Chasing Cars

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

I have my first therapy session booked for tomorrow and here's some pre-therapy thoughts:
It's easier to find someone to date in the city than to find a therapist (within or outside the city). Take my word on this. I've been on dating apps for 6 years (give or take) and at all times, I know, I'm an hour away from scheduling a date for the same day. 

However, a week of breakdowns and about 3 months of research later, all I got with therapists were either money-making machines, those who drove me to further anxiety, those who were honest about not being able to take me on due to their schedule or those who were not willing to bring their price per session down. All of that is understandable. Reasonably so. 

It's even harder to make a call or drop a text looking for therapist, than it is to kiss someone for the first time or to talk to your crush. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. 

Turns out, it took a near stranger some reading of me to call me out on my self-sabotaging patterns without as much as attacking me about it. 

Here's the thing about people seeking therapy- they're vulnerable, brittle, emotionally fragile and usually on the edge. They can't normally convey the extent to all that and get triggered very easily. 

You can leave them on read or seen or even unseen and they'll be okay living in the oblivion, grateful even for the distance. But talk to them, and they'll tell you how you've destroyed their life. 

Chances are, that you have. 

The few people I spoke to last few days, in the midst of repeated breakdowns, were the ones who have been absolutely kind to me, and reached out for no ulterior motive. I didn't quite cut my friends out here but I didn't have the energy to pick up the phone or to tell them what has been up. Even thinking about the situation swells tears in my eyes. I've cried more this week than I have ever since I was born. 

It's been a hard walk here and after all that, I have found someone. I don't know if it'll work or not, but the only thing that resonated with me here was what my therapist said, 

"It may not help you at all, but even talking it out to someone to vent, will be useful."

Ofcourse, we'll need to name my therapist here because I'm hoping that'll be a recurring figure I'll talk about. 

Wish me luck. 

(Title reference; track of the day)

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