Wasting Love

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Snippets from today:
I hate hate hate writing anywhere between 19:00 - 22:00. I have the worst output and I write garbage. I want to go back to writing at either noon or early evening, say 22:00 and wrap up by 01:30 am latest. Howwww do I push myself to do that is beyond me. 


I can't believe my hypocrisy touching new heights daily. At 17:00 you'd hear me say, "man, my sedatives aren't working." and at 20:51 after a mug full of potent coffee, I'll be scoring a Diet Coke and wondering if now's a good time to try Energy Drinks (fact: never had one). 


Speaking of sedatives, we've officially hit the point where my close circle of friends and I discuss medicines. Case in point,

"When do you sleep?"

What do you mean?

"You've been up at 5:27 am and then up at 9 am liking my comments. Do you sleep at all?"

Yeah, I mean, I am trying. I decided to take things in my hands and pop in an anti-anxiety you know. 

"Which one?"

I can't remember. 

"You took it last night?"

Yeah, wait, I can't remember what it's called. 

"Is it Alparax?"

No no, this is anti-allergy,  anti-anxiety sedatives; all rolled in one. It's potent af.

"What is it called?"


"Oh dude, my ex-girlfriend used to take that. She had bipolar disorder. Doc had prescribed her for that."


"Yeah, she'd take one and won't move for hours. It would knock her out."

Yeah, now imagine that. I've had times where I've taken one and been in bed for two days. Last night, I popped one at 12 and was staring at the ceiling till 5 am despite not being on the phone. 

"You should take a stronger dose."

I mean, can you imagine, this is who we are? Old enough to discuss sedatives and dosage like it's normal? 


I read someone's comment on dating a man who likes you back. Been thinking about it all day and wondering how to hit that blessed stage when it's inherently comfortable to date a man who likes you back? Like, at what point do you allow yourself to say, he's not a freak. He's a normal guy who likes you and you should allow him that especially since you are fond of him. 

Last evening, someone I was vaguely into (and the feelings were mutual) reached out to me after a hiatus (I'd said we needed a break). We had a heart to heart about where we were and then some on my (un)timely intervention to call things off, things in the making. There was a lot more, far nicer, kinder stuff that was directed which I'd keep to myself but largely it was everything that hits my insecurities the most. Of allowing someone to be in my vicinity and being okay with letting them be affectionate. Then there was some more on how we should give it a shot and how he wants to be with me among other things. I think I am far too terrified and far too cautious at the sight of companionship. The minute I see someone drawing close for anything other than a quickie, I freeze and the worst part is, I don't want to. Defense mechanism unlearning tutorial on YouTube, anyone?


I have always enjoyed Bhel Puri but never quite had the stomach for it. A friend (whose name on the page I can't remember) had told me ages ago how he can't digest chaat despite liking it and I'd judged him hard. I mean, who can't digest chaat living in (North) India? 

Turns out, I've confirmed that Bhel Puri and me, we're not meant to be. I can't for the life of me digest it and I felt grossly sick after eating a bowl full of it earlier this evening as dinner. So much for all my cooking expeditions coming hit. 


(Title reference; track of the day)

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