Sweating Bullets

Friday, July 31, 2020

A month of writing daily, heh? Should be proud of me. 
False. 

I want to talk about growth here, but you see, growth is not linear. 

For example, I have come a long way from sleeping in the night to sleeping late at night to sleeping in the morning, and now we are at a total inability to sleep. 

I think for the first time ever, I felt like I was out of control; like my body didn't want to sleep despite the attempt at going to bed early and doing everything possible in my capacity to drive it to exhaustion. 

I settled in at 1 am and in between texting S and watching some fuckall show, I told him I'm trying to sleep early. 

"Good", he said. I'll talk about S in detail, he deserves it. He's earned a spot.

At 5:30 am, I had actively gotten up, paced twice, and wondered if I am incurable. Is anxiety that bad that despite my best effort I can't quite put my body to rest. My mind wanders around while my body lays immobile in the same corner. 

Truth be told, my body was feeling it all day. I felt like death and I felt every bone in my body, begging my mind to do whatever it takes to relax. 

"BUT I AM RELAXED, MOTHERFUCKER. I AM WATCHING TV, I AM NOT PLAYING MORTAL KOMBAT, I AM FOLLOWING A SPORT. I AM NOT TALKING TO PEOPLE. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?"

During my evening shower, I thought. Unemployment can't leave you to wilt with a mental illness. That's just pathetic. I've been through a lot more, strenuous crap. This can't affect me. 

I think the other thing is, talking to people. It could be anyone. Even talking on the phone is exhausting. I missed two calls and didn't feel an iota of regret. It's fine. I have nothing to say. People will understand. 

Despite that, I fixed another for this weekend and pushed yet another. Not out of anything but just, what do I talk about? Crippling anxiety? Or worse, being boring? 

Being boring is far worse than any other thing in the world cause once you've been declared a bore, there's no hope for you. Employment/unemployment doesn't cut it.

Feverish, without any ailment. Silent. Withdrawn. Gloomy. 

But not boring. Atleast my last memory in the mind of everyone I know is not boring. 

I can deal with everything else. One day at a time. 



(Title reference; track of the day.)

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