Adulthood, in 5 minutes

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

I grew up when she eye rolled, snapped back at me for asking a question and then another, at a meeting.

When I replied with the name of the destination, and she chided by saying, "that's not what I mean by 'where we're going!'" (I was told a rose by any other name would smell just as crap as your behaviour but here we are.)

With another eye roll, I was old enough to understand that money doesn't grow on trees. It comes from taking shit from people who consider themselves superior. Just because they're born in a certain class, in a certain family and you're not. Fuck everything they told you at the Value Education class on hard work and loyalty and other virtues.

That a part of growing up involves working under someone who checks the list for being bad to the waiter, the equivalent of those in other spaces you encounter together. (I still don't understand, that man's not on your payroll to take your shit and yet you'll insist on giving it to him so mercilessly.) The Ethics lectures are coming live as I tell myself, "Ethics won't feed me my luxury or the lifestyle I'm used to." The money will. And babe, that money's gotta come if you adult well.

With every incorrect name she called me by, insisted I give up my private number to a team of corporate hos on my behalf, without letting me speak for myself, I grew up. I aged when I saw her use me to extract stuff on her behalf, on maintaining bad blood with people she couldn't afford to with her name.

I became old infront of me when I allowed them to treat me like crap. Time after time. To yell at me when it wasn't called for, to blame me for not taking complete orders when I was supposed to be an equal stakeholder. To abuse me, to tell me that I'm illiterate.

Or when they rolled their eyes after they missed giving out the instruction and put the blame on me, "I told you so."

No you didn't. Nobody did, you twat.

You are stronger than what you believe for yourself to be.
Every minute of the day, I question myself if that's true.

Then I think it is. I see the reflection of the same in my ageing, my crowfeet and my candour around you.

And then I see myself reacting with nothing at all. To nothing at all. Except maybe I hope the worst for you, but only until I realize it will backfire.

I prefer responding in silence, to your jabs, eye rolls, sarcasm and unnecessary garbage which deserves a book of rants, edited by me ofcourse (because it can be done in 2 minutes only and I should take that kind of time out). Because, I wasn't as priviliged as you. Because I wasn't given the good fortune of taking my priviliges and rubbing it in the face of someone with a brain of its own. Grapes might be sour but I would never, ever do that. Maybe that's why I'd not make a successful entrepreneur.

And I hope to all things in the universe that I never become you. Despite the uncanny similarities I see in the two of us, I hope with all my heart and might, that I never quite become an obnoxious individual like you.

Someday, you'll know you've been a real dolt. And it'll probably be too late. I can't wait for that day.

Hope it arrives at your doorstep real soon.

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