Thursday, December 08, 2022

I love December. I loved December. I am triggered. My imperfections triggered me. My anxiety is driving me mad. My colleagues are driving me mad. I have unanswered questions on my platter. I have an unanswered situation on my platter. I hate that I am fat. I hate that I am ugly. I am broke. I made me go broke. I am eating carbs. I should not be eating carbs. I am losing my mind. I lost my mind in 2019. My brain's begging me to stop. My brain's the reason why I am here. I love cats. I love cats so much that it hurts my chest to admit that it's possible to love someone so much without asking for anything in return. I want to burn my ex alive. I want to burn the last ten men who hurt me alive. I have embraced the cards dealt to me. I have embraced the idiocy that came along with the cards. I am a sucker for mild relatability. I am a sucker for leading myself into terribly toxic situations. I have broken patterns. I have broken sacred bonds and ties that now haunt me. I no longer conform. I no longer serve any purpose. I was single at the beginning of 2022. I will be single at the end of 2022. I am old and tired. I am old and tired and depressed out of my fucking mind. I have lost everything worth living for. I have lost everything but I have found solace in the few good people I encountered this year. I know that editors can be kind and designers can be dumb. I know that bosses can be kind and managers can be dumb. The man I once exchanged jokes with doesn't know I've befriended people who we laughed at together. The man I once exchanged jokes with doesn't know that I've accepted the lexicon and use it on others that the girl he cheated on me with used on him. I am re-living parts of 2012 and I found myself a cozy spot to park in the shade. I am looking at the remains of 2012 and I know where this will go and how this will end, all too well. I am exhausted, tired, and fatigued living this life. I am exhausted, tired, fatigued knowing that this doesn't life doesn't leave the same way as a man carrying a ticking time bomb from Hinge/Bumble who drops you the second he's done with you. I want to be beautiful. I want to rest in peace. In 2021, when he made a move on me, I should have dumped my now ex and gone toward him. In 2022, he's looking out for me while living a stable life with a woman he deserves (I really hope they are endgame). Everyone roughly my age, who I looked up to, is now living a bitter life alone and divorced. Everyone roughly my age, who I looked up to has let me down more harsher than my family. I still cry over men. I still wake up with lucid dreams of men I have loved and lost and those I just lost. There are bad omens and you should trust your gut. There are bad omens and no amount of good wishes can outdo them. Eating breakfast in bed is a cry for help. Eating breakfast is a sign of weakness. Donuts are amazing. Paneer pizza with makhni sauce and hari chutney is amazing. 

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