Sunday, February 08, 2015

I can barely read right now so excuse me, for typos and other turn-offs, if you stumble upon any, ie. This requires reading glasses and there goes, another virginity. Too few left to be taken, by your 20s, I suppose.

I feel the need to discuss this serious problem, which I've fallen trap to. For the last six months or perhaps less, I'm habitually falling in love with social media personas of idiots I know, and don't know. You can call them decadent social media celebrities, or just hos, trying to grab attention by standing off stage, gestural in calling me out with their odd hipster, non-hipster vibe, picking out an odd link, piece of heart that I may have tied to something special without thinking much about, and is now being picked up by god knows what algorithm by these idiots. In the last quarter alone, I can list atleast 10 such personas which have gotten me off the ground and now, real life seems far more miserable than ever.

At some moment, when sanity prevails over the irrational visuals and odd timing of their intelligence, you do end up spotting a thing or two that may bug you (the perils of having a publishing background). Add to that, a heavy dose of being receptive and argumentative, skills I'm in transit of development and have acquired more than basics of. Combine these two, you have me falling in and out of love of these social personas in 14 minutes flat. Those 14 minutes constitute of 5 phases. I shall describe them in bullet form for a superior visual aesthetic, just to solidify my weakest form of expression, writing.

1) Phase I - You stumble upon the said 'being' by the virtue of trying to poke fun at the 'other' being who's your mutual connection. More often than not, you find them lurking on your not-so-stupid friend's wall/photographs/comments. Their appearance is striking. They've obviously said something which is not basic or that which requires spell-check. They catch your attention. You leave that window open, without opening their profile and move on to the next tab to fix some crap on 8Tracks or YouTube.

2) Phase II - This stage is where you channelize the inner Kiran Bedi. The music is at the perfect hook, your chat windows are all closed and old tabs are under your scrutiny to be closed, while you're wrapping your work. You come across their smartass comment, usually that compels you to 'google' what they're talking about (and, this is where dopamine kicks in- someone knows something that I don't). That's your first cue. You look it up and realize, holy-shit, this person is smart. By this time, you're interested in knowing this person. You're on a lookout for them to disappoint you.

3) Phase III - You move on from aw to exploration. You try to be on a lookout for periodization- when did this person come into the existence of 'cool' and how on Earth did you miss hearing about it? Were you and the mutual connection not tight back then, were you into someone else- there are several answers but essentially, this goes to some amount of archaeology of your past and their past. This is also the stage where you advance from Regina George's bitch 'Why-don't-I-know-you' face to 'We-wanna-invite-you-to-eat-lunch-with-us-everyday-for-the-rest-of-the-week'. Here's it in moving images:

4) Phase IV - This is the scariest phase cause you're at an all time high after mentally picturing that 'being' and yourself as "ever thine, ever mine, ever ours" in a shoe closet. Ofcourse, it doesn't help when you sift through their social media to find out they love shoes more than you do and like to wear red socks. This takes possessiveness to new heights as you begin to wonder if they're gay or just far too much like you (straight-white-shallow woman). In this process, you also come across they're ex(s), their current, their husbands, boyfriends, wives- anyone on the face of the Earth, who's out there to contest you in all the capacity. You normally come across at least two nemesis, those who're everywhere on social media. This stage ends on a ridiculous fall, a hook that has halfway convinced you that you're crazy enough to think about it or that you're saddened by the possibilities of another man, whose social media presence is deceptive enough for you to fall for their charm.

5) Phase V - Ouch. Is it The Immortals of Meluha being 'liked' by them or their choice of hairstyle and facial hair in 2010? Did they like one of their old shots from 2009, where they're 3 years old? Is he thick enough to post a meme from 2011 in 2013? It could be anything, mostly a bugging pet peeve of yours that you can't stand to see in a man/woman/droid and least of all in this 'dream' of yours.

You crush that crap and close the tab. Until the next time. 

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