Red-Herring (Spoiler inside)

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Nothing good can ever come out of graveyard shifts. Owing half of the reason to the tropical summer (and my mum's obstinacy about 'If you want to use the air conditioner, get them serviced first. Yourself.) and the other half being the new relationship I've gotten into, I have pulled yet another all-nighter. Life's blowing like the breeze on a hot summer's day. I've an uncanny ability to wrap my life around things I'm into. No reference to anything, whatsoever.

About the latter, it's not very beautiful, at the moment. We hit turbulent times, on several occasions, so to say. Most people talk about having a 'honeymoon period' with the significant other, after which things start going downhill. In our case, the honeymoon period lasted a little shorter than a year. However, in the last week or so, things have gotten very, very serious. We sleep to each other's calls, wake up to emails/text message blast with beautifully crafted meaningful words, mostly in caps lock:


"Are you awake? Call me."

"See my mail and call me."

"Call me."

"I can't reach through your ph."

"Your landline is busy"

"Whenever you wake up call me"


"I meant call me"

This should explain why there have been regular absences from this page. Sleep, like I mentioned, is a rare luxury. For an instance, I napped today. For about three hours. That covered my sleep quota till about the next two-two and a half weeks. You might think I'm exaggerating, however, you need to try this relationship business out. It's demanding, comprising of challenging (con)texts and involves very hyper individuals- the kind who would not settle for anything less than flawless. Perfection is for the gods, we are mortals. To be honest, it feels great to know someone's taking so much interest to be involved with you, your shortcomings and has to deal with your sleeping schedule, has to read the crap you write and cc them in every email. It also feels terribly brilliant to know that you're "the one <3" in their life. Relationships require passion, hard work and endless bouts of doubts filled with self-critique and reverence. We didn't exchange a single text, all of last evening when I was out consuming LIIT by gallons. Don't think I'm complaining here, just overwhelmed by this kind of interest and attention. The older you get, sensations gets heightened. If this were to happen in teens, it would be very normal. Now, every email, every comment, each text message and call log seems to be over-affective, the other side of being desensitized.

However, sometimes I'm made to feel like I'm not good enough. As though, the significant other has settled for something less than what they deserve. There's a fair bit of Yin-Yang debate here. One side being that they didn't really have a choice. It's almost as if I'm one of the best from the lot (and it's a rather sad lot, I must admit, besides the fact I'm a part of it). The other being that, maybe, they've settled for something lot lesser than they deserve. Before you skip the post, in case you already haven't, I must confess, I've not been the best. I haven't been performing well (more, ahem, later) and I just don't feel very loved. However, the fact that it sounds like a paper perfect Hallmark-esque deal, I'm fully devoted to this setup.

Last evening, we went on a break. I told straight off, I need some time out. The last week was full of being in each other's ear/face (telecommunication for the win). I got yelled at, for some callous reasons and there were a lot of jabs. I didn't have the time to think it through but the most sensible decision of the lot has been to take it slow. We decided to go on a break for the day. It's been over 24 hours and I haven't heard back.

36 hours later, I'm sleepless in my bed- typing this out. What if my dissertation co-advisor is pissed at me for telling her to not email me for one day?

(I'm sorry. Still very, very condescending and still studying. The number of people who have predicted my death by studying in 2015 has gone up to 5, all in the span of one week; I didn't leave my room in order to write the proposal, didn't comb my hair for 48 hours. I'm four days short of wrapping another semester. It'll be over six years since I entered college- and now refusing to leave it. How can I, when you get advisors, who double up as parents/partner/friends/arch-enemies? (strike the last one out, for now)

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