Have you met Sahaj?

Saturday, November 18, 2017

My acquaintance Sahaj has a love-hate relationship with this blog. While he doesn't want to be featured here, he demands compliments to be given to him. Something, I can't quite comprehend because I don't do nothing irl.

I mean, I have no irl game.

Most writers don't. If you don't qualify as a writer, chances are you still have no irl game. If something is rarer in appearance than common sense, it's irl game and that is where my acquaintance Sahaj scores.

Sahaj Umang Singh Bhatia, aka The Sardashian. He put the real in irl.

Sahaj also puts dash in the Sardashian.

The next in line would be that he puts the Sardar in Sardashian but I feel like this joke is wearing out now.

Sahaj's obsession with this page started when he was featured in an entry in passing. Like a lot of sly things I pull in a day (such as checking for new jobs at the current job, checking on McDreamy without McDreamy knowing who McDreamy is, looking up the hot author on office WiFi) I totally played this one cool. I have a game face, the one that Meghna Talwar now completely sees through and calls it out even when I mean something. I had hoped that this would bypass his eyes and we would all live happily ever after. I pulled the game face on and wrote a torrid one about how I have no life at parties (or outside of it).

The Sardashian obviously had no chill. He's such a Momager in his light that he liked a comment left by a friend on my personal Facebook account wherein I had posted the entry from my blog featuring him. I had gone to the point of using a pseudonym but the entry featuring him was specific, in so far as I have limited friends who have gone to jail and have been a national news piece for reasons other than being anti-national and our friend acquaintance Sahaj was that one.

So yes, Sahaj went to jail. Big deal. I mean,  I go to jail three times minimum when I'm playing Monopoly. However, am I made for a real jail? No. 

I can do a lot of things, including take shit for money and sell my soul to corporate hos but I can't do jail. More like, can't survive jail.

Between jail and cancer upon myself, I'm down for 18 chemo cycles. That's right. 

That brings us to compliment number one, Sahaj has integrity and he definitely puts the grit in that integrity. I don't know anyone who'd be doing jail with as much élan as he did. It takes a lot to be just as cool as you are in person to be the same post jail. 

After having been featured on the blog and literally helping me out by giving me a plan B and plan C for the Annual Blog Party, he threw shade at me for not sending the invite. 

Knowing how awkward my motley group of friends are, it was safe to say I need party oxygen which was ensured in the form of attendance from Sahaj Umang Singh Bhatia and Mia Khalifa (the one who used to be my bae until she met a bae of her own and now all we have is brief, awkward and completely missable history- much like the Sardashian and I). 

I don't recall the events of how this was lead on, but at some point in the night when we were playing Taboo, AJ had the cards and she asked our team (which did not include Sahaj):

"Where did Sahaj go?"

I promptly answered, "JAIL". 


At the end of that round, AJ came back and whispered, "Dude do you think he heard that?"

"I don't think he has any fucks to give even if he did. But I don't think he did. He's having a field day with his friends who he got along so they could pee."

A couple of hours, torrential rainfall and many punch cups later, a bunch of us were huddled in my living room. Intoxicated out of my mind, and parched I looked at Mia K when she asked if she could leave. 

"Don't go. You're leaving me alone with people who are not my baes and AJ."

"Dude, what the fuck are they doing?"

By "they", Mia K meant Sahaj and Anid and "they" were going through Vogue (two month old edition) and my first book, which my mother has proudly placed under the coffee table. 

By then, AJ had brought the munchies out and she sensed the awkwardness. Trying to make polite conversation, she and Sahaj indulged in some banter which lead to something on the lines of this-

"...so I landed up in jail."

"Oh. Really? Hm, must be something!"

"Dude, please. I heard you give that clue out, "Where did Sahaj go?""

Mia K, AJ and I- *poker face*

Which brings me to compliment two, our acquaintance Sahaj is gregarious, affable even to be around. Sahaj puts the fable in affable, with his story telling skills and wit on point. A likeable quality which makes him easy on the ears and the eyes and most people seem to take a shine to him. 

Trust me, I know what it's like when you're all those things in your head but in person you're an awkward potato, trying to be all out. It's as bad as a teenaged girl trying too hard to hide her acne. The more you try, the worse your behaviour gets. 

Him? He has all the chill. 

If those two compliments don't convince you to meet him, then be rest assured, he can be more than welcoming with his hospitality. The first time I met him he told me he could offer me his toothbrush if I ever decided to stay the night over, in continuation to a story I had recited of how I usually wriggle out from spending the nights out. As someone who is a stickler for oral hygiene, that's critical to me, and from the point of view of an introvert, that excuse is always handy. 

He saw right through me and decided to take me for a ride. It's been a while since he offered me a fresh toothbrush but I know all too well. If he ever forgets to offer a toothbrush in times of trouble, I will ring his lawyer straight up and get him on a retainer to represent me. 

How dare you not offer me bristles while I take those bricks in the form of accusations of never saying anything nice to you, to your face and on this page. 

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