A big red candle, two thin pink candles and one medium-length powder pink candle— all worth rs 60, just to show I'm grateful. 

I cried, not because you hadn't texted me in almost a day, or that we hadn't had another heart to heart exchange since our first, but because my Instagram feed is weighing down on, "have some self worth"

I didn't come to you; I didn't knock at your door twice. 

You chose it. Maybe, it was a moment of weakness or irresistible pull to see if I still care and whether you still matter. You still do. But, I'm not an object to be played with. 

Here's the thing, I should not have taken my pre-period feelings seriously. I should have been cerebral on Friday morning, and yesterday. Instead, watching back-to-back, "know your worth" and "have some self-respect" videos are gnawing at me. 

I'm biting into the crumbs you're feeding me from the palm of your hand. Crumbs are over so now I'm licking your palm and you're getting the ick. I'm getting the ick. I can feel you flinch and withdraw. My heart feels weaker, I can't take another heartbreak with you. I cannot have you tell me to fuck off. 

I want to tell you to not hurt me. I want to tell you to be real, gentle. If this is you being real then I want to understand, who was that man who lovingly showed up everyday, how is it that the care is gone? I miss our tender moments, I miss you being there for me in silence, I miss feeling you, your protection. Instead, I see a man who is not here for me. He's here to feed himself. 

I feel like a liar. I'm walking, smiling, talking, and I feel broken. I can't tell anyone you reached out. More like, I don't want to tell anyone. I don't have the heart to listen to "well-wishers" and their sermons. I want you to call me out lovingly, like you once did, like you used to. I want to be able to call you by whatever names I thought. I want to be able to tell you all the things I couldn't. I got new earrings, I got new perfume, my work is sucking balls, I have bought outfits for the family wedding, I discovered new burger places, I know where to go the next time we meet, I want to be able to meet you without overthinking life. 

I want to be grateful. I lit a candle for you. I think the purpose of this life is to be grateful and keep repeating until you die. I can't wait for life to cease to exist for me, for I'm grateful for you, even when you've come as a lesson I am failing to understand. I lit a candle for you. I want you to be happy,  I want you to see through your fear. I won't hurt you. Just hold me softly. Don't let me go, you're going to be fine. I may or may not be fine but who cares for me. I'm a bad bitch, I'll see through it. 

I lit a candle for you, when I could have lit one for me.