Till about eight months back, I'd return to this page fondly to write about things that would affect my life. To which degree, I can't say but anything that was remotely interesting in the course of my ordinary existence, I would always penn everything down, on the keys and never read it again. I treated this exercise like a daily writing routine, how to keep at it even when no one's reading/paying etc.

Cut to present. I have developed this I-can't-care-less attitude towards everything. Naturally, bass playing, writing and other pursuits have taken a back seat (or rather, out of the bus) and now it's purely mechanical, the instinct to survival.

Which is when, what happened yesterday, compelled me to write about and as delightful as it maybe, firsts of anything always are worth a dog year in a regular journal.

After wasting a considerable amount of time in college, discussing the proposal and shit, I wanted to get out and explore a part of the city that I'd never been to, before. It's unsafe, sure but reaps it's benefits. I hadn't seen N in a while and ever since he got off BBM, there has been no random conversations that define my relationship with him. At the same time, I wanted to encash the opportunity to hang around at the studio that is co-owned by him. Also, I owed the studio boys some biryani  and I was in the mood to be nice to someone.

N was kind enough to offer me a ride from the nearest metro station. He was also kind enough to let me drive his car to the studio. A day before this episode, I drove Innova through the day and it was one of the best spent hour of my life- the ride to college and back (and squeezed to meet Bambam in the middle, so in all a perfect day) which is why I wanted to try my hand driving N. Wasn't the best idea because not only did I encounter the most impatient people on the road but also the car stopped at every crossing. I couldn't get myself to balance the clutch and accelerator. Not just my fault but the car's ancient. However, N's Zen like personality made up for this. After reversing the newly dented Wagon R, he also reasoned out with the upholders of the fucking neighbourhood where the studio is situated, to let the car in.

So, in those 24 hours my firsts included driving a full fledged SUV, a brand new i20 (Woman Wednesday let me drive her car hours after the accident) and well, my first accident. I'm still reeling from the shock of not pressing the brake hard enough or sooner than it was.

The post is to essentially highlight the immense calmness and patience exhibited by N. I've only sat with men , ever since I started driving and by far, he's the most calm guy. That 20 minute ride was a combination of pain, embarrassment and irritation and N was as cool as an ice-cube. He was not only helpful but very supportive while trying to pacify me at the same time.  I was expecting the reaction to be a lot worse but this sort of episode shatters your illusions for good. I might live with a vision of banging the car into the door but it was something that I needed. Jolt. Not N's car, maybe.

 I pray to the universe to bless him with the multiple women he was crushing on (last when we spoke it was a married woman with a school going kid and Chitrangada Singh). When was the last time you had a first of anything? It is terribly exciting to do a first of something in your 2os as most of it has been explored during the teens and usually not lived fully.


On a completely unrelated topic, have you experienced this rush?

If I were to begin explaining it graphically, it would be where the initial phase is on a path up the hill, that which is all about getting to know someone. The thrill in listening to their stories about their relationship with the family, their quirks about glutton friends and the strange people they've encountered. This is the time on squeezes the sponge to make space for them in their life. Depending on how often one interacts and how involved both parties are, this stage seems the best out of the three. The thrill is in discovering the body, the writhing with each touch and getting to know the pattern the body jumps on. This is enjoying rhythm.
Second, is the line parallel to x axis which shows redundancy. Maturation essentially entails the comfort of breathing in together, spooning and knowing what the other likes and dislikes while starting to get livid about their little details that may or may not annoy you then.
Final stage is the decline. The fights, misunderstandings lead to lack of interest and consequently there is no attraction, forget love. This is painful for one doesn't want to leave yet it is painful enough to carry on.

In a different world, I am enjoying third phase with my cellphone and first elsewhere. Both are dangerous spaces.