A true marker of underthinking is living through hell and knowing you're walking towards the path of no return. Probably because my brain is broken due to severe traumatic events that transpired between 2019-2022 that I now resort to shutting the hell down beyond permissible stress levels. If I was already maxed out in the past few months, I am now in a state of blissfully checked out of my own body and life. If I could tell you, without killing you, the details behind the scenes, you'd be amazed. My biggest point of concern currently is that I ate a greasy Italian meal when I'm kickboxing in the am. Basically, this is dissociation and I'm a fucking master at it. I sign out when my life gets a little too much for me and focus on whatever requires my immediate effort. 

Earlier today my medicine doctor asked me casually if I'm okay. It took two words for wounds to show up in the form of tears and actual sniffles when all we could have done was settle for "it's stress". She did say tho, I'm overthinking and that everyone in the country in my generation is doing the same so that was helpful to know I'm not alone. Just people I haven't met or known are dealing with the same. Cool, cool, cool, cool. cool. 

I knew about a month ago my whole life was about to change again when I was writing affirmations on what I'm grateful for. Somehow, at the back of my head, I knew it was too good to be true. I listed areas of my life that looked wholly clean and sorted and knew this is not going to last. Of course, the six planetary alignments came and wrecked. 

Truth be told, the planets are just softening the blow and really, this deserves the drama and pomp and show. I was perplexed about two months ago when some stuff went awry in my personal life that this is uncharacteristic timing for shit to go bad but here I am now. In hindsight, that was a cakewalk. Or in the words of my doctor, you need to forgive and move on. She should consider being a therapist over the specialisation she has in medicine because god she's good at what she said as a pep talk to my crying over narrating my last experience with a gynecologist. "Forgive them, move on," famous last words by my doctor for my other doctor and a man who broke my heart. 

I actually wanted to come out here and acknowledge an old post from my first job, that I did on a hot summer's day during my last Pepperoni Pizza phase. I have phases where I obsessively consume pizza from restaurants and I didn't think I'd have one of those again but in the words of my professional Astrology associate from this year, "It's a strange year!"

The pizza phase usually has bucket lists that go in all wild directions so if you're here looking for my birthday wishlist, I'm afraid you're in for no luck. That stuff is only shared via personal communication so if you're lurking for that, text me and I'll share the link because I do have a wishlist that is somehow getting more serious by the minute. 

As for the bucket list for the next five years: 

• Get a job that pays me enough to walk into a Prada store and buy a pair of sunglasses (I know they're all manufactured at one spot, please spare me the eyes to be better than buying something designer off the rack and a pair of sunglasses at that, it's just my thing, let me have it my way). 
• Get a job that pays me 60 LPA in content. 
• Get fitter and leaner. Pick a style of workout/exercise and get better at it.
• Don't bawl when someone asks "Are you okay? you don't look okay?"
• Find someone who loves me for who I am. 
• Find someone who will stick by me for who I am. 
• Find someone who wants to be there for me, for the person I am (even if it means he's there for my 60 LPA). 
• Adopt two cats and name them Shah Jahan and Shah Rukh. 
• Learn to make my favourite veggies the way my mom makes. 
• Learn to pickle and ferment, from my mom's recipes and then from Korean restaurants I fancy. 
• Double my stock investments. 
• Actually, forge a fucking career path. 
• Have my finances sorted to the detail. 
• Have a semblance of my personal life that looks like something I've made in my own time and space and not out of a pity party or desperate decisions at the last minute. 
• Focus fully well on my priorities- family, health, finances, love and friends. 
• Move out and move to a place I want to move to. 
• Stick firmly to my boundaries and not be vulnerable to the situation and people at play. 
• Consider motherhood with the right partner, if all the above align. 
• Karaoke at a bar with my best mates and fully be embarrassed. 
• Get into the skin of gaming and have fun while I'm at it. 
• Visit Japan, Italy, Turkey and Kashmir. 
• Find a person who will want to travel with me and let me plan the trip. 
• Have real good sex. 
• Consistently get laid. 
• Focus on myself. 
• Get a job I love. 
• Get a side hustle I can do while I'm asleep. 
• Write a TV pilot. 
• Work in events/Delhi culture space.