Chapter two: The end

Monday, July 07, 2014

As much as I cringe uploading the image, the joke played by life allows me to cringe a little more. I've succumbed to the joys of a corporate job. The office stationery, free coffees, office cakes, meeting room and lunch breaks. Those do not constitute the work but 'breathers'. You'd say foreplay to the climax, I'd say anaesthesia to the rest of the day. Slow, painful intake of anaesthesia, per minute, every quarterly interval we manage to squeeze out in a day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful, or cribbing or in any which way demeaning what I am doing. I mean, yes, I'd gladly take double logic over work any day but then air conditioned institutes are always a sweet reason to substitute extra four hours of sleep. One also thinks about buying half of Sephora, which the pocket money doesn't allow (don't know about yours, mine did but then I'd not be able to save any to buy larger spoils of life). If you're disgusted reading about the lavish life I lead till now, stop. Shut the window and proceed. It's going to get painful for you.

For all these years (and for our convenience, let's take 'all these' as the years I've been actively blogging- starting 2007), there was always, a definite sense of beginning and ending. School was suppose to run it's due course, defined by agencies that conducted examinations etc. Universities, too, function in a similar manner. Undergraduate course in three years and post graduate in two. Once you're through, you're out. Nobody can hold you a day longer and neither can you find any space for yourself. As soon as you're out of this 'rut' or the phase, that which has a predefined date of expiration, you're out. There comes the sentences like 'The world is your oyster. Come and find yourself' (usually ending with tourism promotion of some godforsaken state) usually toppled with key words like 'freedom', 'life', 'grown up', 'adult' (SEOs at workplace have taught me a thing or two). Then, where does long term plan such as a bloody job fall? It has no definite beginning and ending is staged to ten years post menopause. Where does it stop? Does it hold you back with a bond that specifies a certain date till which you're associated with a certain organization for a certain period of time? Does it work arbitrarily? You get to decide when to quit and when to work (however, you either have to be CEO's kid or extremely whimsical or talented or all three to be able to take that decision). To me, this has been the biggest shock of stepping into this shoe. Imagine, walking endlessly, in a desert which has no sign or scope of civilization. Your only hope is that you see oasis from time to time and you continue walking. If this seems to vague, imagine yourself lost in a city without GPS, on the road. Trying to navigate the way to your hostel (because if you're poor enough to not have a cell phone with GPS then you certainly can't afford taxis or hotels in the fucking city) and walking miles before you fall asleep on the pavement. My life is a bit like that right now. The only plus is that I get to decorate my linkedin with a stunning name and make my CV look attractive. Who wants a Brazilian when you can have a shiny, new listing on your resume? 

Marriage, works in a similar way. Two people jump into it without knowing the expiration date of the same. It could be when one of them dies, it could be few hours. It all depends on the participants and the situations and how desperately one wants to compromise or wants the companionship. Off late, a lot of people I know have taken the plunge into the pool of uncertainty. This certainly seems inappropriate when you're trying to figure how to work a coffee vending machine at work and find out yet another person has taken second serious jump of getting hitched. I don't get it. How do you do it? I'm more than at awe of people who take part in this act willingly and enthusiastically enjoy every step of it. Same applies to commitment and relationships. How do you not know you'd not get sick of each other or your relationship will run it's colour off in a few months or years to come? Besides, how does one jump into something without knowing it for certainty what will follow? I'm not questioning the moral answer of right and wrong here. There can't be a right or wrong. It can't be. What is right for you (unless you take the plunge, how will you know it?) may not be right for (commitment phobic- to people, jobs, proposals). I've been so disturbed about this idea of uncertainty that I've not worked on my Mphil proposal one bit, knowing it can't keep me satisfied because the idea of not knowing how to continue will render me a wreck. 

Babies fall under the same gambit. How do you factor the decision that you will not only bring a new life to this universe but also won't mind living, bearing with it till one of you expires? It all boils down to the expiration date of human beings, post the educational institutions through you out (only in case of those who pursue it). For most others, this doesn't seem as daunting a problem, perhaps because they work on the principle of spontaneity. They live every moment as it comes. Some even, take extremely wise decision by not jumping into this at all and pursuing their own pipes to play as opposed to following the Pied Piper (puns intended). 

I saw my classmate handling the hoopla of wedding, playing the role of bride to be, at her Bachelorette. Both Sinner and I were wrecks, just by looking at her. The sheer élan that she carried herself in was so loud and clear that it made the most perfect statement to this question and answered all my queries, 'Forever after'. 

If you can, then the world is your oyster. Go have a baby, live with the man/woman of your dreams/preference/choice. Take that job. See your life turn mediocre as I'm seeing mine after having left filmmaking for good. 

Someday, I will return. Till then I will sleep because I've to be up by 6 am for work. 

Fuck my life. How do people do this? 

Also, a shoutout to our parents. Specially mine, for successfully having babies, not running away, keeping up with our nonsense, going to work and not cribbing about any of this. You guys are phenomenal. 

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