Monday, May 22, 2017

Hi Kiddo,

Frowning at being called 'kiddo', aren't you? Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but be prepared for that to be your nickname for the next five years. You're probably wondering how do I know this, who on Earth am I, and why should someone like you listen to a stray voice like mine? Give yourself a little time, you'll know the origin of this nickname soon. As for introductions...

I'm Snobster. 25 years old. I run www.snobster.in (a domain name you should have bought years ago). Nice to not meet you, because if I'd actually seen you, I'd probably be planting a slap across your face.

I've been on this page for 10 years. Sit down, buckle up, and listen to me. I'm going to attempt to change your life.

Let's start with the things that need your attention.

Your spellings and punctuation are not cool. In two years you'd be wondering why (and be almost convinced that you never did) use "Lol" or any version of that. Honey, it wasn't cool in 2007 and neither is it now. You don't need to conserve space, so hit the spacebar after you finish typing a sentence. Spare the "lol" and the "Hinglish" on this page. Stop trying to make it happen. Stop trying to make yourself happen. I guess you won't listen to me since you were at it for very many years.

Often, the best games are the ones where you have no game at all. The less you fuss about yourself, the better you'll be. You'll only believe it when it hits you a couple of mornings after a rendezvous with someone who you believed would change your life.

Speaking of which, men who you think are worth the world are as useless as the paper bag in which you buy vegetables from Safal. You'll need them for a purpose and that's that. For a short ride to carry vegetables from the outlet to your car. The metaphorical equivalent of that. Also, be more passionate about driving cars. You'll need it. Autos will get expensive and frustrating with time.

What? Why are you hiding your face? Do you not eat vegetables? You take the auto to go from point A to point B, don't you? It's absolutely normal to accept normal things such as buying grocery, pooping the said groceries out...yadda yadda. You get the drift.

You may think you're a mermaid or some ethereal creature (two shades too ugly) who doesn't get bothered by this shit or doesn't need a reality check but trust me, you do. You need that more than you need that tight slap.

Where were we? Ah yes, men. The delightful topic you're not willing to embrace.

Look, in no time, you'll have the attention from people you thought wouldn't know about your existence. A word of advice, spare the world the details about the many loves of your lives as you've prepared the speech and media to accompany that. No, that guy in long, shaggy hair isn't cool. Will never be cool. He's an arsehole. You'll learn soon.

However, about those pictures. A minute if I may.
That's the only thing you've done right. Be on your toes, snap as many people as possible. Snap at many people as possible. The pictures you take on your digicam with your newly straightened teeth? Those are called selfies and they will be a huge commodity in time to come. And you, my darling, would ace taking those. There'll also be jarring music written about it but please ignore. You'll outgrow that camera, then another and probably all those. But don't outgrow that habit of taking photographs, storing media and saving digital memories where ever you go- be it your school that you hate with the fervour or the numerous (!) institutions you'll be attending in time to come.

I'm sure you're waiting to hear all about school. As things come to an end, your school too shall pass. Those back counting days that you've got going for yourself? That's going to be very helpful in getting over the trauma that wreck of a place caused.

In the last 8 odd years since I graduated school, I have never looked back and said, "I miss it". Don't worry. It's entirely okay to hate the place, the people and even the body odour that place elicits. I'm sorry to break it to you, but you'll continue having nightmares of writing exams and not knowing anything (thanks to your maths teacher from grade VIII) and being stuck in a school washroom with no way of getting out. Would you believe if I did tell you that it was this morning at 5 am I woke up to that nightmare where I was locked in the primary school building and the toilets were full of turds with no water? I make sure I wake up every once in a fortnight to that dream. You'll have the fear of bad toilets and no toilets all your life, I feel now.

What's a school without the people? Better. But not in our case.

You, stay the fuck away from everyone. Look, in the library, there's this brand new copy of Age of Reason by this fella called Jean-Paul Sartre. I suggest you get your hands on it as fast as you can. You're going to not understand a lot of it, but the parts that you do, you'll love it. Fight the urge to steal the copy because you really need to get the fuck out of this school, as you will learn in time to come.

Has that wretched trip happened so far? I am not sure. If it hasn't then please, please, please don't go for it. You'll hate the mountains for the rest of your life. You'll hate everyone associated with that trip, including the women dancing in the moving bus who will throw up three hours later.

It has? Oh shit. You'll hate the mountains for the rest of your life. You'll miss out on ALL the fucking opportunities to take a bus and escape because you've seen hell, and courtesy school you'll forever hate the beauty that the hills are (or not).

Bad decisions also include skipping that camp/trip to Sri Lanka (because you ho, you'll love the beach so DON'T not cancel on that), colouring your hair (yes smarty pants, I know you're going for blue or shocking pink but you'll be in a different kind of shock at the end), Tinder (please don't listen to Mayflower when she tells you to download it- wait, you don't know who Mayflower is or what Tinder is but don't listen to her about an app which lets you meet people when you're bored out of...never mind). About that tattoo during the Commonwealth Games...don't roll your eyes at me. You'll hate it with a fervour in years to come. Besides, the artist isn't even that great. Wait and research. What? Research is fun.

Will you be bored out of your mind? Hells yeah. For the right measure. It'll make you want to write and write all banal details of your life for all these years. You'll date men (much to the disbelief of everyone around you, especially your mother, and you will sly write about them all- at all possible places). Spare your family the details.

Now the other pressing concern about your life- friends.

It's okay to wonder if you'll ever have friends who will, you know, like you and you will like them back. Or, for that matter, have non-toxic friendships where you'll not feel like murdering the other person. You're in for a ride.

The first person you'll meet and share your slice of cake with at college will be your person. However, a surprise would come in from the person who will smile at you during planting the sapling thingamajig. You'll be virtual twins. Yes, her. You think she's a privileged brat, don't you? A snob after you? Don't believe me? Wait and watch.

That girl in the ManU t-shirt in college? Her, she'll be your friend for life. She will fuss over you, mother you just as how your mother does. She will also be one of the few reading your blog and laughing over it. Remember to thank her for being herself. There are too few of them in the world and she is with you. Remember to be thankful for that.

That man you hate with fervour in college. He'll be easy to spot. Flexing his arms, carrying an umbrella and appearing for all entrances (a seat before you if you may). He goes by the name of Man Friday. You'll want to lodge bullets in his head, but you'll also have his back. He's everything you're not, so trust him when he tells you to. The world's not all that bad. I don't know why do you keep losing focus. This isn't economics class and you're not learning about missionary goods.

Beware of amphibians and other sea creatures who your friends don't approve of. They don't belong in your life, contrary to the popular belief.

But for that, you need to get out of school. A word of advice, stick to your school friends who hang with you online. They're not bad people. The rest are like furniture. Continue ignoring them and do your business on the side. No need to trust anyone outside of what your instincts say.

If your instincts say listen to jazz, study four hours a day and continue to crush on that man who's shorter than you (the same one who only wears pink), you do that.

If you want to quit chewing nails and stop smoking (yeah that will happen as well), you'll be able to do that. But you've to get after it.

What? I'm from the future. Of course, I know about him. And the other one who looks like a jackass (quite literally).

But who knows, in time to come, you'll fall back to your habits again.

I would tell you to think otherwise, not jump at every opportunity you get to prove yourself. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. You do not have to get every degree in the world and neither do you have to get a high grade everywhere. God knows where that person came from and what happened.

I remember you, creating this page, just as a device. A tool to distract yourself from not taking your board examination result too seriously. Oh, that's expected, yes?

You'll do exceedingly well. Only for yourself. The world will tell you otherwise. You'll pretend to not hear them but it'll leave a dent. It'll leave a caustic effect on your self-growth.

A dent so proper that for years together you'll continue to hammer one achievement after another, academic ofcourse, to prove how you've changed 360 degrees. How you've made yourself a smarter person.

Stop. For your sake.

I know you won't. Till you'll break down so many times that you won't have anything to offer. You'll be on the lowest low with nothing left to lose.

You'll have to stop. This isn't healthy.

52 in Mathematics is decent. As is 70 something in Science.

You'll continue to try to clean your slate into becoming a geek so big that you will flip at the sound of failure. Something, that I need to remind you, is okay.

It's okay to fail, fall down, tumble over. It's fine to lose everything you think you own and not know anything at all. Success isn't everything. Learning is. When you've stopped learning, it's time to go back and practice. You won't learn it anytime soon. I know it took me ten years to get used to that. I'm still struggling.

Here I am, you- I mean, this is confusing. Let me try again.

Here I am, at 25, still flipping over a result. My MPhil viva is due and god alone knows my mental health can't take the stress. I'm breaking out every hour. I'm snapping at everyone who's concerned. I've fought with people who care about me (to nudge me), I'm a wreck. I know you were when you started this page. Questioning, whether you'll have to return the iPod out of the goodwill if you fail mathematics board exam. Spoiler alert- I played that iPod today and it works just as good as it did in 2007.

And, it's because of you. And your unrealistic pressures to perform and demonstrate how fucking amazing you are.

I wish for once you could just give up, this whole thing of putting your act together. I wish you could disrupt things. Do stuff people your age do.

Instead of questioning, or writing or brooding, I wish you could just run away from your house or you know, fail a grade, or get a job on a farm or even go out clubbing and take selfies while you're wearing liquid gloss lipstick. Okay, strike that last one. Don't ever wear gloss lipstick. That's just tacky and you'll never be forgiven.

Just get off your high horse for once and see life from someone else's point of view. I know I want to do it today. It's hard being this anal about things, wanting things perfect to the last detail. It's hard being curt. It's not easy to want and demand things that people have no time to think about.

You know something? It's you and your choices who's made me this way. I wish you could take a break from whining, sulking and being sad. You're not sad. Life's not sad. You're surrounded by people who love you. By those who would go an extra mile for you, bake for you.

Measure your successes in life by how many people cook/bake for you. That's the only yardstick you need. No grade or division can determine what you are.

If you have people who have your back, despite your shortcomings, your stupidities and your whining, you are a rich, rich girl.

Yeah, what do I know? I'm no longer on pocket money or a strict regime of having a glass of milk every morning. How would I know what's it like to go to the school where everyone who looks at you, does so with some much contempt that you want to prove a point to everyone? How would I ever know of all the things you've bottled so tightly in your heart that you'd never allow anyone to see you for who you are.

Take time and let go.

That's the best I can tell you. Nothing remains as is and nothing matters for more than 48 hours. You either have a solution or the resilience to pick yourself back and give your best shot. Nobody knows it better than you- for you will prove every single time, how unkindly you take to failure.

There's nothing stopping you, babe. I wish I could be more like you today. Unabashed, full of yourself and so proper, If I were as cocky at 25, as I was at 15, I'd be giving KarJenners a run for their money.

Oh, wait. You don't know who they are. Well, they'll be relevant. Much more than Paris was anyway.

I wish I could tell you, no matter how hard life gets never feel sorry for yourself. But then you already know, only assholes feel sorry for themselves.

You're good to go now. Naini Kakkar will lynch if you if you show up without doing homework today. Or for the next two years.

Be good, be kind. Those will come handy.

See you in ten years!

(I'd have love to show you a glimpse of what you were at 15 but I know how mortified you will be, instead, take a picture from a moment when you're the happiest in the last few years.)

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  1. Lovely post! Very proud of you! I'll bake and cook for you anytime, always ready and always a pleasure :)


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