Fat Luck

Friday, February 21, 2014

You know what? 2014 is a bad fucking year.

I know it's too damn early to make statements like this and negative approach will take me nowhere. Well, newsflash. Neither will this year. The year that begins with adding two kilos on the body, getting the damn visa declined and getting one solitary documentary project canned is a sign enough that I should stop making any kind of effort towards building this to be 'my' year and perhaps, zone out.

I've been often accused of cribbing far too much but the fact of the matter is, if one were to analyze the situations I've been out under in the last two yeas and see what's come out of me- this blog, people etc, it will be nothing in comparison to what I am going through. Each day is a sharp mental agony, much like being forced to sit in a cinema hall, quietly watching American Hustle (what a fucking waste of my time and money, that film) while people around you are nibbling on overpriced nachos and talking their hearts out. All you want to do is, stab everyone and wait for the movie to get over in order for you to get home/elsewhere (perhaps, to catch up on the lost sleep). You'd make a valid concern of why won't I leave the movie mid-way and get the out of there just to put myself out of such misery.

I wish I was that person who'd just do that. I wish I could walk away and walk out of things, people, situations and circumstances. Maybe it's my conditioning or just the person I am, I don't give up on things to easily. Surely, I am hopeless all through out but that doesn't stop me from staying around, sticking till the bond lasts and making all possible effort to reconcile something which never deserved my attention to begin with.

So, when the last nail in the coffin hit me two days ago, I went berserk. In my mind, ofcourse. You see, this facade I've learnt to incorporate is an art I'd like to put on my damn resume. You're sitting, with people, alone and been braced by that one thing you most dearly, with all your heart hoped that wouldn't happen. Sadly, this year's about those elements triumphing and how. After putting myself all out in a project for over a month, I get to know that due to shortage of one solitary mark, my documentary proposal, idea and well that damn documentary has been canned. In short, my graduate thesis project is a 16mm short fiction film.

Dead silence.

During a meeting with our sound faculty professor today, I learnt how silence and the absence of music works better than the music or the words themselves. The argument to this could be several but frankly, none of it defines why silence wins. In my mind, there were volcanoes the size of elephant balls but the appearance was nearly deceptive. Not too upset but definitely not happy. I think resignation and silent protests in my mind- against expressing myself on blog, in my mind and to anyone will be the voice of this year/semester/month/life.

Looking forward to 2015. 

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