Will you stay the same?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Have you ever felt the connection with grief and cosmic powers knitting the pattern for you to follow? It has certainly followed the straight path for me. Last time I felt was moments ago and it is essential for me to write down because this will help me.

My folks are out of town and get back tomorrow night. I was skyping with Sinner when I could hear a feeble voice calling my name. My Sister was asleep next to me and my Grandfather has a deep baritone so I presumed it'd be hallucination (following the alcohol poisoning I had day before). Third time I got up to check it was my grandfather calling. He was in his bed, shivering. He asked me to locate another blanket (he had one blanket and two sheets over him with hot water bottle at that time). He complained of cold and slight fever before dinner so I gave him a paracetamol and he was resting in his room with hot water bottle. When I went to his room, I saw him helpless as he was shivering.

Knowing him well, I have never seen him like this. By like this I refer to all the atrocities he's seen. He's went through each of them with fighting spirit and he's a strong willed man. I checked his forehead and it was alarmingly hot. He had over 1o1'fever and I called up mum. She prescribed me the medicine. By the time he had it, he was wrapped in 5 layers. Half an hour later, his temperature was down by one degree. Not significant but improving.

Going through all of this I had memories flashing infront of me like a slideshow. The time I got to know my first ever best friend was diagnosed with Kidney Failure, the news when she passed away ( a week after my tenth birthday where I saw her for the last time, face and body swollen yet smiling and sitting on the edge of the sofa amongst my other friends), my grandmother's condition when her Myloma was detected, her pre-coma days, my mother's operation, Sumo's lifeless body wrapped with her leash, Tj's death..all of it came by in few seconds. I felt a sensation, a cold feeling just pierced me midway and I broke out crying.

The last time I sensed this feeling was when I was outside the OT when my Mother was undergoing her operation for Uterus this summer break. My entire extended family and everyone I could dream of, was there. I don't think I have felt like that ever since then. Those 3 and a half hours of life were the longest in my life. It was a regular surgery yet until I saw her face I was ready to go. She was under anaesthesia so she didn't recognize me instantly. Took her two days to come out of it completely. I can't fathom the thought of living even one of those days. Or when my Grandmother was breathing her last. It's etched in my mind like it was yesterday. Everything, everyone and all I could do was cry. No amount of tears could suffice the loss I incurred on those specific days.

He is sleeping in his room at the moment. His body is extremely hot and he believes it's Dengue. His real Sister (who's 80+) is hospitalised currently. She underwent a major operation and he had gone to see her at the hospital today. "I think I've gotten this Dengue from the hospital", he said when I went to check him again. He's having trouble breathing. For a moment when he said the word "dengue" only one image came to my mind. The one which had Tj in mortuary and all of us paying our last tribute to her.

I don't want to associate these thoughts with him. At the moment when no one's here, this is a very disturbing state to be in. To go through all those moments that made you put at the edge of the world from the person you love immensely. My Grandfather has been closer to me than my own father. But I think it's true for all Grandparents and their Grandchildren and I'm no exception. The agnostic me is praying for his recovery and hoping we'd pull it off.

Leaving a link of this Episode of Glee from Season 2 where Kurt sings this track for his father who's hospitalised and can't hear him. It's just something that can probably explain I'm going through the same at this moment and hence I found it essential to blog when you can't possibly explain this to other person.

Please pray for him.

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  1. Have faith. He will recover. My prayers and wishes to him.


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