Snobster is a teen!

Friday, May 22, 2020

Much like any teenager, Snobster is a peculiar prick. She hates the exclamation in titles and yet goes ahead and does that to herself. She also hates talking/writing in the third person but here we are.

13 long years of somewhat journalling life and letting everyone around me jump at it.

22 May 2007, a day I celebrate annually, doing the things I love. I write, I get some cake and then maybe have a good dinner.

I don't think I'm going to follow the entire ritual, largely cause the circumstances around me won't allow the fanfare, but also the Delhi Police isn't exactly rushing to supply a whole cream cheese frosted cake, complete with "Welcome to the teens!" as icing on the top. I may have clocked in thirteen years of writing and apparently being dramatic and outlandish, but hey, I have to be authentic to my preferences. Even if it means I'm annoying people and waking them up from their slumber to engage with me.

The merriment is a bit on the down-low also cause I may have taken the vows I made to myself a tad bit seriously. When I said,

Here's to the last year of us being a baby. And to the last of me being cushy.
I can't wait to fuck things up, royally. 

I didn't quite realize what I was signing up for. Sure, it was dramatic and yes, I have been truly out there with my promise but it's been a hard year. I lost a publication deal, a chance to be in a book with whole author credit. I lost a job. I found myself grieving for people who hurt me and continued doing that, I found myself exposed to everything I held true to my self falling apart. If I think about this time last year, I had an average job and was living a seemingly average life. Today, I have less than half of that, after a rollercoaster ride year with highs being higher than I'd ever been and lows showing me the cracks within me. I had a nervous breakdown a week after my last blog anniversary, I've been through a course of anti-depressants. I have cried more than I ever did in my life and then found solace in people who I never thought would make it. 

I definitely did stop overthinking. It took 13 years to do that and kill that part of me so celebrations are in order. Nobody tells an overthinker that a downside of not overthinking is not assessing what you're in for next, which is what happened here. I waited calmly and took each day by the hour to see things unfold that I didn't imagine would.

Would I go back and change it? Not circumstantially but I would prefer keeping a lot of things and people out of my life, that I did sign up for in the last year. I would want to go back and call each of those out, to myself, out loud, as I weighed the pros and cons before walking into any of those with people or alone. 

That includes Phuket. What a waste of a holiday destination. Yes, it's pretty and yes, the beach is amazing but give me a dirty Pattaya beach and the nightlife and I'll take that over the sanitized beach with Indians catcalling any set of legs that walked past them. 

Someone who I had completely written off in my life entered again and much as I find myself being hard on me and them together, I found myself relaying how grateful I am to them for being there. People see the bad in the others but they don't seem to think about how the bad trains you for the future, to tackle hurdles and get past them. That one or hundred instances with that individual taught me more life than 14 years of school did, two of which are journalled here. 

I took a break from this page last year, despite saying I won't. I was told the writing changed. It was relatable and nice-r and definitely more resonating. However, it wasn't authentic. It wasn't "me", the galling, loud, self-proclaimed bad-bitch or whatever else. A friend who has been reading this page in lieu of catching up with me for years called me across timezones and we spoke like old friends. While he knew every little thing that the page said, he confessed as much as that he missed me and missed reading about me, from me. That's how much of a difference there has been between 12 and 13. It's the same kind of difference between 7 pm and 8 pm. While 7 is still an indicator of fading daylight and activity, there's a sense of darkness and lethargy that comes with 8 pm. You know you're onwards the end. 

Does it mean my time here is dated? 

I'll leave that for speculation. As for now, I'll grab my first meal of the day at 4:20 pm. My 2007 self would be horrified at that but then again, my 2007 self was far cooler than most people I know today and even me. 

I miss being me and writing here and I wish I could bring that person and her confidence back.

Here's hoping with my anniversary wish this year. May I be truly joyous with everything I do and put my heart into. It's high time, I deserve happiness. I do. 

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