Brain Dead

Thursday, December 17, 2020

 I have known that grief affects your day-to-day but somehow, it's always surprising to see/experience the amount it affects. It could be something as simple as giving an incorrect phone number (no less than your Emergency contact) and realizing an hour later, about the fuck up. It could be setting up your PayPal account, involving two whole friends in the process and one whole blocked bank account later, to realize the sheer stupidity on your part. It could be streaming All I Want For Christmas on repeat through the day. You get the point? 

Speaking of Christmas, it's unreal the number of people who've reached out to send me goodies (baked kind) and to them, I just want to say, all I want for Christmas is cash and Toto Wolff. Bank transfers will do too, only if I don't accidentally block an account and give you incorrect bank details (guilty of having done this because I'm truly brain dead). 

My point being, I have no idea how I'm supposed to get on with it or get my shit together when I'm so far away in pieces, disintegrated and crumbled. A part of me just wants to stop, switch my phone off, and switch my life off. The show's over and the curtain's closed, good night and good luck. I have admitted this a few times now, had it not been for F1 this year, I'd have positively tried something drastic. There's nothing keeping me alive barring fucking F1. 

The other part wants to get closure; get the pending payment, send the invoice, fix that PayPal account, ask that cunt, why he's gone off the face of the Earth. 

There's peace in seeking closure, despite the immediate pain in attempting to gain it; there's a curiosity in shutting yourself off. Is that man who was so into me this past Summer still into me? Should I write a long, elaborate personal essay and send it out to him explaining why I couldn't give him all that he offered to give me? Is that selfish? Perhaps it is. 

Curiosity never ends well, hence I play dumb and walk past so many instances of when I should perhaps ask out loud and get some sense of an ending. I don't cause mostly it's not worth it. People leave crumbs for you to pick and when they don't, it's often not worth the effort. 

Case in point, someone who I was madly into and his patterns, and the little tryst we had today after months. He reached out to me and my first guess was that this was a result of his drunken night that led to relatively early morning and thus his sloppiness. It seemed like no time had passed between us, except I wasn't in the same time zone and thus, quite aware of the antics. I asked him and he answered just the same. He was drunk from the night and had an early morning, which led him to this and to me. 

People are easy, foolishly so. They let themselves out and all you have to do is observe. Observe until you know what makes and breaks them. 

God forbids you meet one of your own kind, someone like me if you're me. Then there's immense negging and immediate personal attacks to break you down. I know this because when I meet my own kind, I come undone. I've lived through it a few times and I'm not proud of how sloppy I get in the company of those where they're playing the same fucked up game as me. 

I've learned a lot and there's more to learn. On priority is how to avoid people like me, set up a PayPal account without wanting to go bald a la Britney Spears from 2007, and not writing a 1200 word essay to seek apology from a person whose heart I seemingly broke this Summer. Enough for him to abandon a passion project he was most excited about. I blame myself every minute of the day. 

Don't be a conscientious fucker. Just be heartless; much like the cunts who did the same to me, without sparing a thought for me. 

You Might Also Like


Hos in Different Area Codes


Stalker Count