Dank Memes, not marriages

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I'm twenty-five years, six months and ten days old. At this stage, my list of acquaintances can be broadly divided into two categories:

1) People who are blissfully married/in serious relationships with a significant other.
2) People who tag other people in memes.

While it is of no relevance to point which category do I belong to, it's quite a stunning thing to see the internet grow up and call shots. I see my friends doing adult things and avoid throwing shade/being petty. It took 10 fucking years- from hiding cell phone inside their undergarment to striking a pose with their arranged marriage husband; all worth the 289 odd Likes on the Profile Picture, and 342 Likes on the Cover Picture. Trust marriages to solve it all.

Which is this great dichotomy, to my mind, that culturally affects me and mine. I want to be friends with my friends who are married and ask them about their day, their bedside table. I also want to hang with the significant others of my other friends. I want to be able to play with their kids and ask them if they learnt to spell orange yet (I had a real problem doing that). I do want to dine with them, have a glass of wine and ask them if the sex is good enough and if they're planning their next vacation to Langkawi or Leh.

I am incapable of making any conversation of relevance with people doing anything to their lives, except fucking around with their job/profession in some way.
Exhibit A- You work 14 hours a day without a weekend? Great, let's hang at 1 am over memes/coffee.

However, I want to be friends with people who courageous enough to enter this setup. But, I canna.
Exhibit B- You want me to meet your boyfriend and tell you what I think? Can we do that next week?

The thing about being friends with people who tag other people in memes is that their life is usually easy. They do not have a care in the world except for themselves. Stretching it to their parents.

You can come and argue with me that people who tag other people in memes could also be married/have babies and definitely be committed and I can tell you to fuck off. What commitment adults like me have to dank memes, people have with other people. I shudder to think what it's like for meme to reply to me. Imagine a living being sleeping next to you, on their half of the bed, and dealing with them unless you officially call an exit/one of you die on the other. As opposed to, sleeping on a bed alone, after having spent 1 hour off 24, looking at memes.

Some time back, I came close to a setup of having another person in my vicinity. It lasted a week or so until I realized that I cannot, for the life of me, be that person. Have one person for me and be their one person. For fuck's sake, I don't even tag one person all day on all memes. It's a different person every time. If I tag one person more than fifteen times in a day,  I am concerned about where I'm headed. The idea of being one person for someone other than being the person who they tag in their meme selection is just the most terrifying thought

I do not know how to share adult space with someone. With anyone. I'm capable of handling memes, tagging people to throw shade at them, reminding them of all inside conversations. Remember, that man you called over and he claimed to be a vegetarian and did nothing with you? Remember, that person you tried hooking me up with after I'd failed that exam. Those are the real test of times. Tagging in a meme is where I'd put all my money. Not in making a baby with a stranger, approved by mine and stranger's parental unit.

But then again, there are people younger to me, looking at me with disdain and wondering, "Dafuq is up with this woman?"

I look at the intern who sits right next to me at work and feel that at least four times a day. The intern's as young as I was, when I first joined a publishing house to slush manuscripts. I would pick conversation every day, and learn something about their lives, the company, the setup. Obviously, still tagging people in memes. When you're on the greener side of the grass- tagging people just like everyone your age, you think it's glamourous as fuck for people to actually allow themselves to be married to someone. When you enter that let's get married zone, you want to hold your tagging rights as tightly as possible. Not giving them away. I'm probably the only person who is envious of the freedom that the intern has. Six months ago, I was there. I was the unpaid intern with not a care of the world.

Here I am today, tagging people in memes and trying hard to care about my friends and their spouses. Still trying.

Maybe in the next 10 years we will all be on the same page. Less shade, more sharing of space. Until then, did you see the meme I tagged you in on 'gram? 

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