You Know You Love Me

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

My academic advisor successfully taught me one thing about writing- and that is- don't let your work be dated. Much like me, she's trained in the craft of filmmaking and thus, as an academic, she knows how critical it is to produce something out for everyone, which doesn't age or have a time earmarked on that piece.

Given how blogging is perceived to be a certain kind of writing, it's hard to then, keep your work relevant.

However, if there's one great work of art (as in the written word) that adds retains snobiety, while keeping the work relevant is Gossip Girl.

Yes, I love the show. I have no fucks to give on how much you judge me for this confession, but god is that great fucking writing or what.

GG is a simple show, so to speak. If I've to loosely explain, then just know that everyone in the show sleeps with everyone. When they don't, they're in fabulous outfits making love to New York. It fits right in with all popular academic themes such as 'cinema and the city', 'existential crisis', 'po-mo', 'bourgeoise struggle'.

I'm not kidding.

Okay, fine. But they did make six seasons (when's the damn movie out?) of everyone sleeping with everyone and not an episode where you get up and say, "SWITCH IT OFF. I CAN'T TAKE THIS." They brought incest to television and made it totes normal, before Game of Thrones ever did.

GG is perhaps one of the rare shows where writing a blog as a premise can make and break things. But here's what. Not every TV show which trivializes fashion can use writing as a tool to scandalize the audience. Because technically, all that's happening is that there are people who fear this 'Gossip Girl' figure and go out and do stupid shit. I'm putting my best step forward in ruining the show for you but this is one TV show that probably will see the test of time.

Just as how any good blog should go, there's a lot to learn from this series (and its writing).

  • If Gossip Girl has taught me anything it’s that, not everyone can and should be Blair Waldorf, there will be Jenny Humphreys and Vanessas but you gotta do your thang. And stick your guns. There can be one Queen B and that won't be you. Thank you. 

  • Psst, you daddy's lil girl. I'm talking to you. Don’t be stuck up on wanting to be a princess. Not everyone manages to snog Monaco’s monarchy and that is OKAY. You can live without it. Just be a bloody Raina and move on. Nobody cares about you. 

  • Blogs and Bloggers make and break friendships, relationships. If they don’t, they are not good bloggers. If they do, you were never meant to be. I'm ever so proud of losing a few friends and foes because I once decided to be outgoing and trash them for the piece of shit they were. Ofcourse, we never got back to each other.

  • Unless ofcourse, you're Chuck Bass. Chuck Bass is everything. Let’s face it, it’s not Serena or Blair or even the lonely boy from Dumbo. It’s Chuck Bass and that, as you should know, is reason enough to have as your role model. Drop your panties. Chuck Bass with a dog is immortal. No blogger can pull that down. 

  • Following from Mr Bass to real talk. Never trust a man who can write. I’ve been getting that for many years but it’s only solidified in a year or so. If you’re dating a writer, run in the opposite direction. You don’t need their words in your life. If your girlfriend/wife is a writer, don’t leave your unpublished manuscripts in the open. If they’re anything like me, those will see the light of the day and how. Go Vanessa. I’d do the same with a great piece of writing and then head out to shoot a documentary on the Thai Orangutans. 

  • Ideologies are good but you know what’s better? Decadence. You’ll give up on ideologies as soon as you experience a 400 thread count bed sheet. I’m talking to you, Rufus

  • Speaking of which, people are fucking cunts. Don't try to win them over by cooking for them. Waffles don't help. 

  • People can surprise you. Most of the times for good. Let’s face it, if they surprise you for the worse, then you totally deserved it for not having seen enough Gossip Girl and knowing it’s about to hit you. 

  • Rules of feminism are farcical. Sleep with everyone. Your step brother, your other step-sister, your best friend’s ex and her current boyfriend. Your ex’s best friend who roofied her.

  • Having a threesome when all three know each other is possibly as bad an idea as masquerade balls. Don’t indulge in either. 

  • Let Lily Bass plan your party. Some people are naturally gifted. You should have a Lily Bass in your life. This blog's anniversary party card is loved by everyone. I'm Lily Bass minus her five and a half husbands. 

  • Film festivals are totally cool. Blair Waldorf approves, as does Dan Humphrey. 

  • Write about everyone- your sister, her cocaine dealer of a boyfriend, your step-mother, her husband and your step-sister/girlfriend, your dad, your best friend and threesome partner, your best friend and his ex. If you don’t then you’re wasting stellar writing opportunities. 

  • Where there’s smoke there’s fire. And Thorpe. And Jack Bass. Stay away from men in suits. Unless they’re named Chuck Bass. 

  • Don’t let any Jenny Humphrey tell you that you’re not cool. She’s from Brooklyn. I’ve met her counterparts in men who have said shit to me. It’s their insecurity that drives the venom. Stay strong and research the shit out of them. Bring them down and tell them off. 

  • if Lady Gaga doesn’t perform at your party then you’re not cool enough. We have to bring her to my blog party in the next ten years. 

  • Be mean. Georgina Sparks didn’t evoke Jaysus out of nowhere but she did put the fear of god in man with her appearance afterwards. Be horrible, your worst. Let people know you. I am yet to pick one character from Gossip Girl and say in all honesty that they’re good.

  • If everything fails, go shopping. There’s nothing that plastic money can’t solve. 

  • Have secrets. Lots of them. Tell different ones to different people, in permutations and combinations you can’t remember. Fuck your happiness. Self-destruction begins at home.

  • Always be ready to take down people in sequins. I love sequins and none of my friends gets why. You need to shine when you show people their place. 

  • If your family has political connections, you’re never going to get any. Case in point Rahul Gandhi Nate Archibald

  • In the end, love and fear your resident blogger. They love you just as much as you love eating cheese croissant and don't really mean a lot of harm, even if they've written shit about you. 
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll fight the urge to watch Gossip Girl on Netflix. Having Dan Humphrey as your spirit animal can be exhausting on days when you want to excel in academia but also want a social life. 

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