Gratitude and Despair

Thursday, November 12, 2020

There's a lot to be grateful for. It's never too late to express your gratitude, even in the worst of times. 

I saw a call to action post on social media, by a former classmate, I'm assuming for a loved one in her family. Her friends/our other classmates were sharing it all around—requesting anyone who has any information about an available bed for COVID. Breaks my heart every time I see someone struggle to get medical attention, especially as someone who's spent half her life in and out of the hospital. There's nothing more frustrating than seeing the lack of resources for people, everything else including your personal politics and bitterness, etc aside, nobody should have to deal with seeing someone suffer. I have seen people plead, beg and cry for a hospital bed, for ICU and ventilatory support these last few days and while my grandfather may never come out of there alive, I hope people realize what we are signing up as individuals to live in a city where the diseased have no hope to seek treatment, regardless of a pandemic or not. 

Around the same, I saw a middle-aged gentleman climb a tree, in front of us. What started as a giggle, "oh look he's chasing a squirrel", soon turned into watching him scramble to pluck branches off the Neem tree. People use it for medicinal properties and as someone who's had a friend drop a giant branch of Neem tree leaves when I had chicken-pox, I understand more than ever. Someone once did that for me and I'm eternally grateful for that gesture. But more than anything, I don't want to imagine what his circumstances must have been to have walked all the way to a hospital parking compound and do this. In fact, I felt pathetic for texting a friend at the moment, while live-updating her my state of being.

I'm grateful to every single motherfucker who has abandoned my family and us in these trying times of dealing with immense pain and shock. You realize the magnitude of damage as you grow older, no matter, how many times you've seen people repeat their patterns. There's a very good reason my family raised us to be independent, even in times of grief and despair, for they have dealt with it themselves on numerous occasions. The variables may change but in the end, the conclusive result remains the same, people are massive arseholes, cunts of the highest order.  They are invested for as long as there is a spectacle to watch and treats to enjoy. Everyone wants a free meal, a glass of whiskey, or whatever else. Nobody wants you to hold you when you are bawling alone or watching a person die infront of your eyes. I've been there and much as I want these fuckers to perish in hell, I don't want to wish these trying times on anyone, not even those who have done us and my family wrong. We are living through hell and this, I hope, nobody ever gets to see this in their lives. 

Nobody can save your life and nobody can rescue you from living through the grief, but what people can do is have your back. There are a few people I am grateful to, especially this time when everything is difficult anyway. They have stood with us like rock and been family to my parents, more than the actual fuckers we are related to by blood. I hope the latter rot in hell, regardless of what becomes of my grandfather. 

My grandfather was orphaned at age 5 and he would tell us all daily, how nobody in the family has achieved the success he did, despite not being given 2 rupees to buy books. I wish he could have given every one of these motherfuckers a piece of his mind if he were conscious to see the shit we are dealing with. I truly wish he could see the vultures we have been living among, or hope he gains health for him and I to bond over this conversation. 

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