It's the last long weekend before the wedding. We are officially entering into three weeks before go-time. 

It's also been three weeks since I blocked him, a thing I thought and believed I'd never do. I don't have to worry about what happens next. He's not the kind of person to extend his presence outside the most convenient option. Clipped our contact to a minimum because I promised myself I won't cry, and he still made me chase and weep. I didn't want to start a new year crying, but I did. I cannot carry this grief anymore. I have officially grieved as long as I dated him, maybe even more. The most upsetting thing is the hope, which has been surgically removed for good. 

In a way it's good, I'm looking at my life outwards. Getting out of the comfort zone. One day I'll find out he's with another person and happily settled with them. One day, I won't care. 

I got a job offer, first in nearly 3.5 years and I had nobody to tell that. I thought of him that evening, an hour after I was personally informed over a call and I don't know why I had the strongest urge to cry. A friend has told me that she believes I won't move on from him or my job because I'd rather stay in the trauma than take a chance into new things. I wonder how my therapist would view this. 

I've been operating on fumes, fury and calendar events. One hour here, two days there. I experienced my first flight cancellation, first trip cancellation, and first concert cancellation. I thought it was karma on account of blocking him. I'm givng him too much credit for an activity he would never wish on me. It would require effort, which he never wanted to put. 

I'm back on the apps, seriously. It's hilarious because it makes me affirm that I should have held on to him but it's okay. Life has to move on. We have to kiss ugly frogs to turn them into handsome princes. I hope there's no tongue involved. I'd rather swallow a fly than kiss a man. I feel so unlovable despite men on apps claiming otherwise. 

I've razor sharp focus on my career. I'm told this is a year that'll be all about love (lol) by several astrology woo woo folks. Well, I hope they're wrong because I intend to work like a donkey and rant like it's 2016. It's a decade since I made my personality about work and it's time we make a comeback— tie my self worth to a job and let it kill me. Bukowski said so.