Calibrating Stars

Saturday, September 07, 2024

At the cusp of 33, I've achieved so much and so little this year that it feels like there's been no movement when the rocket has actually run out of fuel. Agreed, most of this has not been towards tangible results but the lessons will go a long way, especially, the ones charted in holding myself together through really tough times. 

One of my biggest regrets this year is that I've been nicer than I wanted to; out of obligation and mostly to hold on to things that I know were bad for me to deal with. I should have said a lot more fuck you-s and walked out of things and situations that were clearly meant to exploit me and yet, I stayed till I realised I'm not terrified of those. Things I would have ordinarily quit or run away from, I embraced wholeheartedly and let my hands get dirty. Perhaps, it was to ask myself, are you really running away from it without trying or are you scared of failing again. That one belief to not give up, cost me a lot

I wish I had been more of my 20s self, but that version made her mistakes and it's time to make fresh ones. Maybe, in my 40s, I'd regret not telling enough people fuck off and hate myself for holding on to hope but today, it felt like the right thing to do. In no way is this over, but I know that I'm exhausting myself with all my repeated efforts and attempts to turn situations around where I'm not dealt with the cards fairly or even at a level playing field. This includes professional and personal boundaries being eroded and trying my best to carry on day after day. 

Earlier this year, I was suggested an astrologer. I suppose when you're a woman in your 30s who is without a partner, a child and a promotion, that's the most conducive socially acceptable idea to pass. I spoke to her over an email, broken WhatsApp text messages and two calls. At the end of a two-week cycle of trying to communicate with her, she opened up, "I've never seen stars like yours. You get nothing in life and whatever you do, it evades you. But, keep trying and don't give up."

For the first time, in a long time, I felt sorry for myself. I'd suffered major career setbacks, personal losses and a crack of support system in 2020 and I don't think I'd felt that miserable, as I did when I heard her explanation of what had been happening to me. According to her, this is the "golden period" where everything is fine and it's good. According to her, this is as good as it gets. Among other ominous details, she talked about being childless; but in a way that I try for it and that doesn't work. "A lot depends on your partner's stars and whether he has kids in his chart. You don't."


I didn't need to pay thousand bucks to be told what I know about myself but hey, this could have been a dissatisfying meal and it wasn't. 

The few friends I shared this information with lost their shit at me, or asked me for her contact details. I think that's also what happens when your friends are having a bad time and don't have any reasonable explanations for the same, while the others put together their lives. I'm not saying either is wrong; just whatever shoe fits you, there will be no questions besides ownership of the said set of footwear. 


When my mother found out, she was livid. She tried to recount multiple instances of how astrology and astrologers are farcical and proceeded to bring up the convenient example of the last instance when I'd attempted something as silly around a difficult moment in a relationship. A woman I spoke to when I was in shambles, about the guy I was seeing, had suggested that I was gonna end up with him. He broke up with me the same week and it was followed by a dating drought in my life. We've not come close to meeting anything I've remotely had serious life/future chats with but also, there has been nothing else either. 



The stars may have lots but apparently, they are unfolding the same goddamn things. I was approached by a man from many moons ago for a plan we made when we were young and I believed in him. Out of nowhere, bam, he tells me he'll be in the same city/country as me and how we should meet. It's the same godfucking guy, doing the same godfucking thing and turning the situation in the exact same way as he did in 2017, 2018 and left me in a place that was so dark that I'm where I am. On top of everything that audacity to say, "I hope it works out for you" when I brought up what's been going on with me and that I don't need his help/sympathy.


I'm told men respect men so talking about a partner may have helped ease the unnecessary drama but the response from folks in my life has been sickening, "you should have blocked him" is an equivalent to "you should have not been out in the night". Can't men behave themselves? Why can't I just be without having to block someone who doesn't touch my life in anyway and that the blame comes on me? I don't think stars have any answers for why men are the way they are but not one man is good enough or trustworthy to my existence here. 

I wish astrology had quick fixes on how to cure life. While stock market and stars behave the same way, I think the government having some control on stocks helps men more than women who believe in tides turning over when stars move. I'm begging them to turn in my favour and shine on me, just fucking once. 

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