My friend was unfazed. She had plonked herself on the floor of my room and played with the beast for about half an hour. By which time, I dressed for the evening out that she had come to pick me for. I don't know how she survived.

tl;dr - If they like your dog, they're dead, inside and outside.



Eating Vegetarian Meals - This is a wee bit unfair on the vegetarian dead inside fellas but if your meat eating, carnivore of a foodie friend willingly orders a Soya Kebab or insists on grabbing Rava Idli with you, then they're most definitely dead inside. People would like to put Sabudana Wada in the same category but I choose to disagree.

tl;dr- Last meal before death? Gol gappe.



Run to the Hills - Back in college, this man (name on demand) boarded a bus to the hills, because why not. Here I was, desperately trying to cram last minute headings of how ribbon microphone is superior to the rest,

"Listen, do you have previous years papers on you?"

"Um what? I can't hear you."

"Where the fuck are you? Are you out partying?"

"No, er. I'm inside a bus. I'm headed to McLeodganj."

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THE EXAM IS IN 12 HOURS ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU ON COCAINE? DID YOU SHOOT HEROIN?"

"Hello? Hello? I can't hear you."

This friend landed back after an incredibly stupid trip and attempted to board a bus almost each time before each exam. Heartache, ladies and gentlemen, is a real bitch.

tl;dr- Book me a ticket to hell cause I'm dead inside.



Slap their loved ones - This is kinda liberating. But tricky. Since you're dead inside, you are always on a lookout for company. Apparently, slapping the living daylights out of people does not help. Neither does taking spontaneous trips to Jaipur. However, one should always try. No guarantee of whether your relationship will live or will it also be dead inside after you slap. At your own risk, people.

tl;dr- Slap precedes death. If you die, you die. If you live long enough, you'll learn to slap better.



Run to Rajasthan- On more than one occasion, people I know have run to various parts of Rajasthan. Locking themselves in a hotel room is said to be great for productivity, after you've been absconding from Delhi, without as much as a word. Or taking a swim. Or hundred. This one time I pulled a disappearing act and landed up in a hotel room in Rajasthan, Man Friday was concerned for my well-being, enough to call me on the hotel landline and talk me out of it. La dolce vita.

tl;dr- Sighseeing is crucial to being dead inside.