Abhagan Inc.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

How to figure out if you're cursed:

(Because writing listicles' a fucking profession now, and I did this as a part of my first full blown job, way back when I was 18- so fuck yes, make way for the trained hustler).

  • Take a cue from an evil mastermind- 'Hey, do you want to surprise *insert name* for her birthday?'
  • Trust every bitch. 
  • Wait to test your luck, to get hold of the contact numbers/attention of those set of friends, your friend has, who are not friends with you (aka, people she went to college with, ex-boyfriends and girlfriends of those who she attended college with, people who you went to college with, people who you meet at birthday parties only. In short, anyone who's in Delhi, who sounds like half decent human being).
  • Trust the maid to show up and cook the birthday dinner.
  • Trust your said birthday friend to have her house clean.
  • Trust her cousin with music system.
  • Trust your friends to show up.
  • Trust the birthday girl's friends to show up.
  • Wait for your auto to break down, on your way back from college.
  • Wait for your auto driver patiently, while he wanders off before his vehicle broke down, for no rhyme or reason.
  • Wait to find another auto.
  • Wait to get back in his auto only for him to throw you off a kilometer later, "Medem, bohot jaam hai."
  • Wait to find another auto.
  • Keep waiting.
  • Board a Maruti Omni Van when you're wearing a thigh high slit skirt (because there's no other cab available).
  • Catch an auto, then get thrusted with two other people going your way because you're at the mercy of the auto driver.
  • Realize there's no dinner at the birthday because there's no maid and no one's taken charge.
  • Get stuck in a traffic jam for over two hours, due to severe negligence on the part of population control by general public and your auto drivers' attitude.
  • Realize the co-hostess is not at home and you're 15 kilometers away from the venue, while the guests have started pouring.
  • Send your nubile sibling and her erstwhile potential love interest to pick up the dinner for the party. (Bonus: get yelled by your mother, later.)
  • Order a cab. Wait for it to arrive.
  • Cancel the cab, auto driver shows up.
  • Drunk auto driver gets in a brawl. Send him back. Try to order a cab, face rejection.
  • Order another cab, the waiting time is 40 minutes.
  • Wait. While the guests are pouring in at the venue, no trace of food or the birthday girl.
  • Realize that the birthday girl is missing.
  • Realize that birthday girl's phone is turned off and she's established no contact whatsoever with anyone for the last five hours.
  • PANIC.
  • Make awkward small talk, with birthday girl's friend, their ex-boyfriend, your party friend. Realize there's nothing to talk. 
  • Realize there's no WiFi. Horror.
  • Realize nobody you know has arrived.
  • Realize there is no clean cutlery to serve the food in. Because, no maid. 
  • Realize you actually have OCD.
  • Realize people have started canning because there's no trace of birthday girl.
  • Almost reveal the birthday surprise to the birthday girl to bring her back home.
  • Wait to see the co-hostess arrive 30 minutes before the party ends. 
  • Realize your friend's already drunk out of her mind and sleep deprived.
  • Realize all of your friend's have labelled the party as fail.
  • Realize your second level friend is judging you for not bringing music to the party.
Give up on life (and maybe listicles too). 

Birthday girl hit your hallelujah!

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  1. @May- I *always* love the birthday girl.
    and special mention to baby face assassin. <3


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